Why is gender so complicated?

[IGotIssues]

Background info on me: 16, AFAB, Questioning Gender

Hey so like why is gender so confusing?
I feel like my whole life I've just been that one "weird" person, never fitting in. 
I acted boyish I suppose, labelled as a Tom Boy. I got bullied alot for being hairy since like 8, later on for being loud and then for being overweight (lost the weight now thou all g).

It' been a constant struggle, trying to be me without being looked as if I'm a freak ya know. Since I was young I also kind of enyved boys. The physic especially and the clothes they wore. I also like the idea of hanging out with the boys. I liked the stereotypical man garbage, but I never thought I was one just jealous.

I still do- and have always wished I was born a guy it would of been easier and more me.  I always watch skinny to fit workout videos, it makes me sad that I can't have a flat chested ab-tastic body and be a strong boi. I also watched alot of FTM transition videos, thinking that was really cool and how I wished it was me but it didn't click it might be me.

I guess it kind of seem stereotypical transguy, but then it gets more complex. I suffer from PCOS and well I was masculanized and feminized in puberty in a sense... I got a chest and hips, but I also got a more masc face and even hairier (errg, I hate being hairy) even like on my chest. SO I was like hating my body for being neither male or female.. if that makes sense? I mean I would see it as wrong..? I assumed I didn't like it for being masc but honestly Idk anymore.

I remember when I first kind of "realized" I had a chest I was happy because I thought I was finally becoming normal :/ and guys would like me? But I still wanted to be a guy. It was weird, I was just jealous as heck but I kind of tried to accept I wasn't one?  And that worked for a while I guess. Until I just was like "Lets be me wOOo" and well I dress all masc work out etc. I thought that would fix it I thought I was jealous because of gender roles, but now.. I still don't feel fullfilled people don't view me as a guy, just a genderbending masc looking chick.

And it's weird because my sexuality is all over the place to, I always liked guys and I just ergg I hated my body so much and the idea of being "intimate" but I thought everyone was like this. Then I had a crush on a girl, and I realized I like the idea of her body... but not my own with her which was weird. Like I hated the idea of her seeing my chest and hips .  When I look at guys, I have like 2 modes one is like 'Lucky he a male, I wanna be like that' and the other is being hella uncomfortable that I am a masc girl and that a guy would never like me. But I can't bear the idea of trying to be fem to? But I hate being a masc girl? Like I don't want to break gender norms, its just who I am *sigh*. I also only see myself as attractive when I view myself as a guy, as a female I feel 100% ugly.

And I just, really don't know.. sometimes I daydream of being a guy going on T and wearing a tux having "a cold one with the boys". But I feel like my sexuality almost ruins it because I have this weird need to try be a stereotypical female to get a guy to like me. But I don't like it. I don't like the idea of a guy finding my attractive over my fem-ness :c like my chest or hips. Or society viewing me as a masc girl instead of a guy, (I wouldn't mind being viewed as a fem guy or masc guy, just a guy)
Its so confusing? I'm kind of done at this point. 

I'm not even asking if I'm trans, I know only I can tell.
But like does anyone else have similar feelings or any advice. Or maybe suggestions of an identity I might be?
I cry over this confusion, I really wish gender wasn't a thing and we all had the same anatomy and just could go about are day being 'ourselves' in a sense. I wonder if I ever will feel comfortable with myself :/.

[Elis]

Yep; gender and sexuality has been a constant source of confusion for me too. At 23 I finally feel I might now have most of the answers but I know that people are ever evolving and learning about themselves.

A bit of background about myself- always played with boys and liked stereotypically girl things. Never played with girls because I couldn't identify with them. When puberty hit the social and body dysphoria hit hard. I always felt uncomfortable about my body and tried to cover it up. Felt slightly jealous of boys at school and envious at girls because I couldn't be 'normal' like them. Tried to be girly but that failed miserably as I had no idea how too. Àt 18 met a girl and started a relationship to see if I was gay. Realised I felt more like her bf than gf so thought I was a trans man; but that never felt right either. Also realised I was demisexual and maybe not as exclusive attracted to women as I thought. Dysphoria become worse after this realisation so I started T at 21. The dysphoria had almost all disappeared.  Then started accepting my non binary trans identity a lot more and found the label demi male which suits me well atm (somebody who feels mostly male but also another gender; for me agender). I also accepted I like being fem now that I don't get called a girl for doing so.

For now I'd suggest to take things slowly. Find out which clothes make you feel most like yourself and comfortable. Buy a binder or get one secondhand from an LGBT charity if you think you have chest dysphoria; alternatively you can use the two sports bra method if you don't want to take that step right now.

Look at the wiki on the forum about different nb gender identities. There's also the non binary network YouTube channel and tumblr page you might find useful. And the online magazine 'beyond the binary' about all things nb.

Feel free to PM me if you want to vent or need advice

[ds1987]

The more I discover about myself, the more I see that gender isn't at all complicated.  If you can find the freedom in it, it can actually a lot of fun and even rewarding to know that you're questioning and exploring something that many just assume about themselves.  People make it complicated. 

I'm of the mindset that there is Sex (your biology) and there is Gender (your identity, social expression, et al).  Sexuality is a separate facet, yet it very often collaborates in some way with the first two.  People want to look at someone and go "they look and "act" like a man/woman, so that is what they are.  Whew!"  I add the "whew" because now that there are so many known and expressed modes of gender, people get confused.  Instead of allowing that confusion to become freedom, I think there's a fear that if they accept someone's "atypical" gender, it would call their own gender into question.  It's easy for people to put Sex and Gender as one and the same, two sides of the coin.

So really, it seems so complicated because people make it so.  Even if you never had anyone forcing you to be a certain way, you can feel left out, rejected, and alone because you "don't fit in."  You're also so young to be starting this conversation with yourself, which speaks monumentally about who you are as a person and who you will continue to become.  And the fact that there are so many more of us who show our expression and discuss our gender identities (in private or public), says that the complications aren't working as well as they used to.

I hope this helps!

Aria

[Kylo]

In short, yes. As a bi guy myself these are familiar feelings. A lot of people seem to feel like this. Not only is the trans condition a complex and in some ways debilitating thing to live with, but being a gay or bisexual male comes with its own set of issues to deal with.

You sound like a bisexual trans man to me. But I don't know you, only you know you. There is a line to be crossed here that if you transitioned you would find yourself immediately cut off from most of that potential female-type behavior with other men, I'd suggest it's the habit of a lifetime to assume that sort of role with them because you know it gets results. You can step out of it with time and practice if that is what you want. That's not to say you can't be a more shy, retiring sort of male ... there are plenty of those who do assume less dominant behavior among males, but if you're talking specifically dating... yeah. You cross that line and your chances to act that way with other men are going to be limited, and let's not sugar coat it - straight men are interested in female body parts, hip/waist ratios etc. There are other kinds of men (and women), of course, who would be open to you instead.

Identity doesn't have a lot to do with sexual attraction in my experience, but even so they're inextricable. . .