Of course I'm being safe.
The only problem I find is that I keep wishing I had my correct body parts. I don't use mine, of course, but I feel a sense of frustration that I can do everything I want cause I don't have the right parts.
--natalie
Posted on: November 26, 2007, 01:22:48 AM
PS And of course, having the correct parts isn't all about sex, but rather about feeling complete as a woman. It's awkward to have parts that don't match -- so much now that even if I try to use them, I first get a sense of awkwardness and -- poof -- I don't feel anything. It just feels numb, dull, and boring. It's weird, but it happens to me (I don't know about others). I guess, they say, sex is really in the brain and if you don't enjoy it you're brain will block of the sensations.
For me, although, at the moment, I enjoy the cuddling, making out, etc, rather than the actual sex act (boring as all hell, actually).
But, you know, sexual expression is part of human expression. I'm a young lady and I think it's healthy that I have sexual desire. So, as a woman, I would like to feel not just complete physically, but complete sexually as well. I think that's normal. Even if, by chance, I had the corrective surgery and everything was numb, I'd still have a sense of feeling complete not just in body but in my sexuality. I might not feel everything (as there is a possibility), but the sense of being complete would really help me feel less awkward being intimate as a whole (and being intimate isn't always about sex).
Instead, I'm generally awkward at times when I get intimate with people... I don't feel complete, so I feel inadequate and because I feel inadequate I don't fully enjoy my sexuality as a woman like I feel I deserve too.
So, yeah, hot guy in my bed -- I'm comfortable to a point. But then it gets to a point that things are turned off. It's not complete. Somethings are great, and there are many other parts of the body and are erogenous, so you can learn to work with those parts of the body rather than in the incorrect part. You can orgasm with your clothes on, believe it or not. Still, I feel like I'm missing part of the experience because I don't feel complete. My body doesn't match who I am.
And, of course, if I have a partner (I'm bi, so girl or guy or even trans, etc) that partner is going to have to realize that being pre-op that I define intimacy in my own way, and that there are so many ways to be intimate that's non-traditional. (and of course, post-op isn't going to change me into a vanilla stick).
That is one thing I liked about this guy, is that he understood that (of course, he, like me, is in to kink). The idea is that many ways in the mean time to get intimate with out having to even use your parts down there. I like that being pre-op, it gives me options... I like that he's open to them. And was last night. I also liked that he knows is boundaries and mine, that we communicate, and we work together.
Still, even with this, there's a part of me that can't wait for corrective surgery because not only can I have the possibility of penetration, but I'm going to feel comfortable with my body more so and be able to enjoy myself on a whole with other things.
Anyway, it's late -- I hope that kind of made sense and I didn't come across as a sex-obsessed girl, etc. And I know some people freak at the idea of "kink" and get all kinds of weird ideas in their head (yes, some people have odd fetishes, like scat (poo play).. personally, not my thing and I doubt I could ever do that. Most people don't. LOL). My thing, actually, is sensation play, which is pretty common. Actually, it's funny but a lot of kink is becoming the new vanilla since it's so common now in some degree.
--Natalie
