Sometimes the lemonade you make is still terrible

[cymoril]

I don't post here very often.  But due to something I went thru earlier today, I thought this would be place to write a little bit about it.  First off, I began my transition four years ago at the age of 44 while I spent two and a half years in hospital for a condition called avascular necrosis, which I got as a byproduct of having AIDS since 1995.  As a result of avn, I lost three and a half inches from my right femur.  So now I'm in a wheelchair for the foreseeable future.  It's very difficult being a transwoman in a wheelchair.  I've yet to meet another transwoman or transman in a wheelchair. 
  Another problem for older transwomen like myself is the 'damage' done by having testosterone coursing thru my veins for so long.  Don't get me wrong with makeup I pass pretty well.  But without makeup, I look like a guy still.
  Here's what happened to me today...  Since avn affects my bones (right femur and both humeral bones in my shoulders) I need to exercise.  I thought going to the pool and doing a light workout would benefit me and could help me to start walking again.  But I went to a public pool with no makeup.  When I went into the ladies locker room to change into my bathing suit,  mothers with their daughters were staring at me.  I felt like I didn't belong there.  So, as I've done throughout my life, I sacrificed my feelings and emotional state for those mothers and daughters.  I've been crying ever since.  As I'm poor and on medi-cal, I can't afford the facial feminization surgery that I think would boost my self esteem. 
  I've had a very rough life.  And now I've crawled back into the hole I once thought I had escaped from. 
  Anyway, I needed to get this outta my mind, but I doubt it'll help.  Even here in San Francisco I am ostracized from the trans community for being in a wheelchair.  If anyone knew how lonely it is to be shut out from a community I should be apart of.
  I hope everyone has a wonderful Independence Day.

[natalie.ashlyne]

I am sorry you are going through that I dont know what to say if you want some one to talk to feel free and message me I can try to help if i can

[Harley Quinn]

That's horrible. I'm so sorry. You're part of this community love.

[VeronicaLynn]

That sounds pretty terrible.

Here, and elsewhere online being in a wheelchair doesn't make that much of a difference, does it?

I tend to think within a few decades, people will very rarely leave their houses. Brick and mortar retail is dying, factories have long been closed, what few that are left will be automated, bars and nightclubs aren't even doing well...there will be increasingly less reason to leave the house and it won't much matter if you are in a wheelchair. Or if you are non-passing as a woman, as I am...

[Jennifer RachaelAnn]

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm in a wheel chair too. But mine is due to muscular dystrophy. I can barely walk. If I do, it takes me literally 3-4 times as long as it should. So I have to use either my wheel chair, or mobility scooter to go anywhere. We're looking into getting a day nurse to help me around the house while my wife is at work, because I can't do much without being in excruciating pain. Wheel chairs SUCK.

[Lady Sarah]

I've spent way too much time having to use a wheelchair. It wasn't until just recently that I could find anyone willing to do spine surgery for someone on medicare. I may be walking again, but I'm still keeping my chair. I know I'll need it again, no matter how bad it sucks. I know how poorly people in chairs are treated. I've been yelled at by employees at Walmart for requesting they move their carts, inconveniently placed in aisles. I've been attacked by anther trans woman at the Social Security office when I lived in SanFrancisco, only to have their security officers make me feel like it was my fault.

I feel your pain. You are not alone.

[cymoril]

Thanks for your strength.  I wish I could write a little more, but here in San Francisco it's past my bedtime and just happens to be 4:20am.  So I'm gonna cut this short, get into bed and smoke myself to sleep.  Take care, sweetie.  I hope our paths cross again here.

[Dayta]

Sorry to hear about your situation, but good for you for pushing out and hitting the pool.  No matter what we do to try and fit in, there's always going to be something, someone who's going to have a problem.  So be sure and try to please yourself, as you may be your own toughest critic. 

I tend to think within a few decades, people will very rarely leave their houses. Brick and mortar retail is dying, factories have long been closed, what few that are left will be automated, bars and nightclubs aren't even doing well...there will be increasingly less reason to leave the house and it won't much matter if you are in a wheelchair. Or if you are non-passing as a woman, as I am...

Wow, Veronica, I hadn't put all of that together, but it's a strange path we're all on.  It makes me wonder if we'll eventually be interacting primarily in virtual environments, and able to create our own visions of ourselves.  Funny thing is, that even in virtual fantasy environments, gender and beauty norms tend to be pretty strictly enforced.  We as humans are very good at making ourselves and others miserable.  Probably no time like the present to work on that. 

Erin