Really not sure anymore.... why bother

[karenk1959]

Stop fighting yourself and beating yourself up. Embrace yourself for who you are. I acknowledge that in my mind I want to be female, but when I look in the mirror I look male. The way I see it, there are cis-gender women who look very feminine, but others that look so called, "butchy". There are also cis-gender men that are effeminate. There are also people who are considered ugly by cultural norms and people with weight problems. Few people meet that ideal of what a man or woman should look like. You sound like someone who wouldn't judge others. Wouldn't you tell them to love themselves for who they are. Self-judgment is so destructive. Maybe you will never look like a cis-gender woman. So what. You are just like the majority of all of us that just will never look like what we think everyone wants us to look like. It is fine. When you get upset in the mirror by your beard growth, acknowledge the thought and let it pass like you are throwing it into a river. Celebrate who you are. Beauty is skin deep. True beauty lies in our minds and souls. It is not expressed as looking a certain way, but in compassion, love and gratitude. Be grateful for the wonderful qualities you possess and not resentful for what you don't have. You're newfound positive energy will light up your world. Namaste or translated as ~ The light in me bows to the light in you.

[Nora Kayte]

One thing I see for sure in the words you wrote, is that you or at least your subconscious, knows you are female. Hang in there,  it will be worth it when "he" disappears for good.


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[Laurie]

Ash,
   I can tell u what I experienced, but don't assume we have the same situation or resolution, ok? My whip lash of emotions was based on a life long draw toward femininity. Like everyone else it never went away for long. In the age I grew up in, there was no toleration of feminine behavior or thoughts. There was tremendous pressure creating shame and guilt in my young mind. I secretly would love having feminine thoughts until something triggered me and the guilt would flood my brain. I knew nothing really of transgender anything. The feminine would always return and the cycle continued for decades. What caused the switching back and forth? Hormones was a big part, the guilt, the lack of knowledge, all these things played a roll, I think. What finally worked in the end, I really  don't know if it would have worked way back then. I can't say if transitioning when I was 25 would have worked. I do know I am trans now and am content to have transitioned. I never have these thought cycles since I decided, out of desperation, that I had to try something different. What I finally realized at 57 was that everything feminine throughout my life had always been pleasant, comforting to me. What was causing me distress and pain was always the guilt, shame, and denial. This meant that my only chance for happiness had to involve accepting myself as female and rejecting everything in my head telling me that I could be a male, including all the guilt and denial. This was a process for sure. The thing is, I had a lifetime of experience telling me that this was my ONLY path. As I did everything toward transition, I watched like  a hawk to see if the cycles would return. I finally came to know that the intrusion of the male thoughts and negativity could  be stopped. It took a commitment.
   Is this you? I don't know. I do think I have seen some people who have bad things in there life treat the bad things like it is their companion. They say over and over, "I have this awful thing. It will never go away. You say it could  go away? No no, I have this awful thing and it will never go away." They are so sure, they, I my opinion, make it stay. If that is you, I would  suggest that you open your mind  to the thought that, "This bad thing can go. I can kick it's ass. I will get past it." You can, you know. But you have to start believing it.
Moni

  What she said... Dang it I hate when I have to agree with That Woman but when she says something right it's hard not to.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[SailorMars1994]

I know this is a fear thing. I dont know how to overcome it tho.

As i said i love being female, and femininity is the best thing. But for whatever reason, i still have fear over it. I see a beautiful girl in the mirror, and my mind tries to run away from her and thing ''manly''. But whenever i have tried  the ''man brain''  I end up feeling very anxuous, stressed and dysphoirc to the point of physical illness. I cant win. My mind , something in there wants to run with the devil i grew up as. Yet, when i do i am angry, resentful and bitter and just want to kill myself. I love my inner woman, my trueself. Yet my brain still wants to reject her and thing of ''him''.

I do have times, a lot more recently where i can connect to my inner woman.. inside and out.. but as soon as ''he'' lears his ugly head it basically game over. Dysphoira followed by doubt then a mega crash yet denial and shame of who i like being, and when i feel secure can say who i am (Ashley/female)

I looked back in mylife, realzied i was drawn to girly things as a kid but pushed them all away to be that ''boy''. Some place in my mind hasnt gotten rid of that mentality. Fear being my real self, or go along with the anxiety, doubt, shame, guilt and entertain the ''male'' stuff and then feel 10 times worse.

Its like there is part of my brain, myself that just wont ever allow myself to be happy. I dont know why. Prior to last thursday the world was my oyster, ''he'' vanished for a bit. I never felt better or more secure.. then, the dysphoria came back and my mind went loopy. Its like i tried to make all that ''male'' stuff in my life less dysphoric and bothersome and although it has never not bothered me, i can disociate from the disgust and sadnes it brings. I still cant change my feelings about how happy i am as a woman, and keep it that way without something smashing it and making me second guess myself. The dysphoira of the male hasnt gone away at all, its just been more repressed. The euphoira i have as a woman likewise, is always pretty muched being repressed deep in the mind. As i have said however, during the times that it is not repressed and i can enjoy her i feel never better. Its true.. which is why why my mind self-represses these feelings it makes the burn out and dysphoria all that much worse.

The good note it, today is yet another better day. I felt more active and got a lot more done and feel reasonablly content atm ... but i am waiting for that burn out again.. probably tonight where i lose myself to the dark side.

I feel like a lost cause.

[SadieBlake]

I know this is a fear thing. I dont know how to overcome it tho.

You don't need to be the kwizatz haderach or a bene Gesserit witch to learn from their litany.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Prove you are human :-)

[HappyMoni]

Ashley, I know you are frustrated, but I don't think you will beat this thing until you start to believe you can.
Moni

[SailorMars1994]

Ashley, I know you are frustrated, but I don't think you will beat this thing until you start to believe you can.
Moni

Yes Moni. I get it. Again, i am really sorry i posted this thread. Things have been great for a while before last week (minus the 7th and 8th). I just guess i dont know how i can beat it or believe in myself. I start to enjoy life for once then something brings me straight back to a place i dont wanna be mentally. Leading to a rather depressing rant post like this. I dont want to be in this state of mind, or on Susans complaining about my mental stupidity. I want to be where i was not too long ago. At peace.

Again, I love you all and I hope you all know that. I appricate your help and input. I just wish i knew how to help myself.

Love-Ashley

[HappyMoni]

You know Ashley, we are all expert at fixing other people's problem. When it comes to fixing our own issues... well? Maybe we should switch. You fix mine and I fix yours.lol

[SailorMars1994]

Lol xD, diverting away from this post for  a moment that is so true.

I can help just about anyone, who isnt me, with anything that isnt about me. I can talk a friend out of self harm or even suicide, i can give someone good leads for jobs, i can be the perfect pillow someone to just let their emotions out on or even a ''counsellor''.

Yet the one thing I always seem never to have under control is my own mind and fears.

You got that one right, lets exchange <3

[SailorMars1994]

Gotta say. Since getting my new glasses yestarday i am feeling more confident. They are a deep purple and actually make me look more feminine then i already do. That is a huge self esteem booster to say the least. This morning is even better then yestardays. Maybe I am back on the up tik. Still, it is disturbing to have such a great sense of self and feel super content then have dysphoira overwhelm and make you , somehow, second guess everything.

Ah well, going on a girls shopping day sunday with mom and sister in Ottawa. Maybe thats what i will need to feel myself again, buy some new shirts and make up. Just thinking about it is making me feel a sparkle in the heart

Hope you all have a great day. Again, much love-Ashley

[Michelle_P]

Glasses are a funny thing.  They change how we see the world, and they also change how others see us.  New glasses at this point sound like a good idea. 

And shopping therapy, on a girls day out for the family sounds great!

I hope you have a good weekend.  You deserve it.

[Laurie]

I am so glad to hear you are beginning to feel better Ashley. And I think the girls shopping day will help a lot with banishing altogether.

Hug,
   Laurie

[SailorMars1994]

I think you are right Laurie. I been feeling more myself and confident since yestarday morning. Almost as good as prior to last thursdays crash. Even this past crappy week has been an eye opener but in many good ways. Last night, a pretty good night i went to see a family friend and she could not stop tell me how good i look, how nice hair is growing out and how calmer i look compared to when i was saw her in February. So yea, good stuff there.

But yes, a shopping date, movies and Costco trip will probably be the bet thing ever.

Love ya <3

[Michelle_P]

Ashley, it sure sounds like you are recovering faster and becoming more certain in yourself.  It can be hard to see this from your viewpoint but I certainly see it.

You're healing and improving. Many here see it, and your friend certainly does.

Congratulations and virtual hugs!
Michelle



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[SailorMars1994]

Awwww. Yup. That Ottawa trip was much needed indeed . Didnt have enough for Sephora , but i still got back up make-up when this tube goes away. I did however get taco bell > and saw a movie with my Mama and sister. Got some ice cream at Costco and we went to go downtown to see machanical spider and some kinda flame throwing dragon i think, they are all mechanical and where in Ottawa. 1000s of people were in the street and traffic was a mess. In anycase, back home now. It was a great day to get out and have some family time. Feeling myself again for the past couple days so that helps me a lot <3

[Laurie]

YAY!!  Ashley is truely back in town!.

  Glad you had a really good time girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[SailorMars1994]

Oh Laurie.. i dot think she truely went away

[SailorMars1994]

<3