So I try not to be one to fool myself or suffer from delusions. I used to be very closed off inside my own head, but through a series of events that also led me to the self realization of coming out, I try to be honest with myself.
With that in mind, I would never fall into the trap of assuming I pass very well, especially at my current stage of transition. The issue/question of whether I should even be trying to pass aside, I'd prefer to. I'm living full time as myself, all my documents are changed, I'm out at work, etc...
And, while at work, many people seem to just refrain from using gendered words, and where I am now in my process that's honestly the best I can really hope for. Of those that do, probably 90% use female ones. There are a few who insist on using "he/him" but it's rare. Most of the times that happens, they correct themselves. There are only a few jerks who make a point of being mean.
Now, I know that all those who say "he" and correct to "she" know I'm trans and are slipping up but respectful enough to correct themselves. The ones that juts call me "she" from the start are most likely the same, just with the presence of mind not to slip up first.
Of the ones remaining, I'm assuming that the old men who half flirt and call me she just have poorer eye-sight and less acute hearing. Maybe a few others just aren't paying attention.
All that being said, that's at work, with makeup on.
When I don't have makeup on, it's not even really an issue of whether I pass or not. I simply don't. Since I'm out completely, my nails are always painted. And I don't switch to acting "male" I keep up with the mannerisms and voice I've been learning. So I guess I just look like an effeminate guy or maybe a gay guy. Nothing wrong with either of those, but they aren't who I am.
It makes me feel like it's just the makeup helping me have any semblance of a chance of passing.
The emotional gravity of this hit me last night when amazon failed to deliver my setting powder. I realized that without the makeup I'm used to, I had no idea how I'd be able to walk into work. Simultaneously with this, one of my cis female co-workers is getting married soon, and going sans-makeup to help clear up her skin. She not only looks decidedly female without her makeup, she still looks like herself!
Now, I'm not caking on gobs of makeup. It is a full face of foundation, but it's not what I'd call "extreme" or even overly heavy.
I know that the hormones (nearly 3 months in) will help. I know the electrolysis and laser I'm doing will help. Maybe it's just about waiting...
But it leaves me feeling fake, like without the makeup, I'm not "fooling" anyone. And makes even sitting at the beach sans-makeup this summer seem impossible.
