Hi Johanna,
I'm Laurie and I see I missed welcoming you to Susan's Place, I'm sorry for that, but alas I've be caught up in myself lately. So let me welcome you now. ((Hug)) It's a bit late to tell you to come on in and make yourself comfortable as you already have. Please continue as we not only want you here, we need you here. This site is made so people with a little more experience can help those with a little less or those who are going through difficult times.
I would put you in that last category. Not being verse in your story and your progress I went back a read your prior posts. (I saw I had read a few before) I see in this tread we are talking about uncertainty and fears our terrible monsters that strive to make us question ourselves and our motives. They are certainly no strangers to all of us here so we all start out with common grounds to share our experiences.
I see that even though everything you have told us before is all good you are now questioning whether going forward is the right thing for you to do. I suggest you go back and read your own posts on this forum. Your own words will tell you that going forward on the path you are now on is exactly what you should do. Oh yes, I understand the fear of change, the second guessing, and the insecurity involved in transitioning. I had been going through some of the very same things you are. I didn't always feel I was trans. It is something I discovered only 7 months ago and when I started HRT I did not know if it was the right thing for me to do. I feel it is as I have not wanted to stop the changes but I still had and have my doubt due to everything about getting the meds and seeing doctors and getting their confirmations were so easy for me, no convincing, no hoops to jump through, everything falling into place and nothing but a red carpet to a new life.
The only one to have reservations about it is me and I think it was the insecurity and fear that was keeping me from believing the truth. About a month ago an insecure fearful person left my home to drive across America to set foot in the only state in the country she had not been in. I did that. but what I didn't realize at the time was that I had also left home in search of myself much like you and your beach house experiment. I left home in female attire when I had had only a few out of the closet encounters in public settings. I was scared but felt I could at least make it to my first two meetup in this mode. I wound up making the whole trip in female attire. I met others like me along the way. Others more secure in who they are than I. I learned from each and everyone of them that I belonged among them and they helped me learn to be one of them. I returned home more confident in who I am and who I am supposed to be. So much so that I am still in female mode and am seeing if I can turn it into full time.
I still have fears and am still a bit insecure but I am less so now.
With all you have posted I feel you too are doing what you should and need to keep walking down your own personal path to become the woman you know in your heart you are. Don't let your fears, doubts and insecurities derail you from this path. Instead take the bull by the horns and confront them. You have all the support you need, there is nothing to stop you but yourself.
Hugs,
Laurie
