I want to go public but...

[missmacyrose]

I am engaged. Her and I have been together for 3 years and engaged for about 6 months of that time. She knew I was transgender before we started dating, but during our relationship I went back into the closet for a period of time and tried to convince myself I could keep living as a man. I recently discovered that this is not the case however. I need to transition, I am no longer able to be happy in a male role and my depression and anxiety are a constant issue because of it. I told my fiancé about a month and a half to two months ago. She was initially very distressed (she has considered herself a straight woman her whole life and only interested in men) and fought back hard, but she decided that she loved me and she was willing to give things a try. We have told a few friends, and I have come out to my dad. She has started using my female name and pronouns consistently, which does help a lot. I have also been going to therapy to get my HRT letter and think I will be getting it very soon. However, there is still one issue: The wedding. See, I am ready to go public as trans... as a matter of fact, I feel like I NEED to go public. It doesn't feel optional anymore, I need to start living life authentically as myself. Being seen as a male is tearing me apart internally and my dysphoria is in a constant state of elevation, just wishing I could say "screw it" and just start being myself. But my fiancé does not want me to go public yet... she in fact thinks we should wait until after the wedding to tell her family about me. She said she wants her family at the wedding and she thinks they won't come if they know about me, as they are for the most part very transphobic. I keep telling her that I think it will be worse to hide it until after the wedding happens, and that I wish she would be more concerned with how I feel then how her family does. I wish she could see the pain I am in, the constant anxiety not being out is causing me, and maybe she would choose my happiness over pleasing her family. Her older brother is even meant to be my "best man" but he doesn't know my biggest secret.... it all feels unhealthy and dangerous and like a powder keg that is set to explode any second at the smallest spark. Is it wrong of me to expect her to choose between me and her family? Am I wrong to ask her to let me be happy and myself without waiting until there's in-laws involved? I feel like if she was truly 100% ready to accept me as a woman, she should be willing to let other people see who I really am as well. I tell her that the family members who truly love and support her would still come to the wedding but she won't. And every time I try to talk to her about coming out to more people, she has a panic attack and starts hyperventilating and I end up being the one comforting her, even while I'm dying inside. I need advice badly.

[Janes Groove]

IMO if she's not ready to stand up at the alter with you dressed female they you two shouldn't get married yet.  Ideally you should both be excited about both your "big day" and going shopping for wedding dresses together for you and her.  She may get more comfortable in future, but as you state you haven't even begun your  HRT transition yet.  That is sure to cause even more stress on the relationship.  If she's on the fence about it now and is embarrassed to be seen with you then I would say what's the hurry?  You can always get married later.  Don't wait until you're 5 years down the road with a couple of kids and a mortgage to settle this between you two.

[DawnOday]

I know where you are coming from as I was in the closet for 64 years. I tried to come out as early as 1982 but could not confess to my therapist as it was more or less taboo. I went another 5 times before I could screw up the courage to lay it all out. I would not have been able to do it without the help and encouragement from folks like Dena, Moni and Chris-Deee, and Michelle_P.  Once exposed it was not a stretch for the therapist to confirm I am transgender. My wife somehow could understand as long as I was just a crossdresser. Now that I am on HRT for 10 months, it turns out she is embarrassed by me. Remember the parents have made their choice how they will live their life. You and your fiancee need to decide if you are going to live your's. Good luck and remember we are here to help in any way we can.

[Dena]

A though crossed my mind. Has your fiancé gone in public with you dressed as yourself? If she hasn't, there is a risk that after you are married, she will continue to push the big day off because she will still be uncomfortable with your appearance. Before you commit to marriage, see how she adjust to a taste of what life will be. If she will not do that, you need to delay your marriage as it could be a big mistake for both of you.

[LizK]

If you get through the wedding what will the rest of your marriage look like. Is she so caught up and in love with the getting married part that she has overlooked your part in it. Weddings can be all consuming affairs to organise.

I would be concerned about the after part, What is the worst case scenario of she tells them before the wedding ...what is the worst case scenario if she tells them after. I think you should trust you feeling on this

it all feels unhealthy and dangerous and like a powder keg that is set to explode any second at the smallest spark

IMHO you should really listen to your feelings on this. We get one go at this life, don't waste one second longer than you have to, till you can be true to yourself.

[Denise]

Make it unanimous.    If your To-Be-Forever-Partner isn't willing to lose her family (which may/may-not happen) now and playing the charade that she's marrying a dude how will she go through life?

All the suggestions above are excellent.  Go out in public with her as Macy Rose. 

Couple of things to consider:
1) freeze some (a lot?) sperm before you start HT.  Your wife may want kids one day.
2) you don't need to wear a "wedding dress" at your wedding.  (Although it sounds fun.)

Bottom line - Tell them.  Tell them one-at-a-time not in a group. (Assuming you can trust them to keep it quiet.)  Going "full-time" can wait, but going once-in-a-while (maybe in a different town) is an option.

[JoanneB]

"Wait until after he wedding (is there a date set yet?) because my folks will be upset by you."  (I'll pass on the total irony of how a wedding will magically get them to change their minds)

What next? Wait until after the honeymoon? Wait until we get "settled" in. Wait until after the kid is born? Wait until......?

IMO - I think waiting to get married is a far better option right now. Like Elisabeth said, she may be in love with the concept of a marriage and the dream wedding. My ex once said to me shortly after our wedding and several years of living together; "We are not acting like married people". I was like WTF???

Your g/f is likely far from ready for dealing with the reality of you being full-time female. She may never be. She may be waiting and hoping that in time she will be. That after a marriage her commitment to the cause will be stronger.

Then there are the total unknowns you are facing starting a transition. You haven't started HRT yet. Likely, how you see the world and yourself will change in time. My wife's greatest fear is that as I grow as a person and slowly discover who I am, I just may end up falling in love with some guy. I cannot honestly say that will never happen. TBH - I have a pretty poor track record of predicting how my life is going to turn out 

So tell me again why the rush to get married? Perhaps she isn't the only one enamored by the concept of being married? Or is it external pressure? Fear of living life alone?

[Dayta]

Macyrose,

First of all, hi SoCal neighbor!  I sure don't know what's going on in your fiancee's mind, and I won't speculate.  Based on my own prognosticatory powers, I wouldn't advise anyone to work off of speculations about what anyone else might be thinking.  That said, the conditional aspect of asking to wait until after, or such and so... relies upon some hypothetical result that may or may not ever be met.  I don't think that the wedding is more important than the truth, and if I was asked to do this, I'd have to think long and hard about whether to take that leap.  I want to say that I wouldn't do it, but I know myself well enough to know that I'm often willing to make those kinds of sacrifices, and they're not always good choices. 

I don't envy you this choice, and I've now lived the realities of both good marriages and bad marriages. Marriages conditional upon some other thing just seem to be getting off on the wrong foot.  I wonder how your partner would take an ultimatum from you?  Not to suggest that you offer one, but something to think about.  It does make me think about the photos, too.  What's it going to be like looking back at those photos of you, inauthentic in your wedding garb. Are you (both) going to want to hang those photos up and think back to that happy day?  Will they one day become another kind of bargaining chip, or something to point at and reminisce over or to regret?  These are totally just hypothetical thoughts, not predictions, but it may be worth thinking about how this path leads to happiness.  I do think that postponing the whole thing may be another "good" option.  Now that I've had two weddings, I discovered that some of the things I did in my first wedding were things I thought that one simply had to do.  My second wedding was much more about what we wanted, not what we were obligated to do under some social contract.  While I don't regret the first one, I did realize that we had always had complete control, and could have done it any way that we wanted.  You can do that too. You can have exactly the wedding you want.  Maybe it's this one, or maybe it's not.  And maybe you won't know for sure until after. 

I hope you make the right choice for you, and I hope it gives a result that you're satisfied with and happy with.  Unfortunately, those are not always the same thing. I'm hoping and praying for you both, that you both get exactly what you want, or what you can both live with.   Thanks for sharing with us here.  I know it's hard, I can't even imagine how it feels for you.  But my thoughts and prayers include you now.  You seem like a sweet, lovely person who certainly deserves to be happy.

Erin