I have made an updated version of my list with all the doubts I have been having
EVIDENCE FOR:
Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),
Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,
Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,
Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,
A belief that muscle mass is disgusting,
Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,
A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,
Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,
I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty,
When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,
I hate being called handsome,
I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,
I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,
I liked shaving my legs,
I liked shaving my arm pits,
While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,
When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,
I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,
I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,
I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),
When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,
I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,
Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,
When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,
One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,
Constantly fantasizing about being a girl,
Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,
When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,
If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),
Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",
Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,
When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,
Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,
Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,
I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,
No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,
When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,
I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,
My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,
Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,
My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,
When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her "I dont want to be a boy",
I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,
When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the 'others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the 'others',
In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like ->-bleeped-<-,
Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought "yes there is a reason for that"),
I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,
I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,
In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like "other boys" on a few occasions,
My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,
Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,
I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,
I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),
I always thought my skin was to rough,
I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),
Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,
When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),
When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,
When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,
The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,
I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,
Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,
I have always believed even from a young age that being called manly was an insult
EVIDENCE AGAINST:
I am worried that I might be wrong my greatest fear is if I am wrong and I dont like it for example what if I dont like my new face or something because I dont know what my face will look like and I dont know exactly what I am supposed to look like my greatest fear is that I am scared that If I am wrong I might give myself disphoria,
Once I moved my waist to hip ratio by moving my fat around to look more male and it looked a bit more normal then I began to panic,
This one time someone said I could pass as a girl now if I tried and I felt a little aroused for a second,
Sometimes I look at a certain female body part and obsess over whether I want it or not, even if I had never worried about it before and I usually get over it( I am pretty sure this is OCD because if you overthink anything it starts looking weird so I am pretty sure its just OCD messing with me, in fact I am 99% sure because none of these body parts bothered me in the slightest until I started obsessing over them),
I have always been fascinated by transformation and for a while I thought these feelings were just a fetish, also I thought it might be a fetish because masturbation could temporarily make the feelings go away so I masturbated whenever these feelings came up (i feel extremely worried about this because if its a fetish then I have to back to being a boy and I dont like being a boy, but its probably not because only some of the fantasies I have about being a girl are sexual others just make me feel warm in my chest or make me feel like I belong somewhere, also masterbation dulls other anxieties and desires aswell that have nothing to do with gender, also masterbation doesnt make me want to be a boy it just stops me from caring about anything for a while),
Sometimes I go into a limbo state where I know being a boy doesnt work but I dont know if being a girl is a good idea either but I always go back to wanting to be a girl eventually usually I go back to wanting to be a girl within a few hours this happends when I get overwhelmed with doubt when this happends I start thinking of alternative solutions like androgeny but then I come to then I feel like I want to be a girl again,
Sometimes I think I might be genderfluid because I sometimes think that being a boy sometimes would be ok if I got to be a girl too, I usually think this when I see a male character I idolize on TV but also when I dont feel much body hatred, and I usually think this for a few days until I realise that It would be very hard to pass as a girl If I dont transition also I feel this way when I am not sure as to whether I need a female body or just an androgynous body,
