Thanks both of you. Kendra your virtual hug still made me feel better.
Last night things went bad again. I worked late and had a 3 hour drive home. She called me and texted to say she told our kids I was coming to her apartment for the night. She knew I had never said that. After the night before I need some space to keep safe mentally and physically. What I didn't say about the night before is when I dropped the phone I was in such a self loathing state that I realized I was bumping my head with my fist like an autistic person while she made me feel desperate for an end.
So last night she calls again as I get into the drive at the house. She says the kids still think I'm coming and asks me what to do about it. I spoke my mind. I asked her why she thought that this situation she created needed me to fix it. Prior to that I had let out a sigh. How could I not. It was after 9pm, I had just pulled into the driveway, I am sore and covered in dirt and grease. I haven't had anything to eat yet, and she wants me to figure out how to deal with something she did? I was ready to try to drive the hour plus to her place but no way until I had a shower and clean clothes. Anyway hearing the sigh did it. She got mad and said that she would take care of it. I could tell it wasn't over.
So I get a shower and just get some pjs on. Time to tuck the kids in, she calls. Then while I'm on the line she tells the kids that she was wrong and it got too late for me to get there. They are disappointed. So I sing the song I have done for them almost every single night since they were babies and say good nights. Then she called again. This one turned quickly to how I am not wanting to commit to being with her in her place. I told her to stop before it got as bad as the night before did. She didn't and I hung up. She began texting.
So she is back to angry and hateful. She says I should have told her about these feelings from the beginning. How does a person trying to be a man admit these things? When I had convinced myself that I was a guy and that not all guys acted like her expectations. I told her more than once when I was broken down, that she had expectations of a MAN that I could never meet. I mean even as a guy why was I not good enough for her? Why does a guy have to be overtly sexual at all times? Why does a guy have to want sex anywhere anytime? I never had from the beginning. Back then it was something she later said she worked around but why did I have to change to be "good enough of a man"?
So I get her feelings of loss of a man she never even had to begin with. I also understand why she thinks I'm an ->-bleeped-<- now. Before I was overly accommodating. She always felt like I was too busy working for her but when she wanted something she got it. Today her unconscious manipulation get rejected more than not. I speak up for myself when I feel she crosses a line. In the past we would have "talks" which were her complaint sessions sometimes lasting hours. She would let me know what she didn't feel was right, until I was broken down and often in tears. Our whole relationship I was afraid to speak back most of the time. For her the threat of leaving was far too easy to walk to. Now that threat doesn't have its power over me. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I want mental peace far more than love now.
Later today we have to meetup with a lawyer and the regional bankruptcy trustee. We are broke from credit cards. She has decided she will not reaffirm on any of our loans including the home mortgage. What she really wished is that I would walk away from everything too, which would mean my family as well in many ways. This is not going to be a good day.
A whole other subject, I figured out yesterday I have the strength and endurance of a 40 year old woman now. While generally not a bad thing, for my job it is an issue. Sometimes I have to do "heavy" work. Yesterday was one of those days. It required beating a large pin out of a machine suspension. I couldn't do it. 4-5 swings of the sledge hammer and I was exhausted, sweating profusely, and weakened to the point of needing to sit down. I had to go ask for help from the machine operator. So the men took turns driving out stuck pins for me. It's a strange thing when I have been a do it myself girl my whole life. The men seem to treat me differently. They still call me he/him but subconsciously they see the change. One guy put his hand on my shoulder. Then later, with the truck engine running, he happened to come up to where I was looking for a tool in the side of the bed. When he spoke it started me. In the moment of laughing about being startled he put his hand on the small of my back. I pulled away within about a second. Then there was the part time help there that creeped me out! So to preface, I have wide hips which now after loosing all my upper body muscles are harder to hide than before. My shoulders aren't exactly wide either. When I am crouched down and working on something I know my hips and thighs do kind of stand out if you are looking anyway as does my chest now even with two layers. Every time I was working kind of reaching up or bent over I would see this dude right behind me. Like when I moved to another position, he would get behind me. It wasn't like he was just watching me work. When guys do that they don't move every time I do. This is the second time I have experienced this lately. Always been some guy I never met before. I get it, I'm definately not the shape of manliness, but so freaking weird. Do all girls get this feeling from guys?
Well it's early in the morning and I have to get ready to start another day in this crazy life. I not expecting the best today. Esp dialysis after the series of negative texts late through last night. Ehh