Meeting other transpeople for the first time. It was horrible!

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. So last night I went to a trans support group for the first time. I hate to say this but it was a horrible  experience and I would never go back. There were more people there than I expected. It was a mix of ages. I had been wearing my contact lenses all day and my eyes were bothering me a lot so I took them out before I went. I am uncomfortable in public without my colored lenses. They give my eyes a normal color. Naturally they are a light violet color that sounds pretty but it's not. It looks very strange. But I didn't worry about it because I figured I would be among people who were different themselves so no one was going to think I was a freak or judge me. That sure was WRONG. As soon as I walked into the room everyone stared at me and the conversations people were having turned into whispering and nudging each other to look at me. But I'm kind of used to that reaction so I thought once they all had a good look it would stop. I noticed one girl with her cis boyfriend looking at me. The boyfriend was staring holes through me. So I got out my phone and started checking my emails and when I looked up he was standing in front of me looking at me. He said "Stahma Tarr" I said excuse me. He said "Stahma Tarr. You look like her." I asked who the hell was that and he said she was an albino alien from the show Defiance. Of course she was an alien. I would never look like a human character.  His girlfriend dragged him away and told me over her shoulder that she was very pretty and that he totally meant it as a compliment. Then a girl around my age sat next to me and introduced herself. She seemed nice and we talked a little bit. But then she said she liked my "look" but that I needed to wear different contact lenses because the ones I was wearing were totally "creepy". I told her I wasn't wearing contact lenses and she looked at my eyes really closely and then she said "OMG you're not! Oh you poor thing I'm so sorry. "  Then she said she had to pee and when she came back she moved to a seat across the room. I just put on my sunglasses and left them on the rest of the night. Then the meeting started. About 10 minutes in a woman in her 60s came in and sat down. Her name was Leona. The women sitting next to me started whispering to each other and laughing. "Of course she's late. HE has to wait until it's dark outside so no one can see her." Then " why doesn't she shave those wooly arms? " And "she could take the head off a mop and put it on her head and it would look better than that cheap nappy wig " they just kept on destroying this woman and misgendering her and laughing. I finally couldn't listen to any more. I told them they were a couple of hateful bitches and neither one of them could exactly do runway modeling and I changed seats. Then a while later a woman was coming back from the bathroom. She was extremely tall and she smacked her head on a light fixture on the way back to her seat. The whole room laughed. She was really embarrassed and you could see she was almost in tears but people kept on laughing.

This was a AWFUL experience for me. I was upset and hurt by the way I was treated but at least I understand it. Most people have never seen an albino in person. But for transwomen to rip apart another transwoman and enjoy it so much is just something I would never have imagined. It blows my mind. Because Leona wasn't passable she doesn't have feelings?  I spoke to her and she is a sweet and lovely woman.

This whole thing has depressed me. If trans people can be so cruel and disrespectful to EACH OTHER what possible hope will there ever be for cis people to treat us with respect? ?
Julia

[Devlyn]

Sounds more like a  club than a support meeting. I've never been to one where the facilitator would allow behaviour like that, especially laughing at someone. Where did you go?

For anyone looking for a support group, we have quite a few listings in the Links Directory. https://www.susans.org/links/Local_Support_Groups_&_Organizations/  We're always looking for new ones, so if you know of a support group, please submit it to the directory.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Julia1996]

It was at someone's home. I don't know if there even was a moderator. There was the woman who started it and who hosted it but she didn't seem like she was doing much more than talking to her friends. What's the difference between a club and support meeting?

[Violets]

OMG Julia, that's horrible! I gasped several times reading your post. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this in a supposedly 'supportive' environment.

[Raell]

That account had me in tears myself.

Horrible. But people can be incredibly rude in the US. Just read the troll comments under anything at all posted on the internet. Sometimes I go after them for attacking someone, but it does no good-they seem utterly brainless as well. Their ignorance is staggering. Perhaps it's because so many American parents allow the media to raise their kids?

[Anne Blake]

Hello Julia,

I am sorry to hear that your first gathering of transgender folks was so bad. I have been to a few different groups and while some were better or more relevant than others, none of them were that disrespectful or mean spirited. It should have been addressed and dealt with, either by a moderator or just the other folks there. I am not aware of any gathering, transgender or CIS that people would be allowed to be openly disrespectful of others. I am glad to hear that you spoke up to the two women in the manner that you did, it took strength to be that expressive in a strange and uncomfortable environment. Go girl!

As for clubs vs support groups, they have some things in common and some distinct differences. Clubs tend to gather for shared interests. There is a "Club" of transgender women in a city near me that gets together every weekend for the express purpose getting dinner out and then clubbing. They dance until closing time, grab a bite to eat and head home near sunrise. I wish that I still had the stamina for such things. Support groups are usually set up with the purpose of providing a safe environment for people to come and learn, experience, share time with other curious people. There is one just north of where I live that caters to a broad mix of LGBTQ community members that for the most part are new to knowing themselves. A moderator is there to keep some form of sanity to the gathering and protect the environment so that people are not treated the way you experienced at your gathering. I have to believe that had anyone been as disrespectful as you describe it would have been swiftly dealt with. Many times those that attend some of the support groups will join with like minded folks for friendships and/or off site meals and smaller gatherings, perhaps verging on loose knit club concepts.

I have made some close contacts through support group/clubs that have become dear friends, the kind of friends that I rely on to keep me sane and alive.

Anne

[Randy1980]

That's awful shame on them

[Kendra]

Julia I think you did the right thing.  You are strong but I am also concerned about several of the people you are describing in the meeting. 

If you have a way to contact the person who hosted this meeting and are comfortable doing so, you might want to help them understand the potentially serious or permanent consequences of their actions.  They might believe the opposite and feel they benefited the community by opening up their home and hosting - or they might blame someone else for not adequately facilitating.  Regardless, the end result was irresponsible.  Remind this person of the very real statistics we face and must overcome.

[AlyssaJ]

A couple thoughts here.  I agree that this does not sound like a typical (or professional) support group. Support groups are supposed to have moderators for this exact reason. This is a toxic group that I agree you should take no further part in.

Sadly what you've seen though is that within any "minority" group, people can be just as bad or worse than the behavior they claim to fight against in their oppressors.  It's not everyone but it's just like any other social group, there are some good and some bad.  Is it hypocritical, yes for sure.  But there are hypocrites in all walks of life. 

Perhaps the insecurity these people feel about themselves from their own situation also is part of the cause.  Its not uncommon at all for people to respond to their own insecurities by attacking those of others.  Clearly this group of people has no desire to support each other.  It sounds very clique-ish and not at all productive.  I'm so sorry to hear you even had to go through this.

[Rachel_Christina]

I duno how people can be so shocked in seeing someone who is albino, it seems so dumb, I had a friend who was Albino and it never shocked me when I first met her, like I knew it existed, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know.
It does sound terrible though.
But I would be lying if I didn't kinda lol at the image of someone knocking ther head on a light fixture. Haha
For the reason these people laughed it's horrible though, I just mean anyone walking into something lol

I have never been to a group meeting, I'm thinking about doing it sometime though... Kinda scary

[Elis]

Sounds like a club more than a support group. You should find one at a lgbt charity/centre. All the trans groups I've been to are lovely. Don't give up

[Charlie Nicki]

The women gossiping about Leona was the most awful part for me.

On the bright side, I looked up Stahma Tarr (you probably did too) and she's indeed gorgeous. So at least that was a compliment for real.

[Julia1996]

I duno how people can be so shocked in seeing someone who is albino, it seems so dumb, I had a friend who was Albino and it never shocked me when I first met her, like I knew it existed, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know.
It does sound terrible though.
But I would be lying if I didn't kinda lol at the image of someone knocking ther head on a light fixture. Haha
For the reason these people laughed it's horrible though, I just mean anyone walking into something lol

I have never been to a group meeting, I'm thinking about doing it sometime though... Kinda scary

You would be amazed at the way people act and the things they say to people who are "different". Once I was in line to pay for gas and the guy in front of me had a prosthetic arm. I thought it looked really cool myself but when the guy handed the clerk the money with the prosthetic hand the clerk actually backed up and asked the guy to put the money on the counter because he didn't want to touch that "thing". People don't think or even care what they say to others.  I've had people openly gawk and say all kinds of things to me. It doesn't really bother me that much anymore because I expect it. What bothered me so much this time was that it was from people I was at first comfortable with and that I would have thought they would totally  be the last ones to judge and make fun of another person. But I agree how they treated Leona was way worse.  Not everyone was nasty. I did speak to a couple of women and a transguy that were very nice.

[AnonyMs]

Call me cynical, but I don't think we're any different to anyone else just because we're trans. I'd have liked to think so, but you can see it online all the time. Trans people are just the usual mix of people.

Half of what you posted was I think just people being awkward by accident. I can imagine they thought the way you look was on purpose, and probably felt really bad afterwards - moving to sit across the room is a sign of that.

I've met a fair number of trans people in person now, maybe 50+, and I've never encountered anything like that. I have met some quite unusual people, and some I really don't get on with, but no one so offensive.

As for the rest all I can say is don't take it personally. People behaving like that is no reflection on you, its all about them. Why be upset about it? Personally I find that sort of thing annoying and if I were nicer about it I'd feel sorry for them (but I'm not).

[Rachel_Christina]

It's crazy Julia what people think they can get away with.
Pay no heed!
I always have been just a "regular guy" so I never felt with this really, but I am sure I will get my fair share of duds saying the most ridiculous things now that I am out as trans..

[Artesia]

I'm sorry you had this awful experience.  I would invite you to mine, but it is veterans only.  If you were closer, I would totally invite you to my home to start a real/new group.

[TransAm]

I second, third and fourth what everyone else is saying so I won't repeat it all.

However, I had to hop on to say that the Stahma thing was definitely a compliment. Her character is hot as ****.
Like in the top 5 hot as **** characters of all time for me, personally. I was bummed as hell when they cancelled that show.

She makes my fiancée's tongue wag, too.

[Rachel]

There are two support groups I attend. One is at my primary care (Mazzoni Center) which now houses the behavioral unit. There is a licensed social worker there to moderate and there are rules that must be followed.

At the William Way LGBTQI center there is a group that is moderated by a mature trans woman who is very good at moderating. That group is more a social group but everyone is supportive. The conversations can be much more open and real with no fear of being 302ed.

You went to a social group with little or no fame work and sounds petty and immature. Search out a moderated trans group with rules that keep everyone safe.

Julia, you are beautiful and you sound sweet from your posts. I am very sorry this happened to you. 

[Dan]

I find the lack of maturity displayed by the attendees rather shocking in every way. These were adults but were acting like a bunch of kindergarden level kids, if not worse.

I'm also amazed at how people respond to Albinos. I had a class mate in high school who was Albino and we all had a crush on him ( not me, I just wanted his hair, eyes and height ) . 

When it comes to being stared at, I've been advised to look back at them until they avert their eyes. Most will avert their eyes and that is a sign that you have taken on the position of power. You need to learn not to look away from those who stare at you because that way you are handing power over to them. Take control of the situation and look firmly back at them.  I've had to learn that myself because I do get stared at because I don't fit the female stereotype, and it takes people a long time to try to figure me out and find a stereotypical box to squash me into, and they do so by staring at me. I just look back at them directly, and they virtually immediately look away. YEAH! It is a very empowering feeling.

[Lady Sarah]

Wow, Julia! That place sounds worse than the trans support group I used to attend at the Tenderloin Self Help Center in San Francisco. At least I only experienced racial bigotry, especially towards Caucasians. Nitpicking about eye color or a wig just shows how much humanity has failed to evolve from our simian ancestors.