Hello all,
My name is Amanda, and I am a 39 year old bi-sexual woman (MTF). I have no children, but how I fantasize about being able to bear a child, I would like to introduce myself. I visited the website in the past, however never really posted or connected with people.
My Name: Well I chose my name because it means "worthy of love". I knew my decision to transition would come to a shock to loved ones, and that there will be difficult times ahead, but I told myself I need to transition for me because I am worth it.
A little about my dark past:
In the past I have chosen to put my head in the sand, living a life riddled with mental health issues because I failed to look within. I was consistently being followed by the dark clouds of depression. I ended up having a few suicide attempts, but then I came to a realization about my meaning of life; it was simply put creation. Creation can be a choice, I choose to create ideas, choose to love etc. They are many forms of creation. Because of this, I decided to never destroy my life. The most beautiful manifestation of creation is life itself. I still struggled with my life, not knowing what was wrong with me, I told myself I would never kill myself, but I sure hope something happens today that would kill me. I have had a few happy moments when I was younger buying women clothes and wearing them in private, but that was quickly suppressed and later turned into shame/guilt. I am not perfect and I have to grieve all the lost experiences. but I have to live for today, and I choose to be happy, and in 2014 I started following my heart.
The beginning of my bright future.
I suggested to my partner one night if she would be ok with a "role reversal". I would "play" the woman and she the man. I shaved my legs my armpits, put on a stuffed bra, did my hair and nails. And i was in heaven. My partner was shocked of how much I was enjoyed this role reversal. This night sparked something in me.
Later I googled "feeling like a woman", then read more about transgender and gender vs sex. The picture of my life started to make sense, as I realized that I am a woman. In 2014 I talked to my partner about this, and told her I have to transition. I cant ever go back. She was shocked, but that night or the night after she came home with a transition kit, she bought me make-up and the works. She was so supportive. We are engaged , and I had the typical guy ring, and not long after she proposed to me with a diamond ring. I was shocked and obviously cried. I am so grateful. I started hormones May 2015, and will be Post op hopefully in the next few months. (Yah!)
Tried to keep it short,
Amanda
