I think i am going backwards... but i may have learned something....

[SailorMars1994]

I have had a really bad day. This first really bad day since April 5th. Idk what triggered it, well i have an idea but i am unsure what to make of it.

The thing is, the past couple of weeks have been hard in my personal life. I still suffer from dysphoria through time to time I have realized. However, my dysphoira is not just in the head, it is in the body.. when i see something male that i do not like my body acts up and i will get twitchy in certain areas of the body. It is extremely annoying.

I had some really good days this week in honesty. Life was going better and better until yestaray in the afternoon. I finally saw someone to get help on my issues in my persoanl life. Things got really intense really fast when we started talking about some time of time regression therpay where i go back in time to certian events that are hard for me. This made me flip out and do self harm right infront on my counsellor. I flipped out. This triggered me because this means i gotta go back a time i was male, and it got repeated in my life that i am only transitioning becasue i was abused.. yes, i got triggered. I only calmed down when  she told me that she is still coinvicned i am really a woman still and we talked it out just a little bit more... when we talked about the doubts i had once faced..

As everyone here know, i was in a really bad patch with self doubt as shame prior to early April. Everyone here saw my posts of how extreme things got where i would be calm one second and then extremely high strung the next.  That was me doubting myself that i was not truly trans/woman. We discovered however, the doubt doesnt seem to be really gender related as much as it is a general thing. I doubt everything. I learned i am afriad to lose the things that mean most to me.. so i end up conceeding it. It was one of the reason i didnt do well in school, or when i have a hobby cant seem to finish it or do more on it and when i am very strong in a position at work i panic and end up not doing such a great job and i get told that i am doing such a great job. As soon as somehting fits me I end up running away from it to a zone where i am familar at... nothing.

So yes, my self doubts and self defeats i learned have pre-dated my transition and working life. They are only very extreme now because it is affecting something i hold dear, my femininity. I really really really dont want to go back to maleness and my biggest fear is that it could happen. Like totaly meltdown fear, not just an incoinvenice. But the thing is, where do i get help... I mean i just merely dabbeled in my childhood yestarday and i am a wreck for the past 25 hours, all because i had to live through the lenses of ''him'' again, the abuse and things didnt seem to bother me as much as having to relive a time as a boy.

I really dont want to slip backwards, i need some sound advice... this isnt fun

[jentay1367]

No easy way to b free, Babe. This is a roller coaster ride. You gut out the bad days and hang on tight to revel in the good ones. All I can tell you is that if you get off the Mone's the Dysphoria will beat you down. When I get down, I occupy myself with other things. Usually, a new day brings a new perspective. If it doesn't, I know that day is coming. Worse thing you can do is wallow in it. Put it out of your mind and think about where you're going, not where you've been. Get dressed...put some makeup on and go shopping. Break the spell! That's all I got Sweetie. You know were all behind you. Someday this will all just be something you did long ago.

[VeronicaLynn]

A lot of the mental adjusting to accepting being trans just takes time. Looking at your past is going backwards, but it doesn't have to mean going back to maleness.

It does help a bit to keep gender out of the equation and see your past as just a child. Yes, as a child that was expected to look and behave as a boy, and yes that is a big part of the problem. If you take gender out of the equation, does looking at your past make you a child again?

[SailorMars1994]

I guess you girls are right. I know i shouldnt isntantly attach my past with maleness, but its hard when the ones you loved and trusted tell yo u that due to childhood abuse you are just running away from manhood. It just plays on my mind like a hamster on a wheel

[jentay1367]

Screw them...they don't have to live in your head. Ask them the age old question, who the hell would choose this?

[SailorMars1994]

Screw them...they don't have to live in your head. Ask them the age old question, who the hell would choose this?

Lol true enough. I am actually very calm at the moment... and with that calmness i feel like myself again.. hope this lasts into tomorrow.. and all rest of my life

[jentay1367]

Snap out  of it!!  

[SailorMars1994]

Snap out of this calm happyish feeling. no thank you xD

[coldHeart]

Think to the future not the past.
Sara

[seth.james]

Your story sounds so much like mine. I've never been told the reason I want to transition is because of the abuse in my past, but I'm always afraid someone will say that. I know the abuse has had an impact in this area, but in this case, I think it made it harder to come to terms with the fact that I was male--the abuse reinforced the fact that I was in a female body, being treated as a female. And some part of me decided I was being punished--I was scared my abuser could see I was really a boy inside and was trying to get rid of the boy, make me a "real girl." I'm trying to reprocess the abuse from a male perspective now, and it's much much harder. I feel absolutely terrified. But it also feels like the right thing to do; I was never really a little girl, but a little boy who happened to look like a girl instead.

My mother actually asked if my being transgender started "before or after the incident" with my abuser. It's insulting that she refers to such an extended, drawn out thing as a single incident, and it's also ridiculous she thinks it works that way.

I've had a lot of problems with self-doubt and shame, as well. It's really common in people who grew up dealing with abuse, the self-doubt especially if people minimize what you've been through or what you're feeling, or if people don't believe you. Shame just seems to come with the territory, too.

I guess I don't have a lot of advice, but I was relieved to see someone had gone through something similar. I hope it helps to know you're not alone in this, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

[SailorMars1994]

I am really sorry you had to go through all that welcome to susans tho!

[HappyMoni]

Hi Ash,
   My gut tells me you have a firm basis as a woman and will proceed happily in life as a woman. You have these ghosts from the past that you may have to confront, and this may involve a long time of therapy to get past the ghosts. I think at first you will need the help of a therapist to start exploring what you must while also firmly holding on to what you know to be who and what you are. Panic is the obvious first thing you will have to fight to get stability to handle the memories. Give yourself permission to take some time to do this.  It won't happen in a month. It seems clear what part of you is worth fighting for so fight for Ashley, don't compromise her for a moment of panic.
Love you Girl,
Moni

[SadieBlake]

Ah hon a tough week, I appreciate. About 9 months ago I had to have a conversation with a work associate to explain to him how triggered I'd been when we'd had a conflict 9 months before that.

No fewer than 6 times I've needed to relate that conversation to various people, to explain my emotional state. I've cried every time, the first was my daughter. The worst was among 2 pretty close friends and 3 people I barely knew.

Trauma happened and there are always going to be things that bring it into the present. Every one of those times makes a new memory and those memories become new triggers. For me the best approach to coping right now seems to be remembering to breathe and to use other bodily techniques to anchor myself to the present.

The things that happened to us are fundamentally in our bodies and affect our minds. This includes being transgender, my $0.02 is that trying to relegate this damage to the mind and solutions in the mind is a losing battle. We must address our bodies.

Being trans is a contact sport.

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you girls! i appreaciate that. Perhaps i was inded triggered in therpay and it filled into to ruin my day yestarday. After a good enough night i am happy to report i am reasonablly back to my normal self again today. It just bothers me, the small things... like moving my neck and feeling beard stubble rub agaisnt skin.. it triggers me, which leads to  sensory-overload in my case or bigger things,like having to talk about my past and for me, i always end up re-living it whenever i open up which oddly enough , the abuse and truamtic extrerice doesnt bother me as mich as reliving the experince through the eyes of a boy. On the other hand, i am having some good moments today already and am optimisitic. Whereas i thought yestarday i was going to be paralyized in a palce i was earlier this year i am back to normal-ish.

This road is tough, and i really thnak each and everyone of you. I do deep down know who i outta be, but i had no idea just how powerful the sub-conious mind is from the things u were taught as a child. I knew it was powerful, just didnt htink that powerful.

[KathyLauren]

Ashley, something that might help you if you get triggered again is to remind yourself how much better you are at bouncing back these days.  Stuff is going to get to you now and then, especially if your therapist is digging into your past.  But you seem to be much more secure in who you are, so setbacks are only temporary.  Knowing who you are is also powerful.

[Michelle_P]

I'd agree with KathyLauren.  Yesterday you were badly triggered, and it reads like you've bounced back this morning.

I always thought you were stronger than you knew.  Your strength is showing again.

What I suspect and hope is that these experiences are in fact strengthening you, letting you process the blast of doubt and fear and move past it more easily.  You remember, turning that Doubt Monster into the Doubt Chihuahua. 

[SailorMars1994]

That is so sweet of you two. Yes, i am getting strogner these days. To be honest, looking back at yestarday didnt even feel real. I woke up in a fowl mood and i litterly didnt feel like myself. It was like something else took over me. After relaxing and a good night rest I am back to myself already. Still, that was a pretty friegething experience. I wont lie, with all that shame and that feeling of ''maleness' i had experinced I felt angery. I felt like i wanted to hurt someone or what not. It was a feeling im not used to but i just marinated in it as i litterly couldnt cognitivley get out, it was like brain fog on everything exept for fixed idea .... I did not like it for a moment


Now i am back, cleaning the house, going out soon for a couple of hours as we have a open house showing and im going to a plant/flower nursery as i like plants. Idk, maybe i could be bi-polar (does run in family) or i was just in a massive state of.. whatever that was, but i dont know what to do next in regards for thepray. Its kinda sad and weird that the past truamams themselves are not the triggering thing, it is the feeling of maleness.

Love you all tho!

[jentay1367]

Snap out of this calm happyish feeling. no thank you xD

L.O.L.   I meant to snap out of the idea that you'd never revisit doubt again. It's a human foible. If you expect it, it will be much easier to deal with.... If you don't, you get to go through the same catharsis again and again.

[SailorMars1994]

Yup. I just had a 180 of a day. I havent even had many doubts at all again today and relaly feeling quite feminine and feeling good. No anxiety, no shame, no guilt, no doubt... Im not going to question it... this is awesome.. lets hope it stays xD

How does this happen this happen, this weekend one extreme to the other