Leave it to my mother to totally unravel my self confidence.

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. Since my mom moved out a few months ago I haven't ever gone to her condo to visit her. She started getting really vocal about it. I know I sound like a bad daughter but honestly I hate being around my mom. She can just totally destroy my self confidence in minutes. She always makes me feel like a defective freak and like I'm just a silly little boy playing female dressup. But I did feel bad because I've never been to her new place so last night I went over there. Like a dummy I thought maybe we could have a nice visit.  Yeah, no, didn't happen. 2 minutes after I got there she asked why I always wore flats and told me I needed to start wearing I heels. I told her I didn't wear heels for everyday running around. She said I needed to start because with heels I wouldn't look so short on first glance. She's always ragged on my height. She's tall and so are my dad and brother and she said that she couldn't imagine what happened to me. She said she would actually believe the hospital had switched babies on her but it wasn't like anyone could have switched me with a normal baby. Gee thanks mom.

So then she showed me around her condo and when we came to the second bedroom she said that was supposed to be my room and she reminded me again that she had bought that condo specifically because it had a big second bedroom. Then she said but I didn't want to live with her but that was fine. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start that argument again. But she wasn't letting it drop. She asked me why on earth I wanted to live with my dad. She said he was born with a stick up his ass and that he was a total control freak when it came to me. Yes, my dad does get controlling with me but my mom never had any interest in me when I was a child. When I told her that she said from the time I was born my dad thought I was his alone and acted like I didn't have another parent. I find that very hard to believe.

I told her we didn't need to talk about that and could we please just have a nice visit.  But she wouldn't let it go.  She said she was tired of me acting like my dad was the big hero and she was some monster.  Then she told me if it hadn't been for her, when I came out as trans not only would my dad not have allowed me to transition , that he would have disowned me and thrown me out. She said she had to talk him out of doing it. OMG!  I can't believe she would look me right in the face and LIE like that. I guess she thinks I'm stupid enough to believe that even though I was there. My dad is the one who kind of dragged me out of the closet and he's the one who found my therapist and hrt Dr.  Both parents have to sign the consent forms and my dad had to MAKE her sign it. She totally didn't want to! I told her if she was going to start ragging on my dad I was going to leave.

So then she said my dad wanted me to move out and that I would be doing him a favor moving in with her. That's BS, my dad doesn't want me to move out, in fact he wouldn't let me move out if I tried. I told her to please stop. She doesn't give a crap about me living with her. She just knows if I moved out it would totally upset and hurt my dad, which she would like a lot. So then for a while we did have kind of a nice visit and she showed me some new clothes she bought,etc. Then she asked me if I was still with Tristan. I told her yes I was and she just sighed and shook her head. I asked her what was wrong.  She said nothing, she just didn't want me to get hurt. I asked her what she meant and she said that Tristan was a gorgeous boy and very much out of my league. She said she couldn't figure out what he wanted from me. She said there were beautiful young women all over the place and sooner or later he was going to find one, who is a real female and doesn't have my limitations and that I was going to get badly hurt. She asked me hadn't I ever thought of that before.

Of course I've thought about it! I worry about it all the time! I really didn't need her to throw it in my face. She especially could have left out the "real female" part!  She said she wasn't trying to be mean but that I had to face reality. I face the reality of my situation every day of my miserable life. I don't need someone to remind me about it.
I just left. I held it together until I pulled out but I cried all the way home. Then when I got home my dad didn't even ask why I was crying. He knew I was at my mom's. I told him I would be ok and to let it go but he got furious and called my mom and bitched her out for like 15 minutes which I really didn't want him to do.

I honestly don't know why my mom hates me. She has to hate me to say things like that to me.

[Artesia]

I'm sorry this happened to you Julia.  You're mother might not hate you, but she does seem to want to use you to hurt your father.  My mom has "given" me some "advice" for what to wear.  Sometimes, it's not as pleasant an experience as I would like.  It also sounded like she misses you a little, and she is looking for a way to get you back into her life, while not admitting she was wrong.  She may even see you as the reason for her split with your father.  There are so many possibilities for her actions.  You may want to see if she has sought psychological help.

[Bari Jo]

Sorry Julia, you had to go through that.  My mom also seems to make comments and knows how to tear me down immediately too.  She never makes biting comment about my gender or sexuality, but does about my talent.  As an artist, that bites to my core. I don't visit her often.  I find it painful every time.  I stick with my dad and sister.

Bari Jo

[Viktor_01]

Wow... just wow.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that, no one should have to. I do agree with Artesia, that your mom would appear to use you to hurt your father. I don't think she hates you, but I also don't think she realizes how much she affects you when she says those things.
Sounds like you might need a break from your mom right now.
Take care of yourself!

[Roll]

Family can really suck sometimes. I've been relatively lucky with blood relatives, but my step-mother can sometimes be the same way with her biological children and I've watched the pain it puts my sister(half technically for explanation) and step-brother through. She isn't trying to be mean and certainly loves them, but that doesn't stop her from tearing her children down even if unintentionally

My sister-in-law's mother is extremely toxic as well (worse than how you've described your mother even) and has put her children through untold abuse with this kind of stuff.

What I'm trying to say is, you aren't alone by any stretch of the imagination. Just be the strong person you seem to be, after all you're the one in the family who can wrangle snakes like a pro! And don't let her or yourself for that matter, undermine your relationship with Tristan. From everything you said, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would ever hold any of that against you. I remember you once mentioned that when you came out to him he didn't call you for a week. That week is a really good thing! It means he took time to think over those very sorts of considerations and in the end came to the conclusion he'd accept that to be with you!

[Laurie]

   I too am sorry that you had to endure such a hurtful visit. Unfortunately it does sound like a broken home situation where a child is used for a tool to hurt the other parent. With your dad calling your mom to raise hell with her it looks like it works for her. I don't think it is so much her disapproval of you but more to hurt your dad through you. It's sad as hell and something I never did to my daughter. I never bad mouthed her mom to her nor to anyone else in spite of my ex doing all she could to hurt me.
   Her mom ruined their relationship all by herself. As a result my daughter has ejected her from her and our grand children's life as she has now done with me.

  It's not your fault Julia, not one bit of it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Kendra]

Unless her attitude sincerely changes, you will never again feel guilty for not visiting.

When she states you are not a real female she is not acting as a real parent.  That's her decision and is not your fault.

If Tristan's mother is nice, maybe you can get closer to her and start referring to her as your mom.

[Gertrude]

Sounds like a miserable person that had a f'd up childhood and is in dire need of CBT.


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[Charlie Nicki]

 Omg. Your mom sounds like a bitter female dog (don't know if the other word is allowed). I wouldn't ever bother visiting her if she was always like that, maybe a call here and there just to verify she's still alive.


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[MaryT]

I really feel for you going through that.  Your mother is in the wrong, of course, but she seems to be in pain too.  Of course, I don't know what could be done to ease her pain or to stop her from hurting you.

I do know that life is short, though.  For your own peace of mind, especially later in your life, don't stop loving her, no matter how much she hurts you. 

[Megan.]

Sorry you had to suffer that,  insults from our loved ones are always the most hurtful.
You've proven what a wonderful person you are,  she's lucky to even have you in her life at all. X

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[DawnOday]

Sorry for the lack of understanding on Mom's part. It's time to draw a line in the sand. Tell her it is time to change or not expect you to visit. You regret that it has gotten to that point but you are trying to move forward and she is getting in the way. Explain to her how she has been in control of her life and it is your turn to live yours. It's hard enough living like we do. A little easier than it was for me  but not that much. I am a pretty good judge of people and you seem to be a good kid with more than a few brain cells to rub together. You appear to be able to make sound thoughtful decisions. It is not an easy road we chose. That's if we chose it at all. Or did it choose us? Based on what I have learned thus far at least in my case. the latter. The biggest gift you are able to give is your humor and I have to admit you make me laugh and that's a really good thing. As a last ditch effort, reference all the links and wikis at the top of the page, tell her to study the information and stop being so judgemental. Remind her you love her and don't want to be estranged but you are going to do what's in your best interest. Not being selfish just trying to dial down the prejudice. Good luck sweetie.

[Chloe]

GOOD Lord!! Never told my mom before she died . . . but my dad knew.

My 'ex' lives again with us . . can be very verbally abusive on occasion just roll it off!!

[SadieBlake]

You remind me of my own female parent - and come to it, my sister is probably worse.

This is why I'm not out with them. My mother has actually become educated enough in being PC that I think she might not actually throw the kind of sh"te at me you describe but you see I know the kind of pervasive prejudice she carries around and I don't care to be out with someone who is for instance accepting of my gay cousin to his face but can't for instance help but remark that when he got married, "of course it's a man-man wedding".

So far I have no desire to give her.the choice of actively undermining me or doing so behind my back.

In your case, I'd surely start calling her on the nasty behavior you describe and I'd be making myself avatar. My parent really hasn't been deserving of my company.

[Paige]

Hi Julia,

Here's my wild guess.  Your mother thinks she's the center of the universe and can't figure out why the rest of the world doesn't see this.  In other words she sounds like a narcissist. 

Paige