I think my girlfriend might be trans...what do I do?

[eb08151992]

I am a 25yo cis female. With what information I currently have, as far as I know, my 25yo girlfriend is a cis female as well. We have been together for four years, she is my best friend, and I love her with everything I have.

The issue is, I really think she might be trans. See, it took her 20 years to even realize in the slightest that she was attracted to women. She truly never had a clue she was attracted to women until she met me at age 20. I, on the other hand, knew I was attracted to women when I was 7...lol. So, she's not exactly the introspective type. She's more the kind of person who lets things well up inside of her to the point of bursting before she ever realizes there was an issue in the first place.

The reasons I suspect she is trans are these:
*She is naturally very masculine, in the way she moves, talks, and thinks.
*She secretly loves wearing more masculine clothes and absolutely hates wearing anything considered "feminine".
*BUT she constantly tries to make herself to look more feminine because she's knows that's what's expected of her by her family, job, etc.

*She has said these kinds of statements on numerous occasions:
-"Sometimes I just really wish I was a man."
-"I wish I could just cut my breasts off."
-"I really wish I had a penis."
-"I wish I could have big muscles and a beard like a man."
-"I wish there was a place in our town where I could perform as a drag king."
-"When we get married I wish I could wear a really nice suit like a man."
-"When I look in the mirror, I really see myself as more of a man than a woman."
-"I wish the world would see me like a man."
-"I really just feel more like a man on the inside."

She also feels very disconnected from, and embarrassed about, her vagina. She sees it as a part of her body that just doesn't connect with the rest of her. She is often very embarrassed of it and doesn't really let me look at it when we have sex. When I do touch her vagina, she always thinks that I am going to think it is gross or unattractive (but I do not feel that way and have NEVER said such - I think that might be how SHE perceives her own vagina...).

Whenever she has said things like those listed above, I have tried to press her to elaborate a bit, but she always quickly changes the subject.

Here's the thing: If she (he) is trans, THAT'S OKAY! I would completely accept it and help her (him) transition. But obviously the only person who can know if my girlfriend is trans is herself. And as I said, she's not the introspective type. It already took so much for her to realize and publicly identify as gay. Her family was very upset by her being with me and it took them almost three years to come around about that. And they still are a little uneasy about it. And I am 99.9% positive they would NEVER understand transgender identity, and they would most likely withdraw from her. That would break her heart, as she values her relationship with her parents very much. It is because of this that I don't know if she will ever allow herself to go deep enough within herself to come to terms with being trans (if she is).

So, what should I do?! I desperately just want to help her in whatever way I can. I just want her to be happy, and no matter what, I will always stay by her side. I just want to be helpful in any way possible. Do these signs I mentioned sound like she really might be trans? Or am I just overreacting? If she really might be trans, how can I help her? I am just worried about her well-being and want to help her if there is any way I can. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please. Thanks!

[elkie-t]

Why not ask her if she wants to transition into male and that you'll support her?


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[eb08151992]

Why not ask her if she wants to transition into male and that you'll support her?


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Thanks for your response!

I wasn't sure if asking her straight up would be rude. Idk, I mean, my mom always asked me if I was gay or bi and it offended me, because even though I knew I was, I wasn't ready to tell anyone or be outed. So, I didn't know if this would kind of be a similar situation. I didn't know if, like, maybe I should just wait and let her figure it out, or just straight up ask her.

I guess, the next time she says something along those lines, I could just tell her that if she ever did want to transition that she would have my full support. 

[elkie-t]

I think she might be afraid to lose you if she wants to transition or even start in that direction. And letting her know she has her support (or would have if she ever wants to) would be a great message of love


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[Denise]

I agree, ask them (singular use of non specific gender specific pronoun).  You could ask something like "do you every think about your gender?" Cis people don't.  They, cis people, think about other people's gender but not their own.

I also suggest finding a gender therapist.  It may be tricky getting them there, but well worth it.

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[eb08151992]

I think she might be afraid to lose you if she wants to transition or even start in that direction. And letting her know she has her support (or would have if she ever wants to) would be a great message of love


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Indeed! Yes, I will certainly make sure she knows that she has my complete support.

I am just worried about her family. They are ultra conservative and it took them two years to even speak to me because they think I "turned her gay". So, they would not take it well if she was in fact trans. They have just barely come to terms with "the gay thing" and I think the concept of transgender identity would be far too out of their realm of understanding. Not to say they wouldn't be capable of understanding, rather, I don't know if they would be willing to want to try to understand.

I think that is a huge piece of what is holding her back. Like, when it's just the two of us, she tends to wear more masculine clothing, avoids wearing makeup, keeps her hair pulled back and under a hat, etc. But whenever she is going to be around her family, she stresses out super hard about how she looks (putting on lots of makeup, fixing her hair just right, wearing something "girly"). And I know she is doing it just for their sake, because I can tell it's so not her. It feels like she wants to try extra hard to make sure they think she's feminine. Which, to me, tells me that she really doesn't feel that way naturally.

Idk. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I just really want her to be happy within herself, whatever that may mean.

[eb08151992]

I agree, ask them (singular use of non specific gender specific pronoun).  You could ask something like "do you every think about your gender?" Cis people don't.  They, cis people, think about other people's gender but not their own.

I also suggest finding a gender therapist.  It may be tricky getting them there, but well worth it.

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Thank you for your response!

I suppose I should be referring to my partner as "they" here shouldn't I? My apologies, I'm just in such unfamiliar territory. 

Yes, they definitely think about their gender...often. I don't know any openly trans people personally, but I do know that I have never heard any one of my cis loved ones talk about their own gender as much as my partner does.

I would love to encourage them to explore their feelings more. I think a therapist would do them a world of good. Unfortunately, up until this point, they have been extremely reluctant to see a therapist (for any reason). See, I go to a therapist because I deal with Bipolar Disorder, and so I have tried to encourage her to see a therapist as well, because I am of the belief that any and everyone can benefit from it. But she has been very reluctant.

This has always been the biggest challenge in our relationship. Me being very open and self-aware and her being a lot less self-aware and reluctant to explore her feelings. She always seems scared of the idea of therapy and I think it is because she knows it will probably unearth some things she doesn't want to face. 

[lost._.at._.sea]

Instead of bringing up the topic in conversation, which could easily lead to miscommunication or awkwardness, you could just introduce her (him?) to the topic by watching a tv show where one of the characters is ftm. She (he?) may not realize how possible it is to transition and she (he?) may find herself (himself?) identifying with that character. I was fairly non-introspective and seeing other trans people, especially trans men, helped me realize I am also trans and that transitioning is possible.


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[undautri]

You and your partner's situation sounds very difficult. I concur with the others; present them with the idea, say you'd support them if she was, and just let them mull over it. No pressure for her/him to go either way.

Also you seem to worry they'll get upset, maybe at you or themselves. If that happens, just insist on how you'd support them anyway.
  I was very angry when someone suggested I was gay but they were very gentle and firm in their support and some years later I realized they were right and I was indeed a homosexual. I took it a step further than that and was trans, but they were right. I was attracted to women. I never doubted their kindness once, though, or their well-meaning-ness.

[eb08151992]

Instead of bringing up the topic in conversation, which could easily lead to miscommunication or awkwardness, you could just introduce her (him?) to the topic by watching a tv show where one of the characters is ftm. She (he?) may not realize how possible it is to transition and she (he?) may find herself (himself?) identifying with that character. I was fairly non-introspective and seeing other trans people, especially trans men, helped me realize I am also trans and that transitioning is possible.


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Awesome, thanks for the suggestion! You don't happen to know any good movies like that do you? 

[eb08151992]

You and your partner's situation sounds very difficult. I concur with the others; present them with the idea, say you'd support them if she was, and just let them mull over it. No pressure for her/him to go either way.

Also you seem to worry they'll get upset, maybe at you or themselves. If that happens, just insist on how you'd support them anyway.
  I was very angry when someone suggested I was gay but they were very gentle and firm in their support and some years later I realized they were right and I was indeed a homosexual. I took it a step further than that and was trans, but they were right. I was attracted to women. I never doubted their kindness once, though, or their well-meaning-ness.

Yeah, my main fear is that my questioning of it would only make my partner push back against it harder. This is what happened with them being gay. The more people questioned them about it as they were growing up, the harder they railed against it. I am just worried that me asking them about it would make them even more resistant.

But still, I agree that she needs to know she has my support. Thanks for the advice!

[lost._.at._.sea]

Hmmm i actually haven't seen too many movies with good trans representation. Maybe a tv show like Faking It or The Fosters.


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[elkie-t]

 Fosters for sure. And watch whom she emphasized more - Stef (stronger partner in relationship, but not a trans) or that ftm kid that was in a group home with Kellie. Also a good role model for any family


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[Rayna]

Yeah, my main fear is that my questioning of it would only make my partner push back against it harder. This is what happened with them being gay. The more people questioned them about it as they were growing up, the harder they railed against it. I am just worried that me asking them about it would make them even more resistant.

But still, I agree that she needs to know she has my support. Thanks for the advice!

Not to minimize your/their trouble, but if they transition FtM, then you both become straight! Win-win for you and the homophobic inlaws! Oh wait, now there's another problem...

An interim step is to acknowledge the issue with your partner as discussed above, and continue/strengthen their cross dressing and male presentation when away from their birth family.



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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Once you have opened the topic of being transgender, there are a couple of links to look at. the first is our WIKI which describes the various types of transgender feelings. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist explore some of the things your partner might be feeling. If there are any more questions, let us know and we will do our best to answer them.

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[eb08151992]

Thanks, everyone! I am really appreciating your input. It's making me feel a little more at ease. 

[elkie-t]

Just remember, love overcomes every obstacle, anger, irritation or insult. As long as your concern for your partner is genuine and you support her, you're allowed to make her uncomfortable now and then Sometimes a good fight is better than good peace (especially if it ends up with a makeup sex)


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[eb08151992]

Just remember, love overcomes every obstacle, anger, irritation or insult. As long as your concern for your partner is genuine and you support her, you're allowed to make her uncomfortable now and then Sometimes a good fight is better than good peace (especially if it ends up with a makeup sex)


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Heeeey, good point!