Unlearn/De-program Struggle. Need help.

[Alexx86]

Hello,

As somebody who is AMAB, Nonbinary and recently started hormones I have been struggling with something since well before HRT started.

Having been assigned and socialised as male, I am finding it difficult to tone down certain behavioural elements that are usually associated with masculinity.

For the record, I have no intention of "passing" for lack of better words and I will always be visibly Trans, I just am a little conflicted on how to change my behaviours so I don't land myself in a dangerous situation. Assault has always been a fear of mine.X

[Raell]

Wow..in the US, where intolerant Christians often attack feminine males, that could be a problem.

Are you trying to force yourself to take on certain behaviors, or is that how you naturally behave?

For instance, I was born female with male behaviors, but nobody socialized me that way. In fact, nobody could socialize me out of them. I am a non-transitioning nonbinary partial transmale, but US society is far more tolerant of masculine females than the other way around.

[Ayla]

Hello,

As somebody who is AMAB, Nonbinary and recently started hormones I have been struggling with something since well before HRT started.

Having been assigned and socialised as male, I am finding it difficult to tone down certain behavioural elements that are usually associated with masculinity.

For the record, I have no intention of "passing" for lack of better words and I will always be visibly Trans, I just am a little conflicted on how to change my behaviours so I don't land myself in a dangerous situation. Assault has always been a fear of mine.X

You may find that as the hrt starts to take effect that your emotions will change.  The reduction/removal of T took away a lot of my competitiveness and aggression, while the addition of E and then P certainly made me more mellow, relaxed and less likely to take offence.   From time to time I have flipped to pre hrt alpha male mode but this now occurs only rarely.  I know that I have changed and it is commented on by many that know me.   So while ymmv I suspect that your behaviours will change as you give greater weight to, and have more confidence in your real self.

If this doesn't work then a quick behaviour modification exercise may help - either with a coach or coaches who you ask to keep a look out for the 'old' behaviours and give you positive feedback when they see you demonstrate the preferred or new behaviour.  After a while you will adjust and the behaviours that used to come naturally will feel increasingly alien and forced.   Of course another way may be to closely observe those who model the behaviours that you admire and use them as your guide.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Elis]

I've had the same concerns from the opposite side. I'm only just 5"6; so a lot of guys tower over me; plus I have some fem mannerisms and still look like a teenager. As long as you look confident; don't slouch as you're walking for example and don't stare at people unless you're stared at first; people will simply ignore you. If you act anxious that draws the weirdos to you like a moth to a flame.

[elkie-t]

a) be natural. Superficiality attracts undesired attention and reaction. Calm confidence attracts respect.

b) Stick to day light and public places with lots of people. I know, as a non-passing mtf, the least thing you want to have naturally is a crowd, yet seemingly empty street might be not totally empty, and there would be nobody to help. Stick to populated and safe places, if you like to take a walk, do so during the day time and in secure area (either popular park or a mall). Do what girls do.


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[LindseyP]

I am not certain I fully understood your situation.  I took it that you were going in public expressing as female but doing things such as "manspreading" on a train.  It sounded like the HRT was incidental to what you were describing. 

If this is correct, we are talking about things like posture and gesturing.  If you are going to be out in public with a feminine gender expression, I can see why this might be something you are concerned with.  The best advice I can give you is to try a technique called "mirroring".  Pay attention to women around you as well as trans people whose expression you really admire.  If you are in a social situation, pick one aspect such as how a person crosses their legs or holds their hands in their lap.  Mirror that aspect yourself.  Feel it.  Become aware of the other things you do that are gendered and visible.  One at a time.  Try it out.  See where you go.  Don't try to do too much at once.  It'll be second nature in no time.

[Raell]

Every once in a while I make an attempt to act female, to match my bio gender, and found that pretending I'm my ex-husband works perfectly for putting the slink into my step, LOL!

Last year my ex came out as nonbinary female, so I told her how I have always used her as an example when trying to play female. I don't think I could ever pull off the rest of her characteristics, however, such as an impeccable wardrobe, crossing her legs, three meals a day with silverware and candles, ironing her clothes-even underwear!-being fussy about conventional details, being the consummate host, knowing all the social niceties, wanting to attend wedding and social events, etc. when we were married and neither of us aware of our transgender statuses.

[JoanneB]

Having been assigned and socialised as male, I am finding it difficult to tone down certain behavioural elements that are usually associated with masculinity.

To me, this implies not acting like some macho T-fueled ass. Add knowing you are trans since like 4y/o, the Shame & Guilt associated with it, and the greatest fear of all being someone may "Discover" your secrete if you don't be 100% "Male" 100% of the time. No Non-Male slip-ups are allowed. Especially when with guys, you have to out-guy them, one way or another.

Toning that down, for me, was just attempting to learn and learning how to be "Me". Who ever and what ever that is.

[Julia1996]

To me, this implies not acting like some macho T-fueled ass. Add knowing you are trans since like 4y/o, the Shame & Guilt associated with it, and the greatest fear of all being someone may "Discover" your secrete if you don't be 100% "Male" 100% of the time. No Non-Male slip-ups are allowed. Especially when with guys, you have to out-guy them, one way or another.

Toning that down, for me, was just attempting to learn and learning how to be "Me". Who ever and what ever that is.

I SO don't understand that behavior. It's just so silly. I've watched my older brother with his friends.  Like you said they try to out macho each other. Sometimes it's like watching baboons at the zoo. Guys are indeed very strange creatures.
Julia

[JoanneB]

I SO don't understand that behavior. It's just so silly. I've watched my older brother with his friends.  Like you said they try to out macho each other. Sometimes it's like watching baboons at the zoo. Guys are indeed very strange creatures.
Julia

They can't help it, they were "Born that way" 

[Dani]

I SO don't understand that behavior. It's just so silly. I've watched my older brother with his friends.  Like you said they try to out macho each other. Sometimes it's like watching baboons at the zoo. Guys are indeed very strange creatures.
Julia

It is the Testosterone that makes them act like that. I hated that kind of behavior.

But, I do understand where it comes from.

[Elis]

It is the Testosterone that makes them act like that. I hated that kind of behavior.

But, I do understand where it comes from.

Definitely think it's more of a nurture than nature type thing. I don't understand that sort of behaviour myself. My brother and his friends act the same as Julie's; you're not a man unless you can out man each other

[HappyMoni]

This is one nice thing about being older, the extremes of behavior usually calm down. I have found being on HRT a while makes the mental transition happen very naturally.

To me, this implies not acting like some macho T-fueled ass. Add knowing you are trans since like 4y/o, the Shame & Guilt associated with it, and the greatest fear of all being someone may "Discover" your secrete if you don't be 100% "Male" 100% of the time. No Non-Male slip-ups are allowed. Especially when with guys, you have to out-guy them, one way or another.

Toning that down, for me, was just attempting to learn and learning how to be "Me". Who ever and what ever that is.

JoanneB, you could not have described my early life any better if u tried.
Moni