Change of attitude

[MelissaAnn]

This is from last year but worth sharing again..

I have been estranged from my parents for years and as I started my unmasking I always said that they must accept me for me and it was non-negotiable. What this did instead of forcing them to accept me it put more walls up between us. I was very adamant that they had to change and I didn't. I hadn't seen or spoken to my parents in years.

Since I first took that stance there have been a couple of things happen. The health of my parents has declined and my attitude changed towards the way I was seeking their acceptance.

I was blind with hurt and anger from our past. And was telling myself that they had to change and not I. I now see that that was keeping me from having any kind of relationship with my family.

I am not being so adamant about them using my name and my pronouns as I was. Yes I want them to use my name and pronouns but I also need to understand that it isn't easy for them. For 50 years they saw and treated me one way so how can I expect them to change on a dime? It took me over forty years to accept myself so how can I demand them to accept me without giving them time to adjust. My mom is making an effort and that's all I can truly ask of her. With each visit and each time I talk to her she is becoming more accepting and is slowly starting to call me Melissa and I'm being more understanding of her still using my dead name.

Why the change in my attitude? That was simple. I realized I was not following my own advice that I give. I will always talk about kindness and understanding and acceptance and trying to look at things from the other person's point of view. I was not doing this and it was a real wakeup call for me when I realized I wasn't doing what I preach. So I started following my own advice and now change is happening. `Yesterday as I was saying goodbye with my mom at the end of a visit with her she told me "I love you. Be a good GIRL".

The morale of the story that I'm talking about here is that in life there is always change but the way change is approached can have a lasting effect on relationships you have in life. You cannot force someone to change but you can help them accept change and change takes time.

[KathyLauren]

Some wise words there, MelissaAnn.

[LizK]

It would seem almost like you have just written about my parents. I was 51 when I started my Transition and they are in their 70's. For the first 12 months I copped plenty from them in backhanded ways but very rarely pushed back.

I was blind with hurt and anger from our past. And was telling myself that they had to change and not I. I now see that that was keeping me from having any kind of relationship with my family.

That is a wonderful piece of insight and I am happy that you have reached this point.

You cannot force someone to change but you can help them accept change and change takes time.

So very true...sometimes love is the best weapon we have.

I have had some difficulties with my parents and my approach has been that I have not insisted on them using my pronouns and name but have instead taken the time to explain in detail the kind of impact them misgendering or misnaming me has not only on me but my family.  My mother stopped misnaming and misgendering me deliberately  almost immediately after our chat but my Father has become far more aggressive with me and uses my name and male pronouns every opportunity he can. Sigh!!

However he is the only one and it does stick out.