Hello

[N A]

Hi there,

I'm a long-time lurker, and I was actually quite a frequent visitor here three years ago or so. I never had the nerve to register back then but just reading the stories of others helped me when I was dealing with stuff and figuring out what to do with my life. I've been coming back every now and then and now finally registered.

In short: I'm AFAB, keep thinking myself as a male most of the time (if thinking about being of any gender at all), would in most occasions choose "other" if asked about my sex or gender. What that makes me, I'm not sure. I do not plan on transitioning. I did think about it long and hard a while ago but in the end decided against it, at least for now. I've promised myself I can pursue that, too, anytime I like, should life in this body become unbearable. But right now I've no plan regarding that.

To give a bit more background: I've always known I'm transgender. In hindsight my parents must have known this too and they did good job bringing me up, always encouraged me to be who I am and never made an issue of my gender-non-conforming tendencies. So all was good until I went to school and the world as I had known it ended. Teachers would correct me when I told them I wanted to be a boy, I would get bullied and all that, I soon learned I was definitely not okay. I did my best to fit in, and so off to closet I went. The next ~20 years were a mixture of confusion, disappointment with myself, feelings of being betrayed somehow and constant fear that my parents would find out one day that I was not that normal, lovable kid they thought I was. You know, the usual. I tried to live up the female role assigned to me and failed miserably. I could write a book about all this but  I'll save you from that wall of text - you probably know the story anyway.

But that was then. Eventually I had to admit that I had a problem and start to work towards solution. It took me years to come in terms with myself but it has been worth it. Now I'm nearing my thirties and I'm generally quite content and happy with my life, which I count as a huge win. I've explicitly outed myself to a handful of people, and then there are lots of friends who must have at least some kind of an idea. I'm not out at work though, which is not optimal but I'm not willing to risk it at this point of my career (I do love my job after all). That said, one of my main motivations for registering here was to find a community and maybe some support if needed on bad days.

So yeah. I'm not sure I'll add much value to a conversation on this board but I hope I'm  welcomed to drop by once a while at least 

[Devlyn]

Hi N A, welcome to Susan's Place! I love a good de-lurking event! I thought long and hard and didn't want to transition. Now I'm just about fully there! The main thing is to be yourself. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

PS You already contributed something of value to the site: your experience. We thank you for that. 

[Kendra]

> Teachers would correct me when I told them I wanted to be a boy

When my father was in school, a teacher caught him trying to write with his left hand - so the teacher hit my father's hand with a ruler.  He is 86 now and has mentioned he is unsure if he was supposed to be left handed, but thinks being forced to live in a right-handed world may have contributed to his dyslexia.  I plan to remind him of that when I explain to him I am transgender, a conversation I'll be having pretty soon.

Your teacher is clearly on the wrong side of history.  I think you have a strength you have discovered and are re-discovering. 

My own plan is to sort through and take just the good things from my past, and fit into my future. 

Great to see you here. 

[Michelle_P]

Hi, N A!

Welcome to the site.

Like others, I definitely learned to hide myself at a young age. Back in the late 1950s, yardsticks were broken on me by nuns trying to drive 'it' out, I had my designated bully (beatings every Friday after school), and so on.  I managed to hide until I was 62, when I crashed rather badly.  My path includes transition and surgeries.

I hope you feel welcome here.

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[N A]

Thanks for your kind words!

I thought long and hard and didn't want to transition. Now I'm just about fully there!

Well, congrats then! And yeah, I reckon this is what often happens And it might well be that one day I, too, end up transitioning anyway. Until then, I'm trying to focus on this...

The main thing is to be yourself.

When my father was in school, a teacher caught him trying to write with his left hand - so the teacher hit my father's hand with a ruler.  He is 86 now and has mentioned he is unsure if he was supposed to be left handed, but thinks being forced to live in a right-handed world may have contributed to his dyslexia.  I plan to remind him of that when I explain to him I am transgender, a conversation I'll be having pretty soon. 

Good luck with the conversation! I hope it goes well.

About left-handedness: I think that's actually a fitting description of being a transgender, as it's something that is hard-wired in us. Before I started to be honest with myself, that is, back when I still tried to present as an attractive, confident young woman, there were a few occasions where my friends would suddenly start laughing and then told me how funny I had just looked entering in a room like a man/sitting on a couch like a man/pouring my coffee the way only a man could (the last one must be my favorite... I mean, what does that even mean??). At the time those comments confused me, because while it was strangely pleasant to hear, I hadn't tried to look like that at all. When I much much later started to think about it, I found those occasions had been in situations where I felt relaxed and I guess safe? Or off-guard, so to speak. So I figured I probably just have a tendency to some masculine mannerisms I am not even fully aware of. And I just can't seem to help it. Or something like that...

Like others, I definitely learned to hide myself at a young age. Back in the late 1950s, yardsticks were broken on me by nuns trying to drive 'it' out, I had my designated bully (beatings every Friday after school), and so on.  I managed to hide until I was 62, when I crashed rather badly.  My path includes transition and surgeries.

Ouch. I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through all that. You must be a brave woman to have survived all that! All the best for your future!

[Kendra]

>  like a man/pouring my coffee the way only a man could (the last one must be my favorite... I mean, what does that even mean??)

That one's easy.  Accompany the coffee pour with a well practiced, deeply resonant belch.   

[N A]

That one's easy.  Accompany the coffee pour with a well practiced, deeply resonant belch.   

Hahaha I doubt I did that back then, but that mental image though... thanks for the laughs 

[Dan]

Welcome, NA!

In some ways we are similar. I too had a very accepting family and they never forced me to be anything other than who I presented myself to be: Male ( AFAB). The main reason I didn't transition until now ( 47 years into my life), is because I had no idea that there was this option, plus, had I known, I would have been too scared to go through surgery especially, and without that surgery, there would have been no point in transitioning. Furthermore, I had adapted to presenting as male, which females can do so much more easily than males, because we can dress in male clothing or andorgynous clothes, and we can feel OK with that. That was the case for me, until now.

I have now reached the point that I need to transition because despite male type clothing, nobody ever mistakes me for a male anymore ( aging does that: boobs grow bigger because that's where a lot of the extra fat goes, and face softens even more, even though I'm very slender and carry little extra fat) .  This is now beginning to become an insurmountable problem. I also feel secure in my career and am building up my own consultancy while still in employment. It's time to transition fully now.

So, there is always time to transition. The best time to do that is when you feel ready ( it may be never, it may be in 10 years).

Welcome aboard, and make yourself at home in this most accepting community on this planet.

[N A]

Welcome, NA!

In some ways we are similar. --
Welcome aboard, and make yourself at home in this most accepting community on this planet.

Big thanks for sharing. Indeed, what you wrote up there pretty much captures my feelings about the dilemma of to transition or not to transition. I have been wondering if things get better when I get older (I'm thinking attitudes of the general public on the one hand and the confidence that comes with aging on the other here) or worse. And you know what, gaining weight is one of my main concerns, as superficial as that probably sounds. With the help of genetics and a BMI of ~19 I'm now quite flat-chested especially when wearing sport bras, thank goodness. I also have narrow waist and not much hips, which is something I very much appreciate. So far I haven't been prone to gain weight easily and if my mother is any indication, there's a  chance I never will, but. There's no way of knowing how I will turn out later and I won't stay young forever, I know that much.

And then there's this work life thing. Right now I'm in a good place career-wise and like said, I wouldn't want to risk that because I worked so hard to get where I'm now. I love what I'm doing, feels like new job opportunities keep coming at me and I've lot to look forward to in that front. People I work with on daily basis have not really been a problem either, but my impression has been that corporate world is still pretty conservative environment in some respects and I don't want to push my luck. That and some other reasons still are keeping me from wanting to transition.

I actually did consider pursuing another career path in an environment that would most probably be more accepting of trans folks. That would have been a good option, too, but then again the fact that I chose that career path out of fear first and foremost would probably have nagged at me in the end. If that makes any sense... and then I got offered a job opportunity I had been more or less dreaming of and I took it. Granted, it's more conservative setting but to my surprise it's not been as bad as I thought it might.

I also relate with what you said about being able to dress in male clothes. I do that all the time (save for work and some odd family gathering) now and in my experience people hardly ever notice, let alone judge me for doing so.

Again, thanks for taking the time to respond and thanks for encouraging words. Those are very much appreciated.

[V M]

Hi N A 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M