Hi everyone! I'm doing an intro....And I like to babble...So buckle up buckaroos!
In general: I am 23, but will be 24 in September. I'm originally from Alabama but am now living in the good ole' ATL! Where my OTP/ITP folks at?
(I'm being awkward to make up for being nervous, so...sorry.)
I work for an eCommerce company, and live alone with my adorable mutt Biscuit. There is like 4-5 people who don't want me to die, so there's that!
I like cooking, baking, cosplay, anime, cigarettes, coffee, food, cartoons, trash TV, animals, bow ties and like 4-5 people....Pretty much hate everything else. (Because I'm salty AF!)
The history: (Bare through the intro, I swear it's related to the point!)
Before I even knew the word cosplay I was obsessed with Naruto and Bleach, and because I always knew very basic sewing skills my cousin and I would make god awful cosplays and run around the house in them. (Because who's too old for dress up? NO BODY!) I always dressed as male characters, I learned how to bind my chest with ace bandages, (Yes, I know, it's bad for you, but I wasn't aware for most of my life that it was, so
) and I never wanted to dress as the females, but I also never thought anything about it, didn't see anything wrong with it, and even though my mom said it was cross-dressing I really didn't care???
I came out to my mother as Bisexual when I was about 12 or 13....Like most parents react when they're younger kid "comes out" it was the "It's a phase" talk. She gave me a book that covered all kind of sex (gay, lesbian, straight, anal, you name it) and sent me on my way, and it didn't really come again, although I didn't do much to hide it, aside from referring to my "girlfriends" as friends....but she told me later that she knew...she wasn't stupid...I would literally talk about only that person and then they wouldn't be spoken about ever again, so there was a lot of relief there...And the only rift there was when I was openly dating a female was that she didn't want her mother to find out...Which I ALSO did not want, so it was all good, but my biological father's family is pretty cool and accepting so they all god to meet her and that was pretty cool.
Fast forward -- I have had the gender dysphoria on and off since I was 17 years old. Now that I am in therapy I am realizing that I had far earlier signs of dysphoria, though I cannot place a gender issue to them because I honestly don't remember that far back...I simply remember hating my birth name and doing everything I could to have people call me anything else from the time I was like 14 or so.
My dysphoria has always come in waves, since that first episode. Essentially it'll hit me like a ton of bricks, I'll do everything I can to present more masculine, I feel uncomfortable presenting as female, etc. Since then every time another wave hits it has been stronger and lasted longer, and it resurfaced again recently with a vengeance.
I decided to get some counseling and as ludicrous as it sounds one therapy session game me almost all of the answers I needed and I was able to realize that this is me, and I'm tired of pushing it away. After every wave of masculinity came a breakdown and a hard fall to forcing myself to be more feminine and fit into a box of femininity, and I realized that me constantly doing that to myself is really unhealthy.
The plan: So here's the ringer....I am still not officially "out"
...I am figuring out how to go about all of this. My friends and a couple of co-workers know, and my Facebook has been changed to "they/them" and a neutral version of my birth name, etc., so that maybe it won't be such a shock for the people that don't have a clue currently.
I have very religious grandparents, once of them being one of the closest people to me in my life and while I would love to tell her, it's just not the time, and I honestly don't want to tell her unless it's absolutely necessary...I am willing to swallow my dysphoria and present feminine to my grandmother as long as humanly possible if that's what it takes, because just like I don't want her Christianity shoved down my throat, I don't want my "sinfulness" shoved down her's. (Does that make sense? I feel like I'm going to get a lot of hate for this one? But it's honestly not a big deal to me on that end of the spectrum.)
I will be telling my parents shortly, as I will be about 4 session (roughly 2 months) away from getting my HRT letter. (Excited squealing!!!
) My mother will always love me unconditionally and I don't expect her to understand, so flat out....as with my grandmother, I am not going to shove a male name and pronouns down her throat. I have come to terms with the fact that I will always be my mother's daughter and my grandmother's granddaughter, and I am literally find with that, and I am NOT in denial about that. I understand that being transgender is a hard thing to wrap your head around and it takes family and friends time to adjust, and I want everyone in my life to have time to process and come around. (Once again, am I making sense, tho?)
My best friend knows, and my friends back home in Alabama are aware I have had the dysphoria before, but they're not judgmental people, which is really nice. I love that the people in my life could literally give no ->-bleeped-<-s about what I do with my life and are still happy, supportive and love me no matter what...So I'm not worried about all that. Just the family aspect....if I hurt my grandmother, I hurt my mother....So there's that??? But (this is also going to sound really awful), my great grandmother doesn't have much time left, and it was my great grandmother and that side of the family that my grandmother was concerned about when my cousin came out as a lesbian sooooooo........who knows?
The regimen: So as states, I am not on T, but I am about 2-ish months out from beginning the process of getting my hands on it. For the time being I am:
- I got a binder that actual fits and works safely!!! Woohoo! (I highly recome gc2b binders, if you have not looked into them. Flat AF!) I am also working on re-building my male wardrobe....(Why clothes gotta cost money tho?)
- I am taking vitamins and health supplements like Garlic, Dandelion, Milk Thistle and Fish Old, as well as a Multi Vitamin and about 175MG of DHEA, daily. I am also considering starting on an E-Blocker and T-Booster as well. (**DHEA is a common hormonal supplement used for natural transition FTM, and older men and women with hormonal imbalances. it is a parent hormone of both estrogen and testosterone, and can increase facial hair and deepen voice in females. I am not an expert, but I am loving this supplement so it you are pre-T it's definitely worth looking into!)
**** ALSO please don't be an idiot like me! If you want to start any of these I suggest talking to a doctor first, as is with most supplements. I am just ballsy so I take things in small doses and up them gradually to make sure I don't have any adverse reactions....Considering I am still on birth control and an ant-depressant / ant-anxiety.
- I am eating a diet heavy in protein and working out several times a week....I am focusing on chest, shoulders and back and will be adding in abs soon....Cardio will be the last to add because I reallllllly need to stop smoking, and I am also more concerned with building muscle than losing weight.
- As stated, I'll hopefully be on T by the end of the year...So yeah! I'm sure I'll be updating in these forums.
So that was pretty much my intro...I know I dragged on and on, but I warned...I am a babbler.
I am planning on starting up a YouTube channel...
I have my Tumblr up, but I haven't really broken it in yet. (transguymac)
Anyway! Nice to meet everyone looking forward to introductions, feedback, etc.!
