Freak outs

[rmaddy]

Within a few months of starting HRT (2 years ago), I felt more calm and self-assured.  This, more than anything else, drove my decision to stay on it.  I did find myself cheering for body changes which, for the most part, didn't really happen, but the the sense of calmness was the clincher.

I've lost my calm.  As I get closer to pursuing surgical options I feel incredibly on edge.  It's not that I don't think the procedures are right for me, at least not consciously.  Instead, I just get stuck in a rut of "I can't go forward..I can't go back."  I think that I'll never belong, that I will always be less than, that other women will always see me as an interloper.

I've been "out" for a long time...ten years essentially.  I freak out now more than I did then.  Although I feel that my transition makes sense, it doesn't leave me feeling better off. 

My wife and I have been making the rounds to the various plastic and reconstructive surgeons.  I feel good in the office, but eventually I'm just back to freaking out.  I have talked this out with my psychiatrist a few times.  Am I freaking because I am nervous about surgery, or am I freaking because I shouldn't be going through with it?  How does one know?  Have I made my trans identity a non-falsifiable hypothesis, where every trepidation about the process only means I need to push forward with it?

Anxious, and not liking it.

[Elis]

I have my top surgery coming up soon and I've had the same thoughts. But I know me able to cope with how my body is currently is not really a good quality of life and looking back I've never thought I liked how my chest looks. It also helps that even though I'm going private it's a 3 month wait for my surgery date; which although is frustrating and gives me more time to be anxious; it also gives me more time to mentally prepare myself. So you may want to not go for a surgery date you feel is too soon.

Also helps to just take things in stages. Concentrate on simply my pre operative appointments and getting through that rather than the surgery.

[rmaddy]

I have my top surgery coming up soon and I've had the same thoughts. But I know me able to cope with how my body is currently is not really a good quality of life and looking back I've never thought I liked how my chest looks. It also helps that even though I'm going private it's a 3 month wait for my surgery date; which although is frustrating and gives me more time to be anxious; it also gives me more time to mentally prepare myself. So you may want to not go for a surgery date you feel is too soon.

Also helps to just take things in stages. Concentrate on simply my pre operative appointments and getting through that rather than the surgery.

I agree on not rushing on a "too soon" date, but at some point my foot dragging (I could have been half way through my GCS wait by now) makes me wonder why, as in "do I really want this?"

One other thing I have noticed is that I am far more likely to feel this way when I've been working my new voice out in public for an extended period of time.  I think voice reinforces to me that I will never pass.  I know philosophically that trans people shouldn't be held (or hold themselves) up against the tyrannical standard of passing, but my height, my appearance, my unconfident voice all taunt me nevertheless.

[Elis]

I agree on not rushing on a "too soon" date, but at some point my foot dragging (I could have been half way through my GCS wait by now) makes me wonder why, as in "do I really want this?"

One other thing I have noticed is that I am far more likely to feel this way when I've been working my new voice out in public for an extended period of time.  I think voice reinforces to me that I will never pass.  I know philosophically that trans people shouldn't be held (or hold themselves) up against the tyrannical standard of passing, but my height, my appearance, my unconfident voice all taunt me nevertheless.

I think one of the questions a trans people needs to ask themselves is 'would you rather 'pass' or feel comfortable within yourself'?. I know that can come across as sort of simplictic and I know trans women have it a lot tougher; but that's what it mainly comes down to when deciding whether to have surgery. Also how your voice sounds can be very subjective; your voice most likely sounds a lot more female to other people than it does to yourself.

You might want to see a therapist also to see what is the root to your anxiety. Is it possible regret? The procedure going wrong? Not liking how it looks after its healed? Anxiety about having surgery itself?

[rmaddy]

You might want to see a therapist also to see what is the root to your anxiety. Is it possible regret? The procedure going wrong? Not liking how it looks after its healed? Anxiety about having surgery itself?

I have been very consistent with therapy.  Fear of regret and/or getting "all the way through the process" and still having the same questions/insecurities.

[Dena]

Take some time when you are by yourself and think about what you once felt like before you started treatment. Next think about how you feel now then ask yourself if you are more comfortable with yourself now than before. Next, ask yourself what you fear. I had a fear of doctors working on me but I knew I would never want to go back to the old me. You may answer the questions differently but there is something you fear and it may not be related to the decision you made.