A question for people who have kids.

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. My dad is really getting on my nerves. My best friend got stopped for speeding and she had some xanex that wasn't hers and got arrested for it. I was like really hoping my dad wouldn't find out about it but he's a cop so of course he did. So now he told me he doesn't want me in her car or want her in mine. So now we have to take separate cars the the same places which I think is totally inconvenient.  He said it doesn't matter whose car we are in, that if she is caught with drugs we would both get arrested and that he doesn't need to tell me what would happen if I did. (They would put me in the male section of the jail with a bunch of guys)  She doesn't do drugs. She said someone gave her like 5 xanex. But as far as my dad is concerned she is not trustworthy now and he doesn't really even want me hanging with her at all. I think he's totally overreacting. I think he's too controlling.  I thought maybe he would get over some of it when I turned 18 but no such luck. I have to be home no later than midnight when I do go out. I think that's totally silly for a 19 year old but he says I'm not old enough to go to bars or clubs so there's nothing I need to be out doing after midnight. And when I go to a party he gives me a breatholizer when I get home. I'm not even joking. He used to do that to my brother too before he turned 21. He has also given us both home drug tests. I really complained about that. But his answer was if I wasn't using drugs it shouldn't be a problem to do the test for him. For the record I've never used any drugs. He doesn't do it any more but he used to go through my phone and if he found a name he didn't know he'd ask a million questions about them.  I think he's being too much of a cop at home and that he's totally going overboard. He says sorry I feel that way but that he's being a careful parent.

My question for all of you is do you agree with me or do you agree with him?  It doesn't matter because my dad isn't going to change if I agree with him or not. I'm just curious what you guys think. I also will add that even though my dad is totally too strict he has never hit or spanked me or my brother.
Julia

[jill610]

I'm a parent and my response would be, if you don't like the rules then you are 19 and capable of getting your own job and apartment. I think he's being a bit over the top, but his house...

[Tessa James]

Hey Julia,

Im as old as dirt and have a great grandkid near your age.  Any parent has big responsibilities and part of that is helping their children become independent adults.  Caring for our kids as babies we all want them to be safe, secure and develop trust.  As teenagers and young adults it really is time for you to have experience making life choices and dealing with the consequences.  You do that already, no doubt, but does your Dad respect that?

Do you feel prepared for independence and an adult life with good options regarding a career, home and relationships?  Your Dad may be controlling but can you still exhibit self control and decision making that keeps you comfortable at home and earns his respect?  Are you in or planning college and how do you feel about moving out?

You do have options, yes?   And it is good to hear that he is not in to corporal punishment, especially at your age

[Julia1996]

Hey Julia,

Im as old as dirt and have a great grandkid near your age.  Any parent has big responsibilities and part of that is helping their children become independent adults.  Caring for our kids as babies we all want them to be safe, secure and develop trust.  As teenagers and young adults it really is time for you to have experience making life choices and dealing with the consequences.  You do that already, no doubt, but does your Dad respect that?

Do you feel prepared for independence and an adult life with good options regarding a career, home and relationships?  Your Dad may be controlling but can you still exhibit self control and decision making that keeps you comfortable at home and earns his respect?  Are you in or planning college and how do you feel about moving out?

You do have options, yes?   And it is good to hear that he is not in to corporal punishment, especialely at your age

I'm starting college in the fall so moving out really isn't an option anytime soon. I'm working and I make enough to move out with a roommate but my dad wouldn't let me. He's paying for collage and my SRS so it's pretty much like I have to do what he says while I live here.  I just wanted some opinions if he's maybe a little too over the top or if it's just me being resentful.

[elkie-t]

Tough luck to have a cop for a dad, but you're lucky that he's supporting your transition. And he has a point to be extra careful not to be arrested, even for small things that would go easy on cis-teenagers


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[Tessa James]

Thank you Julia, and it is so good to hear that you're going to continue your education in college.  Smart woman!  So that does make for a dance or detente with Dad for the longer term something to work out with him.

He sure does sound controlling but recognizing that characteristic just suggests to me that you need to work together to negotiate greater freedoms based on trust.

I wonder if he might understand your need to develop greater self reliance and decision making is inhibited by this level of control?  It might also suggests a lack of trust on his part perhaps?  I hope he would see you have learned from him and are capable of sound decision making and self control.  I would resent that control too but I left home at 16 and don't recommend that either.  Sounds like you have plenty of good reasons like your education and surgery to work it out with him.  You might ask him if you need a hostage negotiator to facilitate the discussion;D

[Dani]

I was no longer living with any family member since I was 14. Nobody want to have anything to do with me.

Be thankful your father is supporting you and really, he is looking out for your best interests. Police work on a daily basis with drug and alcohol impaired people. They see what happens to very innocent people who get involved in illegal drug sales.

I think your father is right.

Also, if anyone living in his home gets arrested, it will adversely affect his employment.

[HappyMoni]

Julia,
   I am a parent of two grown boys. I tended to be pretty protective of them. As a parent who loves their kid(s) you know it only takes one event, one split second, for your child to experience something that will hurt them badly, maybe even kill  them. Your Dad being a cop, well, he has seen a lot of the potential bad things that can happen. He is probably doing his best to keep you safe. Soon enough he will lose that control.  You will gain the control. It sounds like he is doing it out of love. I would keep talking to him. I hope you don't resent him. My kids didn't like some of my rules, but later they understood why we had them and it gave them a good chance to tease us.  At one point I suspected my son might be into something and I spoke to my doctor about it. He said, his child became an addict. He advised that if I thought there was a problem, don't ignore it. He wished he had taken more action. Being a parent who loves your kid is tough. i don't know if u being trans makes a difference, but it is a harsh world out there for many trans folks.
Moni

[Wanda Jane]

I have kids your age. I was a crappy parent and it shows. They are both in therapy. I was a practicing alcoholic during all of their lives until about 2 years ago. I also know first hand the horrors of drug and alcohol abuse, having lived it. I was also a paramedic for almost 20 years so I know exactly what your dad sees every day. It isn't pretty. We see the dark side of alcohol and drug use. We see the worst of humanity in all it's glory. Yeah, the breathalyzer and UA's may be a bit over the top, but it does show he loves you. I just ignored mine. He also seems to support your change as well as PAYING FOR IT. Our community has a 25% alcoholism rate and we do tend to have unique challenges that he is looking out for ya for. From my point of view you seem to be a pretty lucky, loved young lady!

[Dena]

I am 65 years old and as an adult, I have had to stay with my mother from time to time in her house. There are still house rules that I need to obey when I do. I admit at my age, my mother trusts my judgement and the rules are common sense however the rules do exist.

You have to understand that if one of your fathers children is arrested for drug issues while under his roof, his job will become much more complex. Your house could be searched if it was suspect that you have drugs in your possession and I am sure your father wouldn't be happy about this. The best advice is to keep a clean record and build trust with your father. Do what he says and never give him reason to  doubt your word.

[Gertrude]

First you say the drugs weren't hers, then someone gave her 5 Xanax, but she doesn't do drugs. If she doesn't do drugs, why accept them? Your friend took that risk and now is paying the consequences. Your father is concerned about your friends lack of judgement and how it could impact you. He has your best interests at heart. Instead of reacting, take a step back and ask yourself what the lessons are vis a vis your friend. Your dad is right in his concerns and he has his points. On the other hand, if you think you know better, have at it.


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[ainsley]

I have two boys, 22 & 20, and one girl, 18.  As long as they live in my house, are in college that I provide, use my cars, or cars that I pay insurance on, etc., they have to pay attention to some of my (my wife and I) rules.  For me, it is not so much to protect them, but more to protect me.  If they were to be out late, have an incident ...like get arrested, an accident, car break down, etc....it all of a sudden becomes MY problem.  I would have to bail them out, or get up at 2am and take my truck to tow their car home, go to the hospital, yada yada yada.  It is for MY piece of mind and restful sleep that I wanted them in the house before midnight. 

My kids all abide.  One has finished college now, and has been out of the house for a year.  Another is a junior and works as a residence hall aide at the college, so he is out.  It is just my college freshmen daughter at home.  She is following the same rules her brothers went thru.  So, long story short, your father and you should see each other's point of view and work from there.

[Gertrude]

I have two boys, 22 & 20, and one girl, 18.  As long as they live in my house, are in college that I provide, use my cars, or cars that I pay insurance on, etc., they have to pay attention to some of my (my wife and I) rules.  For me, it is not so much to protect them, but more to protect me.  If they were to be out late, have an incident ...like get arrested, an accident, car break down, etc....it all of a sudden becomes MY problem.  I would have to bail them out, or get up at 2am and take my truck to tow their car home, go to the hospital, yada yada yada.  It is for MY piece of mind and restful sleep that I wanted them in the house before midnight. 

My kids all abide.  One has finished college now, and has been out of the house for a year.  Another is a junior and works as a residence hall aide at the college, so he is out.  It is just my college freshmen daughter at home.  She is following the same rules her brothers went thru.  So, long story short, your father and you should see each other's point of view and work from there.

Yup and amen.


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[Ryuichi13]

I can see both sides of your story. 

Your dad's trying to protect his children the best way he knows how.  Unfortunately (or fortunately), he's also a cop, which means he's seen the worst of humanity and doesn't want his kids to learn the hard way. 

You, otoh, should be trusted to make wise desicions as a child he's raised.  He needs to realise that, and trust you unless proven otherwise. 

But then again as long as you're under his roof and he's paying your bills, you have to abide by his rules.

Sure its an inconvenience for you and your friend to have to take separate cars, but if you were in the car when your friend was arrested, it could have ruined any potential career you might want to have when you get out of college.  A drug bust, even if you're simply in the car, is still serious.

So, unless you two come to some kind of compromise, its probably in your best interest to follow his rules until you can move out on your own and be self-sufficient.

Either way, good luck.

Ryuichi

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[Rachel_Christina]

She was given 5 xanax, but took them anyway even though she doesn't do drugs... Yeah!
Your dad is right, not in his controls with breathalyser and all, but that girl could be dangerous to you.
And as cop I'd say he has seen his fare share of road kill. So I do not blame him for being worried.
He is looking out for you as a daughter and I think it's really sweet

[MeTony]

If you live under his roof, his rules apply.

I have a 16 yo kid. I forbid him to be with a neighbor boy because he has bad influence on my son. That other boy has used him and makes him do bad stuff he would not do, or come up with, himself.

They have known eachother for 10 years. But my "NO" means NO. They are not allowed to be together at all.

As a parent you need to protect your children no matter how hard it might feel. I understand your dad. I would not let my sons be with someone caught with illegal medicines or drugs.

I have been stuck in that ->-bleeped-<- myself. I don't want my boys to go through the hell of quitting benzo or other drugs they have gotten from someone else. I used morphine to cope with life. I thought I was going to die when I quit.

[Kylo]

As a cop I guess he's aware of what happens to people when they're caught and arrested with drugs they shouldn't have on them. Seeing the consequences of crimes does have an effect on how people view those who commit them. My partner used to work for the police and processed the records and convictions of felons, and also had a similar outlook. Because they could see all the reoffenders and the habitual lawbreakers I suppose, and how one offense or a flippant attitude might lead to another. If he's a cop, the outlook isn't surprising.

Xanax is a drug you shouldn't be driving with, it impairs alertness and responsiveness. I took it for a while on prescription and this is the case. Whether your friend was taking some at the time or not, driving around with it looks bad. If they were taking it while driving, they might have put the both of you at risk.

[Lucynewman]

I agree with you. Some lessons can only be learned the hard way.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Julia, I don't have kids, but I grew up in a household just like that.  Now that I'm older and see what it gave me I can tell you that it's a good thing.  Growing up that way with strict rules, discipline, and a firm understanding of the law made myself and my sister better people.  It didn't seem that way when it was happening to us.

We grew up on military bases, and since my dad was a colonel everybody, mainly MPs knew who he was and often times knew who we were.  If we were seen with anybody that was running afoul word got back to him.  We'd get the lecture and couldn't hang out with them anymore.  Consistently he was right too.  Those people ended up in more trouble later on.  My sister was arrested once too (underage drinking), from then on no more partying and he was up to greet us when we got home to make sure we didn't smell like it.  God forbid if we were late.  I remember one time we were very late and he shows up at the party we are at.  We didn't tell him where, he found out from his cop buddies.  He was in uniform, and basically took control of that party.  Kids went home, parents were called, etc.  back then it was all scary and bad news.  Now though, I can agree with it.  My sister and I are good people, good values, we choose friends well, haven't been in jail (I have been for speeding), have a strong work ethic.

I wouldn't discount the value of strict constructive parenting.  If he was being strict just to be an a-hole that would be another thing.  Nope I see it as good parenting.  He is passing on values, moral code, responsibility, work ethic, etc.

I might have to hug my dad now thinking of all this stuff.

[Megan.]

My kids are only 5 and 3, but they never come with an instructional manual! Parents do the best they can,  using any tool at their disposal (your dad is using his). It's not right or wrong,  it's just the best we can do.
It his house his rules,  you can try to have an adult conversation with him and reason for change,  but his word is final for now. When you've got your own roof,  you can set the rules,  just don't go crazy [emoji6]


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