Things can never be the same...

[Marcieelizabeth]

I saw a quote today:

"Sometimes you have to accept that certain things will never go back to how they used to be"

The genie is out of the bottle, the cat out of the bag, the breast out of slumber, and soon into the bra, my gender out of the norm, but still me.  A lot in life, in fact all of my life, cannot ever be as it was.  No matter if I change nothing else, I know now who I am.  I know what I am, and I know no matter if I go on living as I have for so many years plodding along as society says I should, it will be different.  I wonder if this is what so many have said to me in the short number fo weeks since I rediscovered the truth and found this site, that it only gets worse.  That I cannot deny what I now know?

My story is that From about 8 to my early twenties I knew I liked lady clothing and was different but tried to be the pubescent male I was supposed to be I married, and my wife knew of my love of frilly things and women's underclothes, but of course not quite all of it - I even denied that I wnated to live as a woman - it was the early 80s and it just was too scary and I had and have a great relationship with my wife, but she does not know I have rediscovered me and figured it out!  I am transgender and I still love her and women.  I am Marcie in a male body, always have been. Just not sure how this will go, but I do know that nothing can be the same, because the real me is alive and well and I know it for sure this time.  I missed being me for decades, I do not want to miss more time, but I have others who depend on me and who do not know me - people I really care about and love.  This is so scary and difficult!! 

How many of you feel this way?  or felt this way?

How has that gone for you?

I am just trying to fit the new me into my life as it will be from now on...

I wnato thear form you all!

Love and Hugs, Marcie

[RobynTx]

Pulse pounding fear with unexpected laryngitis followed with such happiness that I couldn't describe.

I too had denied my inner woman for the longest time. I hid my secret always wanting to tell but the fear always stopped me. It was always i didn't want to ruin my wife's happiness or it was never the right moment. I was always worried that she would hate me and leave me. Finally decided to tell her but I had to wait for the right moment. It finally happened. My heart started racing when she looked me in the eyes. I tried to speak but only silence emerged. The words blurted out and I felt free. But the pain I had been feeling all of my life was trsnsferred to my wife. She was confused, pissed, angry, disappointed, and very sad. After a couple of hours of confession she was glad I was able to tell her the truth. She was only upset that it took me forever to tell her.

It has only been six days since I told her. I asked her yesterday if I seemed different, other than the new clothes, shaving and nail polish, she said I seemed more relaxed. More at ease and able to say what I felt. This is what I felt as well but I just wanted to hear someone else say it.

I am very lucky to have her. This trip, this adventure I'm on will be so much better with her by my side. I just wish everyone had someone like this by their side.

[tgirlamg]

Hi Marcie!

Yup!!! " Toto I don't think we are in Kansas anymore! "... You sound like a girl who can sense that the change in the air is inevitable and that is a place most of us who have transitioned have come to.... It is, of course,  a place that has fear of all the unknowns attached to it but it also a place in the process that fills us with hope... The way we had previously pictured the rest of our lives going kind of goes out the window and is replaced with a sea of possibilities!

Standing where you are, what lies ahead can seem so immense but like they say... How do you eat an elephant?.... One bite at a time!!!

I know much of the fear can be attributed to how this will work in terms of your marriage... That I can not tell you... I have seen it work and I have seen it not work but I believe that you know that the need for change will bring you to a point where you will have the answer to that question...

Here are some thoughts I have written to others here along the same lines in the last day or two for whatever value they hold for your consideration....


I've told people when I do speaking engagements that starting transition is much like telling everyone closest to you, that you are climbing a huge mountain... Some may not want to make the journey with you and we must leave them behind...Others may try to climb with us with the best intention ...but find along the way, that their path is elsewhere and does not lead to the top where we are going... Bless them for being a part of your life and bid them safe travels... We can lose people along the way but new faces take their place to care for us and be cared for by us... this journey is about our connection to others and the world around us!!!... Have a good climb!

Amazing things lay ahead Marcie!... The journey can be hard ...but claiming a life that is finally your own is a precious and irreplaceable thing... It is worth every bit of struggle...

Let us know how to help as you navigate the days to come and feel free to PM me anytime if I can be of help!!!!


Onward we go brave girl!!!!


Ashley

[HappyMoni]

Marcie,
   Hi my friend, you know I am rooting for you. I wonder if anyone has had success with the testing the water approach. The "I am struggling with this." approach. Just a thought. Talk later.
Moni

[DawnOday]

Not knowing your age we can't be too sure. But, if you were born between 1947 and 1972, your mother may have been prescribed Diethylstilbestrol or DES. A synthetic estrogen often prescribed to women to prevent miscarriage. Do you have genital defects, late descending testes, enlarged / deformed veins on your penis, Epididymal Cysts, Cryptorchidism, Micro phallus,  Testicular varicoceles, infertility, coupled with heart disease, depression, diabetes? If so, you too may be a victim of medical malpractice. See for yourself.  Http:\\DESACTION.ORG   Sons   I have most the symptoms listed so I'm pretty sure this is what happened to me. The body is formed in the first trimester while the brain develops during the second and third.  I have no way to prove my Mom was administered these drugs for sure, But, the mounting evidence made absolute sense. At least being able to refer to this information has made it easier on my loved ones to understand why I am the way I am.

[AlyssaJ]

Marcie, I think many of us have been there, I sure have.  I knew of my desire to be more feminine from about the age of 5.  Like you I did everything I could out of shame and fear to bury those feelings.  So much denial that I couldn't even admit to myself what was going on.  Got married, had three kids, but early on my wife was aware of my crossdressing.  At the time I told her it was a fetish, and I believed that.  But the pressure built and built and finally  toward the end of last year, I needed to do something. Suicidal thoughts had entered my head, I was beginning to resent my wife and treat her poorly and I couldn't let it go on.

I was pretty naive when I first came out.  I actually expected my wife would find it a relief to finally understand the "why" behind my feminine desires.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I hadn't at that point made a decision to transition but was just getting ready to start working with a gender therapist to figure out what I really was.

By the time I came to terms with the fact that I am female and need to transition, I was a lot better educated.  If you read any of the guides about coming out, they'll usually tell you that you need to be prepared to lose everything.  Truly this is the case and I knew it.  When I told my wife I was going to start hormones and begin transition, I knew it would likely end our marriage, I knew I could end up losing my job and I knew that family and friends would likely reject and abandon me. Yet I knew if I went another 5 years without doing anything, I'd probably be dead before I made it that far. So I chose transition.

Now, thankfully, so far none of those things have happened.  My job appears so far to be very supportive.  My family has been amazingly supportive.  My wife has struggled immensely yet we're still working to keep our marriage together.  Throughout her struggles she's told me that as much as she'd love for me to tell her that I've changed my mind and this isn't who I am, she could never trust in that and would always be afraid it would resurface.  In that way, yes, once the genie is out of the lamp, there's no putting her back. 

It's a very tough decision to make and each of us has to make it for ourselves.  You have to be very realistic about the potential consequences and be prepared for the worst.  It sounds like you've already decided that this is something you need to do regardless of the potential costs, so you may be there.  But again, you'll have to determine that for yourself and we'll all be here to support you whatever you decide.

[KathyLauren]

All things are impermanent.  Nothing is ever the same, regardless of whether you act or don't.  Once the cat is out of the bag, it won't go back in.  That is not just in reference to telling other people; it also applies to discovering yourself.  You can't un-know what you now know.

I hid the knowledge from myself for six decades.  Once I figured it out, I could not see myself living out the rest of my life having that knowledge but not acting on it.  I could not have survived for long that way.

So, yes, I know how you feel.  It is indeed scary and difficult. 

When I realized that I had to move forward, I did so with a great deal of fear.  I had to gamble my marriage.  Some of the things that attracted me to my wife in the first place - her compassion, her strength of character - suggested that it would be okay, but I didn't know for sure, and the consequence if I was wrong would have been terrible.  But I knew that not moving forward, knowing what I knew, would have been worse.

It took me months, and a good deal of prodding from members here, in particular HappyMoni, to actually come out to my wife (a year ago this week).  We are still happily together.

But I get where you are.  It is a scary place and the outcome is uncertain.  You can move forward because you can't go back.

[DawnOday]

Marcie, I think many of us have been there, I sure have.  I knew of my desire to be more feminine from about the age of 5.  Like you I did everything I could out of shame and fear to bury those feelings.  So much denial that I couldn't even admit to myself what was going on.  Got married, had three kids, but early on my wife was aware of my crossdressing.  At the time I told her it was a fetish, and I believed that.  But the pressure built and built and finally  toward the end of last year, I needed to do something. Suicidal thoughts had entered my head, I was beginning to resent my wife and treat her poorly and I couldn't let it go on.

I was pretty naive when I first came out.  I actually expected my wife would find it a relief to finally understand the "why" behind my feminine desires.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I hadn't at that point made a decision to transition but was just getting ready to start working with a gender therapist to figure out what I really was.

By the time I came to terms with the fact that I am female and need to transition, I was a lot better educated.  If you read any of the guides about coming out, they'll usually tell you that you need to be prepared to lose everything.  Truly this is the case and I knew it.  When I told my wife I was going to start hormones and begin transition, I knew it would likely end our marriage, I knew I could end up losing my job and I knew that family and friends would likely reject and abandon me. Yet I knew if I went another 5 years without doing anything, I'd probably be dead before I made it that far. So I chose transition.

Now, thankfully, so far none of those things have happened.  My job appears so far to be very supportive.  My family has been amazingly supportive.  My wife has struggled immensely yet we're still working to keep our marriage together.  Throughout her struggles she's told me that as much as she'd love for me to tell her that I've changed my mind and this isn't who I am, she could never trust in that and would always be afraid it would resurface.  In that way, yes, once the genie is out of the lamp, there's no putting her back. 

It's a very tough decision to make and each of us has to make it for ourselves.  You have to be very realistic about the potential consequences and be prepared for the worst.  It sounds like you've already decided that this is something you need to do regardless of the potential costs, so you may be there.  But again, you'll have to determine that for yourself and we'll all be here to support you whatever you decide.

Alyssa  Congratulations to you and your wife to have the maturity and wisdom to keep the lines of communication open. Some of us shut down and only bad can happen in that instance. I've tried to be open, telling my wife I crossdressed before we got married. It was not brought up again until May 2016. While my wife has finally expressed her embarrassment, she still says she loves me. I'll take that for now. We continue to work towards a solution just as we have on numerous occasions  throughout or 35 year marriage. I will not go back, it took too long to get here. But I don't want to lose her either.

[Marcieelizabeth]

Pulse pounding fear with unexpected laryngitis followed with such happiness that I couldn't describe.

I too had denied my inner woman for the longest time. I hid my secret always wanting to tell but the fear always stopped me. It was always i didn't want to ruin my wife's happiness or it was never the right moment. I was always worried that she would hate me and leave me. Finally decided to tell her but I had to wait for the right moment. It finally happened. My heart started racing when she looked me in the eyes. I tried to speak but only silence emerged. The words blurted out and I felt free. But the pain I had been feeling all of my life was trsnsferred to my wife. She was confused, pissed, angry, disappointed, and very sad. After a couple of hours of confession she was glad I was able to tell her the truth. She was only upset that it took me forever to tell her.

It has only been six days since I told her. I asked her yesterday if I seemed different, other than the new clothes, shaving and nail polish, she said I seemed more relaxed. More at ease and able to say what I felt. This is what I felt as well but I just wanted to hear someone else say it.

I am very lucky to have her. This trip, this adventure I'm on will be so much better with her by my side. I just wish everyone had someone like this by their side.

I am so happy for you.  I think part of me waiting now is for ME top accept the whole thing.  I am really just admitting that this is what has been going on NOW.  Decades of cross dressing alone and hoarding clothes, and well some kinky things related to all this and now I really am sure I am transgender.

[RobynTx]

I am so happy for you.  I think part of me waiting now is for ME top accept the whole thing.  I am really just admitting that this is what has been going on NOW.  Decades of cross dressing alone and hoarding clothes, and well some kinky things related to all this and now I really am sure I am transgender.

Believe it or not just joining this forum was a big step for me.  It can be for you. Plenty of people here who have been or are currently going through the same thing.  There is a big relief just admitting it to yourself that you are not happy and would be happier if you were the other sex.  It's a big choice to make, no getting around that, but it's a choice that has to be made.

[Marcieelizabeth]

Not knowing your age we can't be too sure. But, if you were born between 1947 and 1972, your mother may have been prescribed Diethylstilbestrol or DES. A synthetic estrogen often prescribed to women to prevent miscarriage. Do you have genital defects, late descending testes, enlarged / deformed veins on your penis, Epididymal Cysts, Cryptorchidism, Micro phallus,  Testicular varicoceles, infertility, coupled with heart disease, depression, diabetes? If so, you too may be a victim of medical malpractice. See for yourself.  Http:\\DESACTION.ORG   Sons   I have most the symptoms listed so I'm pretty sure this is what happened to me. The body is formed in the first trimester while the brain develops during the second and third.  I have no way to prove my Mom was administered these drugs for sure, But, the mounting evidence made absolute sense. At least being able to refer to this information has made it easier on my loved ones to understand why I am the way I am.

1959 but none of those symptoms so maybe it is just who I am?  ugh!

Love and Hugs!

[Marcieelizabeth]

Marcie, I think many of us have been there, I sure have.  I knew of my desire to be more feminine from about the age of 5.  Like you I did everything I could out of shame and fear to bury those feelings.  So much denial that I couldn't even admit to myself what was going on.  Got married, had three kids, but early on my wife was aware of my crossdressing.  At the time I told her it was a fetish, and I believed that.  But the pressure built and built and finally  toward the end of last year, I needed to do something. Suicidal thoughts had entered my head, I was beginning to resent my wife and treat her poorly and I couldn't let it go on.

I was pretty naive when I first came out.  I actually expected my wife would find it a relief to finally understand the "why" behind my feminine desires.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I hadn't at that point made a decision to transition but was just getting ready to start working with a gender therapist to figure out what I really was.

By the time I came to terms with the fact that I am female and need to transition, I was a lot better educated.  If you read any of the guides about coming out, they'll usually tell you that you need to be prepared to lose everything.  Truly this is the case and I knew it.  When I told my wife I was going to start hormones and begin transition, I knew it would likely end our marriage, I knew I could end up losing my job and I knew that family and friends would likely reject and abandon me. Yet I knew if I went another 5 years without doing anything, I'd probably be dead before I made it that far. So I chose transition.

Now, thankfully, so far none of those things have happened.  My job appears so far to be very supportive.  My family has been amazingly supportive.  My wife has struggled immensely yet we're still working to keep our marriage together.  Throughout her struggles she's told me that as much as she'd love for me to tell her that I've changed my mind and this isn't who I am, she could never trust in that and would always be afraid it would resurface.  In that way, yes, once the genie is out of the lamp, there's no putting her back. 

It's a very tough decision to make and each of us has to make it for ourselves.  You have to be very realistic about the potential consequences and be prepared for the worst.  It sounds like you've already decided that this is something you need to do regardless of the potential costs, so you may be there.  But again, you'll have to determine that for yourself and we'll all be here to support you whatever you decide.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Your story sounds so much like mine.  It is heartening to know it is possible it will work out.  I too am at the point to start with a gender therapist!  I am feeling so relieved to know the truth that I am busting a gut - a considerable one at the! HA!  - need to work on it NOW! - to just tell everyone but he fear is overwhelming!  simply put I am not sure if she said no to staying together if I would be able to go back to being just the male me - but I would want to.  Our love is that important to me.  It is the hardest thing I have ever thought about doing!

Love and Hugs, Marcie

[Marcieelizabeth]

All things are impermanent.  Nothing is ever the same, regardless of whether you act or don't.  Once the cat is out of the bag, it won't go back in.  That is not just in reference to telling other people; it also applies to discovering yourself.  You can't un-know what you now know.

I hid the knowledge from myself for six decades.  Once I figured it out, I could not see myself living out the rest of my life having that knowledge but not acting on it.  I could not have survived for long that way.

So, yes, I know how you feel.  It is indeed scary and difficult. 

When I realized that I had to move forward, I did so with a great deal of fear.  I had to gamble my marriage.  Some of the things that attracted me to my wife in the first place - her compassion, her strength of character - suggested that it would be okay, but I didn't know for sure, and the consequence if I was wrong would have been terrible.  But I knew that not moving forward, knowing what I knew, would have been worse.

It took me months, and a good deal of prodding from members here, in particular HappyMoni, to actually come out to my wife (a year ago this week).  We are still happily together.

But I get where you are.  It is a scary place and the outcome is uncertain.  You can move forward because you can't go back.

Oh KathyLauren you hit it right on the head!  That is exactly it!  HappyMoni has been helping me as well.  I cannot tell you how much it means to know that I am not alone in this path.  I can only hope and pray that it works out for me and my wife as well, and out children! 

Love and Hugs,  Marcie