What's the best time and place to come out?

[CatherineVeraGat]

I'm trying to figure out what's the best time to tell my mom that I'm not happy with my gender. I'm thinking of waiting to tell her in the summer. What is the best time to come out?

Little about me
My mom is fully 100% Democratic.
I'm currently in 10th grade.
I'm thinking of waiting to fully transition when I graduate from high school, when I'm moving on to collage.
I want to be a woman.
I really don't have a social life. I do think that if I do make some friends before I transition that I know that they won't support me of what I'm doing, I can just tie off communications with that person. So they won't tell other people what I'm doing or where I live or any information about me that can harm me or my family.
I currently live in Texas.
I'm currently Not a woman.
I'm currently gay right now.


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[kat69]

It is not an easy thing to do...coming out.  Figuring out how and when is as difficult as speaking the words.  To be honest, there aren't any rules or best practices for,this. What I've found that has helped is for you to have support, but for the person you're telling to,be alone.  This way you have someone to,turn to if you need it and the person you're telling will have to turn to you for answers.

I hope this helps.

[FTMDiaries]

The best time & place is whenever & wherever you feel ready. Some of us wait for a specific date, time or circumstance. Some of us do it face-to-face, some in writing, some over the phone, some with gimmicks like balloons or cakes announcing our gender. You know your mother, so pick something that you think will work with her.

As for your other points: your mother's political views are not relevant to how she'll react. There are plenty of right-wing parents who accept their their LGBT loved ones, and plenty of left-wing ones who reject them. Hopefully she'll be ok, but how someone votes does not determine whether they'll be decent or a douche. Did you come out as gay to her? If so, how did she react? That's a far better indicator than how she votes.

Transitioning between high school & college is a great idea, especially of your college is in a different area than your high school. You can start afresh in a new identity without having to deal with weirdness from people who knew you pre-transition. I don't know what these grades are that you mention but I presume it means you're in your late teens.

Many of us struggle with friendships & relationships pre-transition. This can get easier once you've transitioned, especially as you're still very young.

Your sexual orientation is completely separate from you being trans. Most of us are at least partially attracted to the same gender, but you're (apparently) attracted to the opposite gender. That means you're actually straight so when you transition your dating pool will consist mainly of straight men. Have you considered that yet?

As for living in Texas... there's Texas and then there's Texas. I used to live in a very backwards place that is a couple of decades behind when it comes to LGBT rights. If you're in a cosmopolitan area like one of the big cities you should be OK, but if you're in a less sophisticated area you might want to consider moving.

[Devlyn]

There probably is no best time and place. Like most things that have to be done, it's usually best to just do it and get it out of the way. You can write a letter and include everything you would like to address. That's the best way if you want the person to see your position in its entirety before they respond. If you go verbally, I can almost guarantee that you won't get past "I'm transgender..." before the questions start. 

Best wishes for a smooth ride.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Dayta]

Hi Catherine,

When I came out I started by engaging the people I felt most confident would be supportive.  First was my wife's family, who were all very enthusiastic supporters (I think my wife actually knew I was trans before I did!), whom we just talked to over the phone.  I emailed my three best friends from high school, and all responded with votes of support as well.  Then we sent letters to a few of my sisters, the ones I'm closest with.  That also went well.  Then we sent out letters to my youngest sister and my mother, then called my mom after it was received.  Neither of those went very well.  My sister never responded, and my mother wouldn't talk for about 3 weeks.   

Finally, I came out at work, speaking first only with our HR folks, who arranged for a meeting where they informed my bosses and all of our team.  That was great, much more so than I expected.  After I had done that, I went ahead and updated my Facebook, which also resulted in lots of positive feedback. 

I guess the only "mistake" we made was having expectations for specific people.  While everyone kind of responded in the way we expected, I suppose some of them could have gone either way.  If one of those that I thought would be supportive for sure turned out not to be so, I imagine I'd have been pretty disappointed, for some maybe even devastated.  I think you kind of have to just be optimistic for each, and give each person you tell the choice of how they're going to respond.  But telling the person or persons you feel most connected to first may help to build some momentum, and help you to ride through the ones that are more likely to be difficult. 

Erin

[CatherineVeraGat]

Hey, FTMDiaries

I think that I will tell her face-to-face but currently I'm starting to get a little nervous about it. I think that I would write her a letter instead. I do have some times and places that I think that will be best for her. I did came out and told her that I'm gay. She reacted great. But I was nervous when I told her, it was my first time to tell someone. But when the next day came, we had to run some errands together. At that time, I feel like the only thing that we were both thinking that I'm gay. So I wasn't comfortable around her. When we got back into the car, I told her that I'm not gay and I just wanted to see how much she love me. So I got back into the closet.

I really do think that she knows that I'm gay. But she hasn't confronted the topic yet, which I will come out when I'm ready to tell her. To make things worse, I told her that I wanted heels, she was okay with it and she brought me some heels. I only wear the heels when I'm in my room. At that time, I was exploring to find the person that I really am. I really do think that she knows that I'm gay.

When I transition full-time, I will be attracted to straight men. But right now, I'm currently attached to gay men.

For college, I think that my first two years of college will be close to home then for the rest of college I think I will go to a collage that will  fit my education needs so I think that it will be far from home, but not out of state.

After college, I'm planning to live in California, or Washington, or Oregon. I just need to explore what is the right place for me to live in.

I'm sorry that I got you confused. I did try to make things easier to understand in my first post of this topic. (See above.)



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[elkie-t]

I'd say the sooner the better. Maybe you should ask her to allow to go to a psychologist, and seek her advice. Maybe (since you already came out to her as gay), it might be easier to tell her straight what you wrote to us and ask her permission to see the shrink.

There are lots of benefits of transition early. I know teens can be cruel and school can be a jungle. Still, if you do it early enough, before your body fully develops into male pattern, you will have better chances to develop into a beauty. Don't wait, don't exclude your mom, she did not deserve it


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[eyesk8rboi]

There is no right way, time or place as a general.....It's whenever the way, time and place feel right to you!

I'm currently mostly closeted about the whole thing.
I am planning on telling my mother soon, as I am planning on starting HRT very soon...(within the next few months), and I'm nervous, but I also just want to get it over with. I've already prepaired myself that she will not understand, but will still love me...I just don't know what kind of rift will be there, because we've always been really close....but there's just this gut feeling that I need to do it SOON!

Now....my grandmother on the other hand...I'm also very close with her, however she's extremely religious and I know it's just going to break her heart....That being said! I would much rather present feminine to my grandmother as long as possible just to save her for the heartache....I know this probably isn't the right approach....buuuuuut it's how my brain is working right now.

Being transgender means that there is a pat you're going down in this life, but it's not a set in stone path, much like every other path you encounter. There is no right or wrong way to do it, as long as you follow you heart, your gut and your common sense!

Hope that helps! Just take everything in stride and do things in the most comfortable and natural way that you can. 

[elkie-t]

I wonder if you can request a private meeting with the pastor of her church and talk about your concerns regarding coming out to your grandma. If the pastor would be supportive, you might get a great ally, if not - may be his knee-jerk reaction tells your grandma what kind of a Christian he is.   Or you might find a supportive pastor from another congregation and invite your grandma there for a few times and then again, spill the beans.


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[eyesk8rboi]

I wonder if you can request a private meeting with the pastor of her church and talk about your concerns regarding coming out to your grandma. If the pastor would be supportive, you might get a great ally, if not - may be his knee-jerk reaction tells your grandma what kind of a Christian he is.   Or you might find a supportive pastor from another congregation and invite your grandma there for a few times and then again, spill the beans.


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I actually used to belong to that church myself........It might be a good idea. But it's southern baptist so we'll see. My grandfather is also a deacon there, and my aunt got pregnant out of wedlock (like my mother and my other aunt) and they were sooooo concerned about the church finding out...But I will definitely think about that....The preacher there is super cool!

[elkie-t]

I actually used to belong to that church myself........It might be a good idea. But it's southern baptist so we'll see. My grandfather is also a deacon there, and my aunt got pregnant out of wedlock (like my mother and my other aunt) and they were sooooo concerned about the church finding out...But I will definitely think about that....The preacher there is super cool!

I had a friend who was our little community gossip mill. Any time you wanted to make a big announcement, all you'd need to do was to tell her. Everyone knew she won't hold secrets, and used it accordingly, and she knew she wasn't expected to hold any piece of news back. You may use that deacon in a similar fashion