Coming out to spouse , children and family

[leah abigale]

I have a lack of confidence within myself and I have had my burden for 10 years and it's eating me up inside , how do I come out to my loved ones and I only got married to my other half last year but have been with her for ten years ..... my question is how do I come out ?? Please help

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[KathyLauren]

I wish I could tell you an easy answer, but there isn't one.  You just have to do it.

I know it's hard.  It took me months to work up to it.  The conversation, when it happened, went something like this:
Me: There's something I have to tell you, and it is hard to talk about.  I don't know how you'll take it.  (Letting her know that we aren't going to be talking about the weather)
Her: Oh?
Me: I am pretty sure I am transgender.
Her: Why do you think that?
Me: Well, all my life, I have wished I was a woman.
Her: What are you going to do?
Me: I don't know yet.  I know that I don't want to leave you.  (Important to get that in early)
Her: Whatever you do, I will support you.  (Me, to myself:  YAY!!!)

Obviously there are no quarantees that your conversation will go like that.  Before it happened, I had already decided that I would accept any outcome.  The only outcome that was unacceptable would have been to say nothing.  I had rehearsed what I wanted to say many times in my mind.  I had almost started to say it many times, and had chickened out.  When the words finally came out, it was like I was somewhere else, listening to myself speaking.

Good luck!  You can do it.

[LizK]

I have a lack of confidence within myself and I have had my burden for 10 years and it's eating me up inside , how do I come out to my loved ones and I only got married to my other half last year but have been with her for ten years ..... my question is how do I come out ?? Please help

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I am no expert here but what I do know is that there is not much point in getting to wound up about it. I spent nearly a year carefully planning how I would do things and it didn't make a blind bit of difference. How you tell them won't matter as much as what happens after that.

Did your wife know before you were married that you have gender issues?

There seems to be at least 2 sets of reactions...when you come out and everyone is saying how courageous you are and how they will support you etc etc...about 3 days later you may get a slightly less enthusiastic response as they have had time to think about it...many from this point will become your best ally but unfortunately for a few of us they don't. I hope out works out for you

Good luck with however you decide to do it

[leah abigale]

My wife did know that I wore women's clothing and I have been dropping hints to her about my gender issue

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[Raell]

For immediate family, a group email worked for me when I came out as a nonbinary partial transmale.

That way, it's not a personal confrontation; they don't have to react or make up their minds how they feel right away.
You can be casual, edit your message, briefly explain your feelings since childhood and what it means, even include a link or two in case someone wants further information.

In my case, my family said almost nothing, but didn't seem particularly surprised. 

[leah abigale]

For immediate family, a group email worked for me when I came out as a nonbinary partial transmale.

That way, it's not a personal confrontation; they don't have to react or make up their minds how they feel right away.
You can be casual, edit your message, briefly explain your feelings since childhood and what it means, even include a link or two in case someone wants further information.

In my case, my family said almost nothing, but didn't seem particularly surprised.

I have thought of that idea but I was going to write it out in a letter on how I feel and the way I am and when I look in the mirror I see a trapped female who wants out

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[LizK]

My wife did know that I wore women's clothing and I have been dropping hints to her about my gender issue

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That is good at least you haven't got that to deal with...some hide for years and eventually tell there partners and it becomes a huge trust issue.

My partner has ended up being my biggest supporter 

[leah abigale]

That is good at least you haven't got that to deal with...some hide for years and eventually tell there partners and it becomes a huge trust issue.

My partner has ended up being my biggest supporter 

I have thought about the negatives that will come out as I have understood that my wife would feel rejected by the fact I am no longer wanting to be a man and want to be a woman

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[gallux]

Leah, while my wife is still reluctant at times, and doesn't like to touch the subject, she has told me already that she will stay with me to the end. Not sure where that end ends but I will move forward and have a chance to stay with her. So, it is possible to stay married if that is what both of you wish and if you love each other.

In my case, I just spit it out after some bottles of beer. I think it was better this way, even with the impact it had. It is tough, no matter how you tell. If I made up a speech or rehearsal for telling her, I may have chickened out

But one thing you have to do... let it out. The more you hold it within you, the quicker you get depressed and what more... don't let that happen.

And of course - a therapist will help you deal with this moment and give you the tools you need for outing and further proceed with the transition if you want. If not, someone neutral that you can speak and will understand your concerns (of course, if specialized in gender/sexuality, make sure it is).

Good luck and keep us posted!

[leah abigale]

Leah, while my wife is still reluctant at times, and doesn't like to touch the subject, she has told me already that she will stay with me to the end. Not sure where that end ends but I will move forward and have a chance to stay with her. So, it is possible to stay married if that is what both of you wish and if you love each other.

In my case, I just spit it out after some bottles of beer. I think it was better this way, even with the impact it had. It is tough, no matter how you tell. If I made up a speech or rehearsal for telling her, I may have chickened out

But one thing you have to do... let it out. The more you hold it within you, the quicker you get depressed and what more... don't let that happen.

And of course - a therapist will help you deal with this moment and give you the tools you need for outing and further proceed with the transition if you want. If not, someone neutral that you can speak and will understand your concerns (of course, if specialized in gender/sexuality, make sure it is).

Good luck and keep us posted!

I will definitely be keeping you all posted through out my journey, I just  wish I had found this site a lot sooner as you have given me support. ..
Hugs
Leah

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[LizK]

I have thought about the negatives that will come out as I have understood that my wife would feel rejected by the fact I am no longer wanting to be a man and want to be a woman

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You are not rejecting your wife and you need to try and show her that is not the case. You are not rejecting her in any way by transitioning. Ideally you want her to stay and be part of your life?

Show her all the ways you love her...it doesn't have to be big gestures. You are the best judge of what works best for you, you also know what she likes. Play to those strengths, be gentle with her, try and put yourself in her place as difficult as that is and most of all give her time to get used to the idea and see if she can be ok with it.  You can make it work if both parties are able to accommodate each others needs. This is not always able to be achieved and I would say in many cases the relationship ends.

My relationship is still intact and my wife and I are in fact closer now that we have ever been and she really likes this happier version of me in so many ways. It took work and good communication, but was well worth the effort. I hope you can work things out.

[josie76]

I started by just trying to explain all of these feelings I have had inside. After a while she came to the conclusion herself. There was a moment when she blurted out something like, "you're trans!". Honestly I wasn't quite ready to admit that the work applied to me. She just said "oh yeh you are trans".

There is still a roller coaster of changes in our relationship as we progress into my transition. Nothing ever is simple.