Coming out at work - Trouble Deciding on Method

[AlyssaJ]

Now that I'm on HRT, I'm starting to put some serious thought into how I'm going to come out at work. I work out of my home in WI for a company that is based in Maryland. My plan so far is to come out to my VP and CEO who I essentially report to along with our HR Director before hormones cause too many changes and then my coming out to the rest of our company of 50 people would be at the point I decide to go full time.

Now the problem I'm having is deciding how to come out to those first three people.  Most of the people I've come out to, I've done so by letter.  It gave me the ability to make sure I articulate everything the way I want and to say everything without being interrupted by questions.  Additionally, it gives the people I'm coming out to time to digest what I'm telling them without having to immediately interface with me or try to guard their reactions.

On the flip side, I feel like for something this big I owe them the courtesy of an in-person conversation. Also doing it in person would allow me to see their reactions and get a send of their true feelings rather than a carefully worded response.  Regardless of laws, I don't want to work for people who would prefer I not be a part of their company even if they say all the right things.

So ultimately I'm trying to decide between sending an email with a letter attached or flying out to our Headquarters to meet with the three of them in person.  I'm curious what thoughts you all have.  Pros or Cons of each approach I've not considered. Success or horror stories from your own experiences. Any outside perspective you can share with me will certainly help me make a more informed and prepared decision.

[Denise]

All that follows is MY PERSONAL OPINION.  If you follow my advice and the sky falls...  remember you know the situation better than the rest of us.

Well it depends upon a few things.
1) Are you the first to (openly) transition at work?
(If someone went before you then call HR or better yet the other person.)

2) How well do you know your CEO & VP.
(the less personal you know them, the more I would lean towards a letter)

I can tell you this - I work for a HUGE company (tens of thousands of people internationally) and I told a dozen people individually slowly almost immediately after I was diagnosed.  I told my boss that something was going on and she respected my privacy and didn't pry. I did spill my guts to 4 other ladies over the first few months.  I needed someone to talk to.

I ended up telling HR earlier than expected, but that's a long story.  About two weeks before going full-time HR told upper management for me.  From there it spread like wild fire for about a week or two then .... crickets ....  I transitioned at work fully on March 3rd.  Since then I have not had a peep out of anyone about it.

Basically, to my face and even rumors floating around, NO BODY CARED.  Even though I wanted to scream "I FEEL GREAT" while standing on my desk, no one else gives me a second thought.  (at least outwardly)

Basically - I don't think it matters. 

I don't know if I would make a special trip when there are phones.  If you are going to go for some other reason, then tell them in person.

(How's that for wishy-washy!)

[Laurie]

 Hi Alyssa,

  Have you thought about a video conference? It would accomplish the face to face meeting aspect and be cheaper than a flight.

Just a thought

Laurie

[Rayna]

I agree that it's more about your relationship with them than any general advice. How do you usually interact? How formal/informal are you together? Do you discuss personal/family topics when you get together? These and more may help you think about your relationship. If you have a friendly, informal relationship, they will probably appreciate a Skype or personal visit. Good luck -- we are rooting for your success.
Randy

[elkie-t]

I would say - give HR a call first. They might have some policy how to handle it and usually are on your side.

Then you can request 1 on 1 meeting with the big guys you work for. Whatever you do for meetings - Skype, Webex, phone call and just spill the beans.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RobynTx]

Another option is hand delivering a letter.  That way they can read it and digest it and you don't have to be worried about getting nervous and fumbling apart your part of the conversation. Then you are there so they can ask questions and answer any questions with you in person.

[Rambler]

I started the process of coming out at work as I began my transition back in January. I started by first speaking to my direct supervisor and then the two of us spoke with the director of HR. This was to make my intent & impending changes know and because I knew there might be some occasions where my work schedule might interfere with transition appointments. Having both of them aware of the process I was working through made that a lot easier than just asking for obscure days & times off. After starting HRT I went back to HR and we made a plan for speaking with the rest of the leadership team. We ended up planning to tell them a little bit later than things worked out, but it can sometimes be months before full leadership meeting with the travelling that 3/5 of our directors do. So I ended up getting to speak with them all on 6/7. It went really quickly and kind of felt like a whirlwind. I just said my piece right then and there. I started by telling them that late last year I admitted & started dealing with something that I had been denying & repressing all my life, that I was transgender and had begun my transition. I quickly explained the process I had gone through so far and made clear that I didn't expect people to change the way the saw or referred to me overnight, and that I still had a long way to go before I was comfortable living as a woman, but that the changes were happening abd that I felt it important to include them in what was happening before an elephant in the room had to be addressed. The next day I told one of my close co-workers who I trust and work beside daily. It went amazingly well on both accounts. Of course, the natural reaction is for people to be at a loss for words, but they were all supportive of me. The HR director has been beyond amazing. She's even been sending out emails to our health insurance broker, trying to make sure of inclusionary policies and coverage for me when our plan switches over on September 1st!