Tired of fighting.

[Cheaney]

I know it sounds crazy(and maybe I am) but I feel like I have 2 people inside of me and obviously only 1 can be front and center. I can't live like this. Constantly having it on my mind whether I'm ready to transition or I'm stupid for even entertaining the thought. It's neverending. Just couldn't take it anymore today and had a mental breakdown/shutdown. Couldn't think anymore and didn't want to. Just tired of fighting all of it. At this point, I don't care whether I'm a girl or a guy. I just want to feel better. Just want it to go away. I do actually have a GT session on Friday so I'm praying that some of this will get settled down after talking with her.

Anybody going through this or gone through this? Any advice?

[jules968]

Everyday.  It has been a constant struggle for many years as well.  The fact that I even struggle tells me that I need to do something about it.  I've finally decided to move to the next step and start HRT.   

I've lived successfully as a man for too long and I've never been quite as happy as I should be.  I've always been afraid to the point of making decisions whether to stay or change my path.  It has been like hanging on a tight rope and being too scared to move either way.  But each feminine act I've made has only helped me see the path, that I need to take.

With that said, gender is not a black and white spectrum, but millions of shades in between.  I do not expect to totally give up all of my male characteristics.  I shall imbrace both sides of me and will not be afraid, of not being the woman I want to be.

[Colonel_Panic]

Everyday.  It has been a constant struggle for many years as well.  The fact that I even struggle tells me that I need to do something about it.  I've finally decided to move to the next step and start HRT.   

I've lived successfully as a man for too long and I've never been quite as happy as I should be.  I've always been afraid to the point of making decisions whether to stay or change my path.  It has been like hanging on a tight rope and being too scared to move either way.  But each feminine act I've made has only helped me see the path, that I need to take.

With that said, gender is not a black and white spectrum, but millions of shades in between.  I do not expect to totally give up all of my male characteristics.  I shall imbrace both sides of me and will not be afraid, of not being the woman I want to be.

All of this. I've lived my whole life as a man, but I really don't like the way I've turned out. I feel like I'm looking at a stranger in the mirror, so I've decided to go ahead with the transition. I think I'll be happier, and maybe if I like the person I become, I won't feel so conflicted.

[Dan]

I've never really had to fight my male shadow because I was damned good at denying his existence, and of course I never tried to find out if there was something I could do about that man inside. I just buried myself in 'manly' pursuits such as becoming tech geek ( one of the few females in this field).  In some ways taking that path made it easier for me to express my male side and so there was not much of a fight going on. Plus, I looked boyish for a long time.

But as I got older, I no longer look that boyish and I constantly get called 'lady'. UGH! I was beginning to see that woman in the mirror, and I started to seriously dislike her. Luckily  I found out that I could do something about it all, and my journey has begun. No more fighting. Just a serene knowledge that I can finally be the person I always knew myself to be.

A GT will definitely help with sorting things out with you. It's really not possible to live happily with this unresolved issue shadowing your every step, as you are well aware.

[MissKairi]

I know it sounds crazy(and maybe I am) but I feel like I have 2 people inside of me and obviously only 1 can be front and center. I can't live like this. Constantly having it on my mind whether I'm ready to transition or I'm stupid for even entertaining the thought. It's neverending. Just couldn't take it anymore today and had a mental breakdown/shutdown. Couldn't think anymore and didn't want to. Just tired of fighting all of it. At this point, I don't care whether I'm a girl or a guy. I just want to feel better. Just want it to go away. I do actually have a GT session on Friday so I'm praying that some of this will get settled down after talking with her.

Anybody going through this or gone through this? Any advice?

Vicki, you and I could be twins on this!
I don't care if I am male or female one iota.
That voice in your head going crazy, constant question "am I, am I not?" is awful!
I'm only very slightly ahead of you so let me tell you how I feel just six days after starting hormones MtF

I feel great! Honestly!
That stupid woman inside me has stopped nagging and that stupid man inside me has stopped insisting too.
I don't feel male or female one bit I just feel...calm and right.

Now here's the thing I love.
I never questioned until a few years ago and you know how often I thought about gender then? I didn't.
Now I am back on the sanity track, how important is gender to you?
Do you HAVE to be male or HAVE to be female?

Can't you just be you with a body?
These hormones WILL make me grow breasts and change my body shape to that of a female.
Big deal. I'm happy in my mind.

I can live happily perceived as a female or as a male or maybe I will just say screw it and dress how I want, when I want.

The mind is where it is at and if you know you are female, dress female, if you know you are male, dress male.

Your life should not be dictated by silly things like "only girls wear dresses" or "only a guy wears a tie"
It's hard I know, peer pressure is a horrible thing, but we have to rise above it to be our true self.

We can be happy!

Come on Vicki! Let's do this!

[Randy1980]

This is the story of my life it's a constant battle in my head I tried to fight it but it was making it worse untill depression set in what you described are the same things going on in my head it's crazy though Sunday it finally clicked in my head I said screw it I can't live this way anymore I made the decision to just do it once I made that decision.. a huge feeling of peace and happiness fell over me and I haven't even really started anything yet I made Monday my first official day of transition started eating right exercising practicing my voice I have an appointment with my gt today and I will be discussing starting hrt with her so if she doesn't require me to jump through a ton of hoops I hope to be starting hrt in the next month or to am I still scared as hell yes I have a tough road ahead of me but I'm not going to let my male side talk me out of it again because I know it will just be a viscious cycle over and over.. even now my male side is telling me you don't need to transition you haven't been depressed in days you can fight this I'm not falling for it this time I'm going to keep moving forward and take my transition slow get on hormones and I will come out when I feel I'm ready if I'm not ready in a year I will just hide the changes untill I am ready but at least I'm making progress to becoming my true self at least I stopped the testosterone and have started feminizing physically and mentally

[Cheaney]

Thanks everybody for the experiences and encouraging words!

I'm so glad that I can vent here and find people going through the same things. Hopefully I can get this figured out soon and won't have as many days/nights like this anymore.