Possibly a long post, and a personal one at that.
As I've posted before on this site, Im very certain at this point I am trans. Since I was pre-pubescent, I always hoped to grow up looking like a girl, and that persisted right through till now, and most likely will for my life. I was facing personal difficulties on top of this, that has made it impossible to have faith in those around me and coming out was put off until I spent my time in University experimenting and exploring my gender. What I have found is something interesting.
I don't have a massive problem with presenting male, I do however, definitely wish I could express my feminine presentation on a significantly more regular basis without fear of being ostricized or having other problems (such as harrassment, being mistaken as a gay male) etc. I have become significantly more aware of gender roles and expectation over the last few years, and feel I know myself a lot better now because of it. In fact, some aspects of my male body I don't mind at all. I dont get dysphoric over my size or frame anymore, because I accept that it is what it is. I'm heavy set and a 5'8, 90kg tank, and it's actually helped me a lot with my passion (Im a competing Judo player on the UK circuit). I'll never be a dainty little thing, and probably wont be a super slim person again unless I stopped all activity.
I've spent a little period of time since speaking to the gender clinic that wont see me for another year trying to go back to presenting male (heck, even grown a goatee to try it) and it's made me realize that the best way to put it is I would prefer to be feminine, with female body to match what I feel I am, but for now I can live as a feminine male. I can deal with my body not being what I want it to be, and had I got a chance to do it all again and pick my birth sex, I'd have chosen to be a girl. That is also fine, I don't think either way is wrong, and I don't think transitioning is inherently wrong, but for me, transitioning will be an absolutely last resort.
A massive help to me, has been the acceptance of someone I know and love very dearly. I dated this girl back in uni on a casual basis (shes in the US Air Force now) but we stay in contact and stay very close. She's been supportive and understanding the whole way, and the fact I know someone can be that, I feel a lot better. I no longer feel the paralyzing fear of rejection when I know someone can accept me openly.
So yeah, it's not perfect, it never will be, but I've found hope in the acceptence of myself and acceptance from others of who I am. There is a lot more to my identity and as a person than being trans, and I can have a functioning life. Whatever tomorrow brings, I know it'll be the right thing for me
