Compliment or Insult?

[sarah1972]

So, I had a bit of an odd encounter yesterday and I am trying to figure out what to make of it.

There was some social gathering at a customer which included several groups (women's group, veterans group and LGBTQ group). I was passing by to grab a coffee in skirt, makeup, sandals - full Sarah mode.

All the sudden a guy walks up and congratulates me on "how brave I am for what I do". He continued on to talk that everyone should be able to express himself the way which makes one happy

Given that this was a 100% fail in passing, I am still not sure how to take it. A compliment how strong I am for what I do or rather an insult.

[RobynTx]

I'd take it as both but mainly as a compliment for expressing yourself as you see fit.

[Dan]

It was a compliment of having the courage to present yourself the way you want, and not the way society stipulates it.

[KathyLauren]

It sounds more compliment-ish than insult-ish.  But it wasn't about you; it was about him.  It was about "Look how clever I am for clocking you, and I'm such a nice guy, too."

[TonyaW]

It sounds more compliment-ish than insult-ish.  But it wasn't about you; it was about him.  It was about "Look how clever I am for clocking you, and I'm such a nice guy, too."

I think I agree with Kathy.  But if you want to cut the guy some slack, it's awfully hard to tell a trans person you don't know that

"hey I know you're trans and its cool or  awesome" or whatever without basically telling them that you've clocked them.

It's the reason I've never said anything to a couple of other trans women I've seen around on a few occaisions.

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[Devlyn]

He didn't mean you any harm. He may not view it as clocking you. It may be a case of "Wow, this person is not afraid to just be themselves, mixed gender and all. I'm impressed with their strength of character."

Not trying to squash your identity and label you as mixed gender, I'm just saying that is how some people look at it. We'll never control what someone perceives when they interact with us. As long as they're peaceful, I'm happy.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Deborah]

It sounds to me like he was trying to be nice even if it might have been phrased awkwardly.  Why read anything other than that into it?


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

[grrl1nside]

I cannot speak for their intention, but I wanted to do something similar when I was just starting to figure things out. Seeing someone identifiable as trans felt like a giant magnet. A potential source of info and just reassurance that things will really be ok. I lost a lot of that need once I discovered the forum. I think the stronger presence of out trans in entertainment really helps too.

[Gertrude]

An ignorant complement. Ignorant in that you don't approach someone and out them, passing or not. He meant well, but he should have a little discretion. I'd never do that.


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[AlyssaJ]

My gut reaction was that this was fully intended as a compliment and to be supportive.  I suppose there is a chance that on some level it was his "cute" way of letting you know that he had clocked you but I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

This is something I think we all get to deal with from time to time.  I had a similar encounter while waiting to get in the gate at Pridefest.  I was chatting with a woman who herself doesn't identify as LGBTQ but was there with one of the musical acts.  At one point in our conversation she mentioned that she liked my hair and then said "You look just like a real woman". I know she meant well but of course it also has some sting.  I didn't know how to react but ultimately I did take it for how it was meant.  Ultimately, the thought behind it is far more important that what is actually said.

[KathyLauren]

"You look just like a real woman". I know she meant well but of course it also has some sting.  I didn't know how to react but ultimately I did take it for how it was meant.

The support group I go to has a rule for that, called the "ouch/oops" rule.  The person on the receiving end simply says "ouch".  The person making the faux pas replies "oops."  It saves a whole lot of finger-pointing discussion, but gets the point across.

It would work here.  "You look just like a real woman."  "Ouch!  Thanks."  While the "oops" response may not be forthcoming, it would get the point across that the intended compliment stung, but that you recognized the intention of the compliment.

[Kylo]

So long as it isn't every single time you step outside and so long as it isn't violent or harassment, why should it be an insult. It's a fact that we ARE brave for doing it, at least in the current climate.

[Anne Blake]

I tend to give the CIS world more credit than they are due for being aware of any level of social etiquette. We, through experience, learn of the proper "rules" of conduct and yet we still occasionally slip up. Someone that does not know "our world" doesn't stand a chance to not screw up. They have to believe that it takes strength to be ourselves, they can't know that most of us don't have the option of not being ourselves. Dysphoria is not something that most CIS folks are conditioned to comprehend. So I believe that he was attempting to give you affirmation and probably tell you that he was impressed by how strong you have to be to be living as you need to, something that I suspect that he realizes that he would not be able to do. Count that one as a compliment!

Now for being clocked, at first I would have felt bad about not pulling off my presentation but you mentioned that there was an LGBTQ group present. Having other transgender folks about makes it difficult if not impossible for me to pass so I wouldn't be too hard on myself.

[RobynD]

I get about one of these every couple of months. The last one was from a gas station attendant. We actually have those in Oregon, the law does not allow you to pump your own gas.

I try and give the benefit of the doubt that it is a genuine attempt at compliment, perhaps they have had thoughts about themselves as well. It is hard though to be outed like that but it is also factual there is bravery there.

One of my good friends and a person active as an ally for LGTB causes actually said in passing about me that "there is 3 and half women here " and she meant i was the half. I let it slide at that time. I probably should have said "ouch"

[Charlie Nicki]

Compliment.

To me he was trying to be nice, no need to overthink it; I feel like it's easy for us to fall into the trap of perceiving anything is an insult and making ourselves victims. Lets try to avoid that.

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Textbook example of an indelicate comment with the best of intentions (I hope). I guess some people, sometimes, suck at social skills. I'd interpret it in the most positive way you. 😉
Hugs, Sarah

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[Tammy Jade]

To me it was meant as a compliment, most people not in the community don't realise that saying something like that may upset someone. As I learned pretty quickly once I got on the forum it's a whole mine field of terminology and correct and possibly incorrect phrases.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being.


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[sarah1972]

Thanks for all the feedback!

Yes, I did see it as a compliment too!!

This specific case is even a bit more complicated: I have been at this customer several weeks a year for the past 5 years, so many people know my old self and all the sudden see me show up in heels and a skirt. Even folks I have never interacted with must have seen my old self around. And now I am just sticking out a bit.

And yes, I always give everyone a lot of credit! It is also that in most cases it does not bug me. I think I have a somewhat relaxed view of this. I fully understand that people who are not closely involved with anything trans* just have the very best intentions.

So long as it isn't every single time you step outside and so long as it isn't violent or harassment, why should it be an insult. It's a fact that we ARE brave for doing it, at least in the current climate.

Yes, we are brave :-)

[MistressStevie]

The old adage of "Never ascribing to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence," has always served me well when trying to interpret my little segment of the universe. 

Unless there is hard evidence to support malice, assume the best and get on with life.   

[Sarah77]

I think in the real world we should take kindness where we find it.
Sadly a large proportion of transgender cannot go stealth..and it should be ok
for CIS people to ask questions or engage with us. Understanding then blossoms.