Coming out to my parents: how do I do this?

[Colonel_Panic]

This is happening next week, on Tuesday.

I've got a few things planned out. I'm meeting her after my appointment with the doc to get on HRT, so I should have a confidence boost if everything goes well. I'm also meeting her at a cafe that is walking distance from my house (I don't drive), so no uncomfortable drive home if everything goes kaboom.

As for what I can say, I have a few ideas but there's like a 70% chance she won't let me talk or will talk over the top of me. She won't recognise that she does this -- I call it bulldozing -- so going into anything with her with an idea of what I want to say is not guaranteed to work. In the past, I've tried writing letters to her but she gets the ->-bleeped-<-s with that. I'm a writer, not a speaker; sometimes the only way I have of getting all of my thoughts out is to write a letter, but it's not often that she actually reads it. Especially if it's emotionally charged.

I was going to tell her while she was in Brisbane with my dad. It would have given them a few days to talk about it on the way up but she caught wind that I wanted to tell her something important and started ignoring me.

Any ideas on how to do this? Suggestions? Anything?

[elkie-t]

Keep it short and to the point. 'Mom, I want to be a girl. For real. ... {let her run through whatever she wants to say} ... I'll do it with or without your help, but I need your help because you're my parents and you can help me a lot.
...

If she still listens to you, tell her about HRT, or blockers or whatever. If she is not - start planning your independent life without her - find work, look for 'planned parenthood' clinic to start your HRT without parents consent, look what it takes to become emancipated earlier, and what help from social services you can get.... you'll need to shake your moneymaker much more girl to make it without your parents consent and help, but if you start being adult and independent, you'll be taken seriously.


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[Colonel_Panic]

Oh I'm not so worried about consent. I'm 30 haha. But thanks, I think you have a point about making it short and sweet.

[elkie-t]

Then you probably change tune to 'I am changing my sex to female and had started taking female hormones already, thank you for understanding and support.

I do suggest starting HRT before you tell it to your parents, otherwise they might take it as if you need their blessing. Easier to get forgiveness than permission, you know.

[Colonel_Panic]

That's a good point too

[Elis]

I think an email is best then you can get your thoughts in order.  Including how you felt in the past about your assigned gender, how I feel now and plans for the future. Then include some helpful links. And if your mum still doesn't listen realise you deserve better, it's your life and your parents don't own you.

[Charlie Nicki]

I agree with keeping it short and to the point. That was the advice my therapist gave me and what I did with both my parents, I actually came out to my father yesterday and it went good.

I do have to say I had a strategy before telling them face to face: I first came out to my brother, who I knew would be 100% supportive, and then told him to tell my mom as gossip, as if I didn't know he was going to tell her. Then I waited 2 weeks to finally speak to my mom face to face (this amount of time wasn't planned I just couldn't bring myself to do it) but it was the best I could've done, by then she had had enough time to digest the news and she was more open about it. I also told my brother to send her some transgender related info, PDf files etc that I found online that could help her understand better. Then last weekend my mom was like "oh by the way, your dad already knows, I told him. Please talk to him". So I finally did last night and also had already had time to digest it.

What wording did I use? I went to straight to the point: "Dad I've been going to therapy the past few months cuz I'm transgender, which means I'm going to change my gender. I want to be a woman" (this words might not be technically right but the point is to say it in a way that they'll understand). Short and easy to understand. I also offered them both the chance to go to a therapy session with me, my mom went already.


If you don't have any siblings or anyone to do for you what my brother did for me, you could try an e-mail or text message to give your parents a heads up. Also keep it short, and tell them you'll talk about it once you'll see each other on Tuesday.

Keep in mind that even though this is not new for you, it is super new to them so they will likely have lots of questions and you might even feel like their judging you or not understanding you. That's OK, be patient and explain things calmly. It's also important to make them understand that this has been in your mind for a while, that is not like you just woke up one day and said "hey I wanna have boobs".

Tell us how it goes!

[Raell]

I agree with Elis.

I came out to my immediate family as a nonbinary partial transmale with a brief group email.

That way I didn't have to confront anyone or give them a chance to attack me or argue. I had time to edit the email to include just what I wanted to say, give a brief history of how I've felt during my life, explain what it means, and one can leave links to get more information, if needed.

If it's anecdotal, brief, casual, it's more likely to be read, and people have time to get used to the idea before they see you again.

My family didn't react at all, and didn't seem surprised.

[KageNiko]

I'm in a similar situation as you.  I'm taking leave tomorrow and for the next 7 days to visit family back home.  I plan on dropping the bomb some time during this week.  I'll share my plan with you in hopes that it might help in some way.

I plan on sitting down with my mom as the primary focus, as she can be a pretty stubborn person.  My dad has always supported everything I've ever wanted to do in my life, and while he's getting pretty old and I'm not sure how he's going to react, I don't think it will be negative.  And if it is negative, I don't really care - it's my mother's opinion that matters most to me.

I'm going to talk to her about my childhood, and kind of highlight a few (not too many) experiences in the past to point towards where I'm going with it.  Then I'm going to come out and tell her about my current plan to transition, and finally I'm going to ask her if she would be willing to help me along the journey.  I would love to have her join me when I get any surgeries in the future, if she'd be willing.

[Colonel_Panic]

Thanks, guys! Looks like this is happening tomorrow because some crises have forced me to move my plans for leaving Mackay to next month. I'll tell my parents but I think I'll instruct them not to tell my siblings until I'm out of town.

I think I'm ready to do this.

[kat69]

There's been lots of good advice.  The only thing I did was preparing multiple delivery methods.  When I,came out to my wife and then to my parents I tried telling them verbally but I had my speech/letter handy.  With my,wife I,ended up pretty much reading it and my parent I ended up handing it to them. 

I,had the courage, but not the words to do it the way I planned.  Maybe this could help.  You got this!

[Lady Sarah]

I don't know your mom, or how she reacts to things. My mother is transphobic and homophobic to a great degree, and there were complications you probably never had to fret about.
The state took custody of me at the age of three months when my father tried to kill me, and I was adopted out. At the age of 36, I decided to find the parents I never knew. My father was already dead, but my mom was (and still is) alive. I wrote a letter of introduction for the adoption agency to send her before she would decide if she even wanted contact.
I mentioned why I had become a woman, with details. I mentioned that I could only accept being called Sarah, and only female pronouns were acceptable. I had also mentioned that if she could not live with it, I would understand, and she would never hear from me again.
A week later, I got a phone call, and she was just excited to have her daughter back in her life. To this day, we are still like best friends.
My mom is the type that readily yells out "fa**ot" every time she sees two guys holding hands, and hates lesbians with the same venom.
I do hope you can convince your mother to openly accept you as a woman.

[Colonel_Panic]

I don't know your mom, or how she reacts to things. My mother is transphobic and homophobic to a great degree, and there were complications you probably never had to fret about.
The state took custody of me at the age of three months when my father tried to kill me, and I was adopted out. At the age of 36, I decided to find the parents I never knew. My father was already dead, but my mom was (and still is) alive. I wrote a letter of introduction for the adoption agency to send her before she would decide if she even wanted contact.
I mentioned why I had become a woman, with details. I mentioned that I could only accept being called Sarah, and only female pronouns were acceptable. I had also mentioned that if she could not live with it, I would understand, and she would never hear from me again.
A week later, I got a phone call, and she was just excited to have her daughter back in her life. To this day, we are still like best friends.
My mom is the type that readily yells out "fa**ot" every time she sees two guys holding hands, and hates lesbians with the same venom.
I do hope you can convince your mother to openly accept you as a woman.

Well... that went better than I was expecting!

[Charlie Nicki]

I plan on sitting down with my mom as the primary focus, as she can be a pretty stubborn person.  My dad has always supported everything I've ever wanted to do in my life, and while he's getting pretty old and I'm not sure how he's going to react, I don't think it will be negative.  And if it is negative, I don't really care - it's my mother's opinion that matters most to me.

Have you thought about doing it the other way around? Start with your father since it's more likely he'll be supportive and then to the bigger challenge? That way you can feel more confident about the delivery and maybe he can even help you.

[Colleen_definitely]

Have you thought about doing it the other way around? Start with your father since it's more likely he'll be supportive and then to the bigger challenge? That way you can feel more confident about the delivery and maybe he can even help you.

I like this idea.  Teamwork would definitely make it harder for mom to do the bulldozer routine.

[KageNiko]

Have you thought about doing it the other way around? Start with your father since it's more likely he'll be supportive and then to the bigger challenge? That way you can feel more confident about the delivery and maybe he can even help you.

I could see that as a possibility. I am staying at my brothers house right now and I've been considering just telling them all at once when my parents come visit, but your divide and conquer strategy is appealing...

[Colonel_Panic]

Sorry, I've been meaning to update this for a few days but the whole thing really took it out of me. It's still happening, too.

Basically, I came out to them over the phone. The next day I had a face-to-face with them where they basically danced around the trans stuff and attacked me for wanting to move out of my town (as if I could transition here). It's still unfolding.

I wrote a blog post about it if anyone's interested.

[elkie-t]

Hi honey, I've read your post and if you're determined to go, stop being a child, forget about that saving account with $350 and consider it as your investment into your return ticket if you ever need it (or payment for past housing if you never do).

It is also in your best interest to let your parents to know, you're still alive even if you don't want to communicate with them.

And prepare yourself mentally to the coming hardships. I know you can do it, if you're truly determined. Yet, I feel you don't have sufficient finances to start a new life in another city (and $350 is not swaying it one way or another).

Good luck though. Safety net is often underrated, and freedom is often undervalued. But be ready, life on your own ain't easy, and you know that


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[Colonel_Panic]

My cousin has hooked me up with some services that I can draw on. I'm not too worried about the finances because I'm staying somewhere furnished and I'm going to have time to save up for everything else

[elkie-t]

As I said, don't be petty about such a minor thing as money. Forgive all your creditors the debts you made


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