Writing Letters to my Father and Step-father

[HannahHindle]

Hello everyone,

So the first person I ever came out to was my Scottish pen pal in late March after ten long years of denial and suppression. I then came out to my sister and Canadian pen pal the following month. Then in May I went to see my GP and got referred to the Leeds and York Gender Identity Clinic. All of these conversations were absolutely nerve-wracking and really hard for me to muster up the courage. However, they all pale in comparison to how nervous I am to come out to my father and step-father. So much so that I literally cannot imagine talking to them face to face...hence why I am deciding to write them both a letter and since I am on the NHS waiting list...I kinda have a time limit as I'll have to come out to everyone (work etc) and I really feel I should tell these two people before hand. They deserve to know what's up.

I think I am very worried because these are the first two people who I might get a negative response from. My sister, doctor and pen friends ,I was 100% sure, would all be very accepting and sound. And I was correct. In fact, it was my sister that finally encouraged me to see my GP as she could see what the subsequent depression was doing to me.

I don't really see much of my father and I live with my step-father (it's very complicated) but I am on friendly terms with them both. Both have a history of being rather close-minded on LGBT issues but when I compare the two I think my stepfather will be confused and insensitive at first but eventually come round (like he did with his gay biological son) and if he did have a problem I think he'd be very silent about it...however, my father...I am scared he would hate me. Like...legit be disgusted at who I am...whenever I expressed femininity as a child he would look at me in disgust and try to verbally kick it out of me. He wanted to fill me in like a colouring book but I wasn't for it. When I went into dramatics as a career choice he was immensely disappointed. Hw is a "men should be men" sort of person. He was the main reason I supressed my feminine side through my childhood and that resulted in my subsequent lack of confidence and social skills to some degree.

So, for these reasons, I am coming out by letter...I have written a letter to my father (not my stepfather yet) but everytime I think about emailing it or delivering it a choke up and freeze with nerves. I am not sure it's even that good. I am so scared of saying one thing wrong that antagonises him. I have tried to be as cautious as possible...

Has anyone here had a father similar to this they came out by letter to? Could you perhaps give me some writing tips. I could perhaps post the draft letter here for criticism...I just want to get this right.

Love,
Hannah x

[Julia1996]

Hi Hannah.  I can't really give you advice for writing your letter but I wanted to tell you not to give up on your father yet. He could surprise you. I was totally sure my dad would never accept me being trans but he has totally accepted it. In fact he's more involved with it than my mom. He found my gender counselor on the doctor prescribing my hrt. He also researches stuff with me which is good except that it's kind of awkward looking at pictures of SRS with him. Lol.  Fathers can surprise you and I hope yours does.

Hugs
Julia

[HannahHindle]

Hi Hannah.  I can't really give you advice for writing your letter but I wanted to tell you not to give up on your father yet. He could surprise you. I was totally sure my dad would never accept me being trans but he has totally accepted it. In fact he's more involved with it than my mom. He found my gender counselor on the doctor prescribing my hrt. He also researches stuff with me which is good except that it's kind of awkward looking at pictures of SRS with him. Lol.  Fathers can surprise you and I hope yours does.

Hugs
Julia

Hi Julia,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I really hope he does surprise me in this way. I do realise it'll be a possibility. I just have to get over that fear of telling him...I think I'll come out to my stepfather first. I think he'll handle it better.

I'm glad that you have a father as accepting as yours when you thought he'd be the opposite. It gives me hope. Thank you.

Hugs,
Hannah x

[Dena]

Our WIKI has sample letters and information you might find useful. The letters are located on the bottom of the page. I also made a stab at writing a comming out letter designed for difficult cases. Feel free to slice and dice what ever you need form any of the letters to produce what you need.

[Kelly1ca]

I'm not sure about fathers, mine passed away 6 years ago. But I thought my brother would disown me but when I told him at the end of the call he called me his sister. It blew me away. I think our families do have a way of surprising us. I have also read a lot of stories on this site that family have slowly come around. So as my grandfather used to say expect the worse, but hope for the worse and you will be ready to handle what comes around.

[Elis]

I wrote an email to my dad telling him how I felt in the past about my assigned gender, how I felt now about it and my future transitioning plans. I also included links as to the scientific prove of being trans and the NHS page on being transgender so he knew what it was.This way he knew I was serious about it and had thought it through.

I don't want to worry you but be prepared for your step dad to appear supportive in the beginning and then change. And if he still gets pronouns and your name wrong without making an attempt to correct himself; then tell him how it makes you feel either wise he may not understand the importance of getting those things right. And don't be surprised if he ends up not calling you anything;  I find that to better than being misgendered .

Good luck

[KathyLauren]

I was worried about coming out to my brother.  I worked on the letter I wrote him for about three months before I sent it.  I was careful to counter any misconceptions he might have had.  As it turned out, I needn't have worried: he was very sweet and supportive.  Sometimes family members surprise us for the better.

Here is the letter I wrote to him.  I deliberately avoided using the word 'transgender' until late in the letter.  It can be a trigger word for some.  I also made a point of emphasizing that this is a medical diagnosis and treatment.

Dear <brother> and <sister-in-law>,

I hope you are both well.

I have some news to share with you that you will likely find surprising. 

All my life, I have felt that I didn't fit in.  I first became aware of it as a teenager, but I dismissed it as just being normal teenage stuff.  Teenagers, after all, are expected to not fit in.  But it didn't go away as I got older.  Always, I felt different from everyone else, no matter how hard I tried to conform.

As I got older, I became aware that what was different was that, while other men seemed to already know how to be men, I had to observe consciously and try to copy them.  Though I learned to fake it well, I was never truly successful at copying them.  I never once wanted to be more masculine; I always wished I could be more feminine.  Of course, that wasn't allowed.  I tried hard to suppress and deny the feeling, but it wouldn't go away.  In hindsight, I now see clues going back much farther.

It turns out that this condition is known in the medical professions as gender dysphoria.  One of the characteristics is that it does not go away without treatment.  Either it continues to get worse all one's life, or one gets treatment for it.  The only treatment available is to live in the gender that one knows oneself to be.  The treatment is highly effective.

I started investigating gender dysphoria two years ago.  Since then, I have been seeing various psychologists and doctors, who have confirmed the diagnosis.  I started medically prescribed treatment several months ago.  The process is well-defined as an international treatment standard.  Although I still have a long way to go with my physical transition, I am now at the point in treatment where I will begin living as a woman.

So, allow me to introduce myself.  I am your sister Kathy.  The name is short for Kathleen Lauren.  The origin of the name will be obvious. <It is based on my male name.>  I prefer that you refer to me by the feminine pronouns: 'she' and 'her' from now on.

The medical part of my transition will continue for a couple of years.  I am receiving hormone treatment, which has already made a significant difference to my mental outlook.  It is also starting to make physical changes.  The hormone treatment is life-long.  Eventually, I expect to have surgery to make the transition complete. 

I am delighted and relieved that <my wife> is my biggest supporter in this.  She has shown love, commitment and compassion that border on sainthood.  We are staying together.

You may be wondering about the biology of this condition.  The genders of the brain and of the genitals are determined by hormone levels in the fetus at different times during the pregnancy.   Although they usually go the same direction, they can develop in different directions if the hormone levels change over time.  When that happens, the baby is born transgender.  Being transgender is not a choice: we are born this way.

While the news media make a big deal over transgender kids who know their true gender when they are toddlers, they are selling cuteness, not news.  Those kids, while genuine, are in the minority.  It is much more common to realize it later in life, after all other possibilities have been exhausted in a lifetime of denial.  At 62, I may be starting a bit later than average, but my story is in fact quite typical.

In the next day or two, I will change my Facebook profile and the names on my email accounts.  And you can imagine the amount of paperwork involved in changing all my government and financial ID!  That will take a little longer.

I have been heartened by the kindness, understanding, and support shown by the people I have told so far.  I hope that continues as I tell more people.  I have told <our other brother>.

Your loving sister,
Kathy

You are welcome to plagiarize any parts that are relevant.

[kat69]

Hannah,

     All I can say is that it's harder only on you to assume their responses before they give them.  Their reactions with be their reactions....from your point of view they are fixed.  So no matter how they react you need not wrack yourself beforehand. 

    To be honest, in my case, I was both positively surprised and negatively surprised.  Those I thought  would disown me understand my happiness is the most important part.   Those I thought would support me have proven they have limits to their love. 

   You're doing the right thing... putting pen to paper.  It sticks with facts, not emotions.  So try and remove the emotions from this event until it's over, like writing an exam or pulling off a bandaid.  It's not easy, but let the emotions and thoughts come after you have the facts of their reactions. 

[HannahHindle]

Thank you all for your words and experiences. The examples of letters some of you have given have been rather helpful and I'll probably go back and redraft mine a bit.

This was always gonna be hard, but thank you for your support and insights. They are most appreciated.

Love,
Hannah