Shame

[Asche]

(Apologies in advance if this is a little incoherent, it's really hard to think about.)

I've finally gotten a look at one of the things inside me that make me feel so much of the time that I wish I could be anything but me, that I'd rather be dead than me.

It's shame.

I know a lot of people here express shame at being trans, at wanting to be the other gender from what they were assigned.

In my case, it's the other way around.  I'm ashamed of the sex I was assigned at birth, the sex my body says I am, the sex I was indoctrinated in from birth on, the one I always assumed I was until a few years ago.  My mind equates being male (especially me being male) with being this dreadful, repulsive monster.

I'm ashamed of being male.  And I realize I've felt that all my life.

It's why, when I leap into escapist fantasy to avoid those awful feelings, I'm not actually in my fantasy worlds.  They're places where I don't have to exist, where there's no "I" to lure the dementors of my shame.

I think that's why, even now that I've transitioned, and probably even once I've gotten my SRS, I don't feel like I can call myself a woman.  Even if I undergo millions of surgeries so nobody will see the troll in the dress, I'll still feel like an imposter.  I'll still have that shameful secret and I'll still know Who I Really Am.

I sometimes wonder if I'm really trans, whether what I feel is dysphoria, instead of just this neurotic need to be something, anything, to avoid facing my deepest shame -- that I'm "really" male.

I kind of wish I could believe in a God and could pray to Him to let me die and send me back as a girl.

(Yeah, I know girls get @#$%-ed up to the point of hating being a girl, too.  A guy can always hope, though.)

[JoanneB]

The way I see it, a lot of guys are pretty sick. They have a lot to be ashamed about, yet they are totally oblivious to it. Living the life of a chameleon, I think I've seen and heard it all. But then, something comes along to surprise me. I guess a lot of this shame for me is why I've come to dread hearing "You're not like other guys" from a female love interest. When they learn just exactly how much unlike guys, they eventually bolt.

Maybe my wife is right, women aren't all that innocent either 

[KathyLauren]

I really get the shame of being assigned male at birth, and of trying to live in the male role.  I felt shame over how men are and that I was apparently one of them.  And I felt shame over hiding my true nature.  I felt that a lot.

But I am not sure I understand its continuing after transition.  Mine is gone.  I no longer consider myself part of that gender, and I no longer have anything to hide.  The best thing about transitioning for me is escaping from that burden.

[2.B.Dana]

I can identify with this topic a lot. I hadn't connected it to shame but I guess that's what it is. I always felt I got put on the wrong team in life. So if I "had" to be on their team I would be the nicest one. That didn't turn out too well in the end though.

Putting myself in "manly" situations and careers only put me around more men that I didn't want to be like. Hopefully I can change some of this through transition but it can be scary to.

[Dena]

Unfortunately our past never completely goes away. Two days ago I was in court getting a court order to correct my birth certificate. Because my old one was missing, I had to pull out my draft card and my old social security card under my birth name as proof of who I was. I last used my old name in 1982 and only once had to produce it for a security clearance. The first few years after surgery, I sometimes felt like an imposter but that change overt time to just not thinking about it anymore because there was no reason to think about it.

While you transition, you are dealing with it day in and day out so hardly a day will go by without the topic coming up. Like a painful emotional experience, it will fade over time as you live your new life.

[Dan]

I'm sure that males are not monsters. I have two brothers and a few very close male friends who I cannot see as monsters in any way.  OK, they are not your typical macho males, they are soft, gentle, caring and don't give a fig about cars, fishing or other activities stereotypically associated with malehood. So much of being male or female is social conditioning, and it's not all due to hormones.

Really, there is no need to feel shame about having been born male or to feel shame for males. I feel sorry for quite a few males because they are so entrenched in their socialised behaviours that they are as trapped in their bodies as we are. The difference is that they aren't aware of being trapped, which is fine, it means they are happy with their socialised roles, or they have simply never reflected on their lives. Which reminds me of this Greek saying attributed to Socrates, that " the unexamined life is not worth living" . I agree with that. If we do not examine who we are, who we have been socialised into being, who we want and need to be, then it's not a life worth living, we are mere automatons following rules that have been imposed on us since the day we saw the light of day.

If society weren't as entrenched as it is in this binary divide of the sexes, we would all be free to dress and behave in a manner that more closely matches how we perceive ourselves from day to day. We would have the freedom, to go high heels or suit and tie on any day or hour of the day, and nobody would bat an eyelid. How much more awesome and creative society would we live in? We will never know.

I don't feel shame because I was born female. I feel anger that I was and am still being cast into roles that I have not chosen, and I constantly have to battle that imprisoning stereotyping. It is suffocating, not just for me, for all of our society. We all lose that way. There can be no winners if we are imprisoned the day we are born.

We who are transitioning and breaking free of the chains are pioneers. We are, day by day, person by person, changing how the world sees us, and over time we will be fully included and nobody will care what sex we were assigned at birth. We will only care about the whole person. It will take time, but it will happen for future generations.

Don't feel shame, feel proud that you had the guts to live the life you feel you need to live, and that by doing so you will have given others the courage to do the same.

[Asche]

Really, there is no need to feel shame about having been born male or to feel shame for males. I feel sorry for quite a few males because they are so entrenched in their socialised behaviours that they are as trapped in their bodies as we are.

Rationally, I know that I "shouldn't" feel shame for being born male.  But this isn't anything rational.  It's something I picked up as a very young child, that being male was some sort of failure which I should be ashamed of, the way all of my other failures (and my childhood, as far back as I can remember, was an unbroken string of failures) were somehow my choice and thus moral failures as well.

Sometimes I wonder if my parents saw me as somehow a failure because I wasn't the girl they'd expected and wanted, and I somehow internalized their disappointment.  (They were quite open about the fact that they'd counted on me, as well as two of my brothers, being a girl before were born, and even told me the name they'd picked out, and how they'd had to scramble to pick a boy's name for each of us.  So when my little sister was born, we all knew the name they'd give her.)  But this is all still intellectual stuff for me.  What I know in my gut is that my being born a boy is something to be ashamed of, my Original Sin.

The thing is, it never occurred to me to want to be a girl, or to even imagine the possibility.  When I read stories where a male character turns into a girl or dresses like a girl (cf. Huckleberry Finn), I would just skip over that part as too scary.

Maybe, as shameful as I was, the idea of escaping my shame by being something other than male seemed like too much of a lie, an attempt to avoid my well-deserved opprobrium and punishment.

Don't feel shame, feel proud that you had the guts to live the life you feel you need to live, and that by doing so you will have given others the courage to do the same.

Over my life, I've learned to simply push the painful things down so far in my mind that I'm not even aware they are still there.  You know, the big river in Egypt.  And when I can, I can feel proud and happy about my transition.  But there are times when those feelings lift the lids off their stone burial vaults and come back to haunt me, as horrible and painful as the day I first felt them.

For what it's worth, the male socialization never worked very well with me.  I knew what I was supposed to be, I just couldn't make myself do it, and I got a lot of you-know-what for that, both from other boys and from adults, which my parents thought I deserved for failing at whatever I was supposed to do/be.  I assimilated the absolute minimum to avoid the very worst treatment, avoided other people wherever possible, and acted like I didn't care what people thought of me.  And hunkered down, waiting for the day when I could get away.

[Dan]

Rationally, I know that I "shouldn't" feel shame for being born male.  But this isn't anything rational.  It's something I picked up as a very young child, that being male was some sort of failure which I should be ashamed of, the way all of my other failures (and my childhood, as far back as I can remember, was an unbroken string of failures) were somehow my choice and thus moral failures as well.

Sometimes I wonder if my parents saw me as somehow a failure because I wasn't the girl they'd expected and wanted, and I somehow internalized their disappointment.  ....

This is years of being told a story that is not your story. It will take some time to change this old story channel to a new story channel. It won't happen over night, but I can assure you that given time you will feel less and less guilt, because, as you say, it is not a rational feeling, there is no reason for feeling guilty. As soon as those irrational feelings encroach, override them with a strong NO and a strong positive response, like " I am a strong authentic person. I am who I choose to be. ( punch the air at this point or run around shouting YAY! HOorah!). Make it a very strong emotional statement. Keep doing that, and in no time the nagging guilt will fade. It will fade faster than you imagine. Been there, done that for different feelings .

Maybe, as shameful as I was, the idea of escaping my shame by being something other than male seemed like too much of a lie, an attempt to avoid my well-deserved opprobrium and punishment.

Over my life, I've learned to simply push the painful things down so far in my mind that I'm not even aware they are still there.  You know, the big river in Egypt.  And when I can, I can feel proud and happy about my transition.  But there are times when those feelings lift the lids off their stone burial vaults and come back to haunt me, as horrible and painful as the day I first felt them.

Here is the key: don't bury how you feel in vaults which keep opening up to haunt you. Let them out, embrace them and tell them Nice knowing ya, but you are no longer my dark friends. I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am proud and nobody can take it away from me. Shake their hands, and bid them farewell. They won't leave immediately because they have to get used to the new you, but eventually, if you make it very positively clear to them that they must now move on, they will get the message.  Get ready for a few farewell parties, some guest are just slow so be patient. You are on a winner now. You are in control of your dark guests.

For what it's worth, the male socialization never worked very well with me.  I knew what I was supposed to be, I just couldn't make myself do it. And hunkered down, waiting for the day when I could get away.

Yeah, resisting socialisation never worked well for me, and I'm happy and proud of that. I'm glad I resisted and my innoculation regime against all that crap will begin for me in 26 hours with my first T injection.

You'll break out. Be strong. You are the driver of your future.

[jentay1367]

I've found it much essier to accept myself as a third gender. Not man, not woman but a Transwoman. This allowedme to drop the pretense and constant justification that I was a  woman. I came to find that I felt I was an imposter as a woman, but as a Transwoman, all I had to do was reach whatever attainable goal I could. I set the bar for where I needed to be. As the third gender, I'm not pretending to be anything, not usurping some groups identity. Because the reality is....I am a transwoman and that can't be denied. All I have to do is meet the mark I set to be that person. Because it's a vast spectrum. By internalizing my identity that way, I was able to drop the shame I felt as an imposter. Once I made that mental leap, I was able to maintain my dignity and drop the related despondency because I was no longer at odds with anyone. Some may hate me, some may even laugh,  but they can never argue the reality that I am a transwoman.

[SailorMars1994]

Idk what goes through my mind. Here are the facts over my life and two genders. Hope this helps in some small way...

Male: No fear of change, just kept my head down and felt really upset and empty. I got really angry at the world, my self and quickly other people as time went on. But i never doubted myself because hey i was given ths crappy card, there was no doubt but there was some shame, and a LOT of anger and misery. anger issues , alcohol splurging and self harm even where becoming massive.

Female: Coming to terms with my femininity has opened up doors and light i have never seen before. I love what i am becoming and what estrogen has done for me. Life has bascially a whole new meaning. The catch? i still deal with shame and doubt that i am not a true woman but just some stupid guy... It is something that had been drilled in me my whole life, or since coming out.

So yes i do deal with shame at times, but i know that being a woman is better. I get gitty when i know i can be a woman walking down an isle with my nice dress someday, whereas when i was male the thing that cracked a smile onn my face was knowing i would probably be dead sooner.


It was a take your pick senario, i picked female and i am so happy i did <3

love ya

[SailorMars1994]

jentay, love the new display picture. Looking fine like always girl

[Dan]

I've found it much essier to accept myself as a third gender. Not man, not woman but a Transwoman. ...

Yes, that will work for me too. I'm a transman and I like the freedom that this notion gives me too. Thanks for this, Jentay.

[Daniellekai]

Interesting realization, I've got some level of that "normal" shame of being transgender, but I know that'll go away as I go further down the rabbit hole so to speak, but there's also the shame of having lived in denial for so long.

[Vincent Johnson]

Goodness, I know that feeling. I really do. I feel disgusting for being born female. It's not so much that I'm transgender, and "I wish my mind fits with what my body was." It's more of "I wish my body was what my mind is."

I don't know, I guess the thought of being female really bothers me. I hear "You are a girl," and I automatically think, "Ugh, I'm touchy-feely and feisty all the time, I'm small, weak, and vulnerable." It pains me and sadly, I have had a lot of dysphoria lately. But here's the thing, I don't mind girls, granted they can be scary at times, but I don't mind them. I kind of like getting hugs from girls and I don't mind their tenderness. It's just not what I am though and I also feel shame in living in denial for so long.

[2.B.Dana]

Not sure if you have read the Vitale article on guilt and shame but as most of her work, quite insightful;

http://www.avitale.com/GuiltShame.htm