How are you doing with the decision not to transition?

[Rachel_Christina]

I suffer the same pain but celebrate on year of hrt today. I have much much less dysforia but have very little support. The pending loss of family and resources is a pending cliff to fall over. I am going forward the best I can

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I hit one year tomorrow :3

[Jenniferloveslife]

Yeah!!!

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[N A]

Ultimately, I have decided not to transition due to laziness, costs, inconvenience, and fear.  Looking back, I wish I at least got top surgery done while my mother (my only support) was still alive.  If I were to transition now, I'd still want to do top surgery, and just leave it at that.  I'll be honest, it is hard to see others go through their transition, which is why I am not on as much now, but they worked for it, and I could, too, if I wanted to, but I won't.  Therefore, I only have myself to blame.  It is quite frankly more comfortable for me to keep living in this delusion that I will be okay not transitioning.  I've been doing that for over 20 years....so I can do it for another 20 more....40 more....etc.

I can relate. For the longest time I thought I should not even register because I figured it would be hard for me to see others making progress while me, a known chicken and a crybaby, would not be going anywhere with my life. I was also unsure whether I would fit in, seeing that I'm not even planning to transition. I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Generally I'm happy with my life though, and I refuse to call myself delusional or start blaming myself for my very own decisions. Instead I'm an optimist by nature and usually able to find the silver lining in everything. Yeah it's probably not very nice to be transgender, but it's not like this is some death sentence either. If I wasn't trans I'd surely have some other problems I'd be struggling with. But the grass is always greener etc.

[Lyndsey]

I transitioned a long time ago now and like you have said it can take a big toll on you life. Some family and friends that won't talk to you. Also there is always the person that will he fine but call you by your old name  and pronouns when you are in a public place. The bottom line is what ever you make for a decision it will always be hard. My heart goes out to you and you and only you can make the decision. Myself I'm very happy that I did and I moved away and started my life over and love who I am and all that are around me now. Any family and friends will still come to see you if they are true friends and family


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[Geeker]

I get by. I'm usually depressed to some degree, more melancholy (you know, blah feeling) than depressed really, and because of it I've gained back 15 Lbs (trying to fix an issue with junk food will do that). Other than that everything is great.

[King Malachite]

Big hug! Good to see you again! The whole thing is about finding peace with yourself. I hope you have. 

Hugs, Devlyn

*hugs*  It's great to see you too, Devlyn!!!!!   While I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with this decision, I say I'm more or less content.  I am finding so much fulfillment at my plant job, and I love it!

I can relate. For the longest time I thought I should not even register because I figured it would be hard for me to see others making progress while me, a known chicken and a crybaby, would not be going anywhere with my life. I was also unsure whether I would fit in, seeing that I'm not even planning to transition. I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Generally I'm happy with my life though, and I refuse to call myself delusional or start blaming myself for my very own decisions. Instead I'm an optimist by nature and usually able to find the silver lining in everything. Yeah it's probably not very nice to be transgender, but it's not like this is some death sentence either. If I wasn't trans I'd surely have some other problems I'd be struggling with. But the grass is always greener etc.

That's a good way of looking at it.  I mean, before transition was possible, people feeling this way had to deal with it, and it is nice to have the option if I ever choose to, but for now, I think I will continue to manage like this.

[stephaniec]

I think about backing out all the time , but I keep going all the time , mayby its my age and the amt of time Ive spent being unhappy.

[Ayla]

I am very comfortable with my decision not to fully transition in a physical sense.  In general I seek to own my decisions and I try to make them as soundly as possible. However like many have observed, the situation and factors do change.  FFS didn't accelerate me towards GCS.  Low dose HRT helped with my dysphoria and over 7 or so years my dose is now at transition levels.  Folk sometimes gender me F but in general gender me M and I am pretty OK with either.

Over the 7 years I have 'come out' to most everyone in my life as a non binary genetic male.  Changes continue.  My hair is longer.  I no longer have any facial or body hair and my clothing is clearly andro in design and in color.  At the same time I have changed industry and changed employer finding much greater comfort, acceptance and understanding working with younger, more artistic folk.

There appears to be little doubt that my wife will leave if I proceed to GCS but she has stayed with me throughout the journey... so perhaps she may be flexible.  However this is currently a moot point as, while a full physical transition remains a possibility, I do not consider it as an imperative or indeed as likely in the short term..

Not fully transitioning as a non binary appears to be relatively common, but may not necessarily be the norm.  I guess that the continuing challenge for me is understanding, accepting and expressing my true self and while it continues to exist outside of the binary I will continue to challenge and to confound others that wish to categorise and judge me.  Authenticity appears key to my sanity - fleeing to the other binary doesn't feel like the right solution for me at this point in my life journey,  but as they say there are different strokes for different folks.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Char_59]

I started transitioning about 5 years ago, went through counseling, HRT, Even started some surgical changes.  However things went terribly wrong for me.  Found out I have genetic problem that leads to blood clots.  I had to stop all HRT, and start monitoring blood on regular basis.  It has made it rough, and with all the resistance by all right now I decided to stop transition.  So now I am truly caught between being either or.  No matter the fact that i feel female inside, it is hard to look at me with out seeing someone masculine.  Would love to finish change and be accepted

[Nina]

Funny, when I did decide to transition to full time, I didn't think at the time that I'd be happier. I knew I was crossing a line that I could come back if it didn't work Once I crossed that line, it felt like an incredible weight left my shoulders. I never looked back.

[LizK]

I started transitioning about 5 years ago, went through counseling, HRT, Even started some surgical changes.  However things went terribly wrong for me.  Found out I have genetic problem that leads to blood clots.  I had to stop all HRT, and start monitoring blood on regular basis.  It has made it rough, and with all the resistance by all right now I decided to stop transition.  So now I am truly caught between being either or.  No matter the fact that i feel female inside, it is hard to look at me with out seeing someone masculine.  Would love to finish change and be accepted

Dear Char_59

Welcome to Susan's

That is a tough break having to stop HRT, I hope you are able to get you issues under control so you are able to continue where you left off(assuming that's what you want to do)
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[J2J]

Doing fine at this point, finally decided that it's probably in my best interests to not move forward with anything at this time, probably for my lifetime to be honest.

I have many factors that come into this, main one is my height at 6ft although build certainly isn't a problem it just sticks in my mind.

I also have a bit of social anxiety and would die of embarrassment as soon as someone inevitably shouts a transphobic slur at me etc, using toilets... you know the drill.

Still growing my hair out tho and on Finasteride to stop male pattern baldness so that's something I guess...

In all honestly it f****** sucks and makes me miserable, been going to the gym again but everytime I lose weight I see my figure in the mirror and think hey...... maybe I.... nope nope...

[karenk1959]

Doing fine at this point, finally decided that it's probably in my best interests to not move forward with anything at this time, probably for my lifetime to be honest.

I have many factors that come into this, main one is my height at 6ft although build certainly isn't a problem it just sticks in my mind.

I also have a bit of social anxiety and would die of embarrassment as soon as someone inevitably shouts a transphobic slur at me etc, using toilets... you know the drill.

Still growing my hair out tho and on Finasteride to stop male pattern baldness so that's something I guess...

In all honestly it f****** sucks and makes me miserable, been going to the gym again but everytime I lose weight I see my figure in the mirror and think hey...... maybe I.... nope nope...

Good to know I have company!!!

[Amy85]

For me it is almost a constant struggle to manage the dysphoria. I continually struggle with the decision but always come to the same conclusion, that living the rest of my life with my wife and starting a family is more important to me and my overall happiness than being alone but being able to attempt to transition. It's a very personal choice and I know a lot of people would have chosen differently but it is about my honest appraisal of whoch path leads to greater happiness.

[ColoTex2890]

I haven't decided not to do it EVER, but transition is off the table indefinitely for me. It may become an option in the future or it may become something I just can't not do for me. But right now it is not financially possible, and there really would be no way to do it without losing my marriage, which would also mean loss of my house, possible loss of friends who are like family, and possibly even the loss of some of my own familial relationships. As for how I'm doing with it...well I can't lie it is difficult. There are days I feel nothing but overwhelming sadness, I can tell my negative coping mechanisms getting worse, I already have some issues with mental illness and those are managed well but having them in addition to the dysphoria is not great. I try to focus on what's right and good about my life and remind myself sometimes why I chose the path of non-transition for now. Most of the time I can bring myself back from the abyss but sometimes I just can't help but weep.

[Charlie Nicki]

I haven't decided not to do it EVER, but transition is off the table indefinitely for me. It may become an option in the future or it may become something I just can't not do for me. But right now it is not financially possible, and there really would be no way to do it without losing my marriage, which would also mean loss of my house, possible loss of friends who are like family, and possibly even the loss of some of my own familial relationships. As for how I'm doing with it...well I can't lie it is difficult. There are days I feel nothing but overwhelming sadness, I can tell my negative coping mechanisms getting worse, I already have some issues with mental illness and those are managed well but having them in addition to the dysphoria is not great. I try to focus on what's right and good about my life and remind myself sometimes why I chose the path of non-transition for now. Most of the time I can bring myself back from the abyss but sometimes I just can't help but weep.

Hey Colo, sorry to read what you're going through but look at the bright side, you are still on your safe place. I commented on a thread you started and told you that my boyfriend accepted me and wanted to support me in the process. That has changed and I'm single now... And I feel guilty and questioning everything I did so far. I pretty much came out of the closet to everyone and now am not even sure if I want to continue down this road.

So basically, take your time, it's better than regretting.


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[MandyD]

It has been really tough for me.  I've been GD my whole life and finally got to a point where I had to see a therapist who I've been meet weekly for the past 6 months.   She was really encouraging me to take some transitional steps but due to family and career concerns I am continuing to just try to stuff it down really deep and deal with it.

The only real transitional step I've taken is to have some body hair removed at E3000 - I'll post on this separately...

[ColoTex2890]

Hey Colo, sorry to read what you're going through but look at the bright side, you are still on your safe place. I commented on a thread you started and told you that my boyfriend accepted me and wanted to support me in the process. That has changed and I'm single now... And I feel guilty and questioning everything I did so far. I pretty much came out of the closet to everyone and now am not even sure if I want to continue down this road.

So basically, take your time, it's better than regretting.


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I'm so sorry to hear that. That is almost exactly what happened to me last year the first time I tried to come out. My boyfriend who is now my husband said he'd support me and went back on it merely days later. I eventually took back my coming out and said it was a mistake, blamed it on my bipolar disorder, and though I'm absolutely still in love with him (obviously I married him) I still have the same feelings deep down and honestly I feel like I've dug a hole for myself so big I don't have any idea how to get out of it. In that sense I really have no choice but to take my time. I would suggest you do the same, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed the course and continued with my original plans. I would probably be living openly as myself and wel into transition by now. Stay strong and do what's right for you!

[Charlie Nicki]

In that sense I really have no choice but to take my time. I would suggest you do the same, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed the course and continued with my original plans. I would probably be living openly as myself and wel into transition by now. Stay strong and do what's right for you!

Why do you think you would have stayed in your original plan? You're saying that in hindsight it would have been better for you to suck it up and face the pain and rejection and continue with your original plan? Sacrificing your transition to avoid the pain wasn't worth it?



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[Dianne H]

In my case it's a matter of family, age and finances.

Until I was 50 I just thought I was a pervert. I never used a computer until I taught myself to use one in 2005.

I grew up with no knowledge of transgender or transsexual. There was a famous woman named Christine something but my parents just referred to her a  sicko. Very old school and traditional background.

Now in my late 50's with kids and grandkids and failing health I can't see ruining everything by putting my feelings in front of them when I'm getting ready to kick the bucket in a few anyway.

With the cost versus my income I could afford the meds and operations about 20 years after I'm dead so why start.

Others will feel different and it is not my place to judge. To each their own. For me it is my faith, family, age and finances which have made my decision, in that order.

I guess the bottom line is that I am looking at this as realistically as possible in my case with the variables of interacting factors in my life.