inching forward to somewhere

[Sarah77]

I feel like slowly the walls of life stopping me living as a woman are eroded.
It's a tiptoe experience

1. My wife has made it clear we can be friends and transgender or her husband.
I don't know how I feel about that..but
2. Sex is increasingly only possible when I imagine I'm the passive female partner.
3. I'd lose my extremely well paid job if I transitioned. So I'm going to spend as long as it takes to be financially independent - then I'm ready. That might be a decade.
4. I no longer care if I would pass..only that I'm authentic to myself.
5. My mum knows..I know she does. Why else tell me 'a child needs a father'.
6. It will scar my children, I can't believe it won't. I must find a way to protect them..as peers will be cruel and they will mourn their father.
7. I'm a bit scared by it all..
8. I still spend half the time thinking I'm a deluded fraud.
9. I'm doing the lotto every draw. One jackpot which means my family's future are secure..that'll be the day I transition.

That's tonight's random thoughts on a page

[RobynTx]

I know the feeling.  The What Ifs can get out of hand.  At some point who's happiness is more important to you. In order for you to be happy there will be some unhappy people, there's no getting around that.  I've done the same thing for a long time before saying "screw it" and I came out.  My wife wasn't happy that I hid it for so long but she is accepting it, slowly.  I haven't told my kids yet and I don't know how they will handle it.  Granted they are still young so who knows.  My work place I'm not too worried about.  Vast majority of the time I never see a co-worker except for my partner and I'm left alone for the most part.  I believe that as long as I show up for my shifts and get the job done they won't care all that much.  As for the rest of my family they are a pretty small group and I think they will be fine after the initial shock. 

Guess I wish everyone was as lucky as me for their transition.  But I'm scared of what the future holds for me.  I have my doubts and all just like anyone else.  But I have this forum here to keep me going.  So do you.

[KathyLauren]

There is lots there to think about.  But I would concentrate on #4.  That's what it's all about.

Kids can be surprisingly resilient.  A friend of mine, whose wife is not very understanding wanted to go out to an event dressed as herself and was worried about the consequences.  Her teen-aged kid said, "Dad, just do it!"

Are you sure about the work consequences?  It's pretty rare these days, and illegal in many places, for work places to not be accepting.

[JoanneB]

I'll add a little something to what KathyLauren said.... #4 is a biggie. BUT

For me I see making the minor leap from where I am today to maybe being & feeling 100% authentic is just an incremental change at a possible great cost. I'm in much of the same same boat as you, as well as many others. Do I or Don't I, Is it worth it? I'll loose everything etc. etc. etc. and for what?

Eight years ago I found myself in a place where the only hope I saw was to change, otherwise known as transition. To transition from that lifeless soulless thing I grew into over the years and into a for real person. The big change was putting an end to how I Was Not handling being trans.

The first year or so was the most difficult. All the Shame & Guilt. All the endless questions with no real answers. As an engineer I like surety before I act. The only thing I knew for sure was EVERYTHING I did in the past was not helping. I needed to do something different.

Today I feel for the most part 80% authentic. Do I need the other 20%, as transitory as it may be IF I loose my job, wife, home and maybe so much more?  I know I want to be 100% authentic but this is not an ideal world I live in. If and when the time comes and I Need to, I will.

Changing how you deal with being trans in a healthy manner takes an incredible amount of work. All the more difficult to accomplish when your old friends Shame & Guilt keep telling you what a fools errand it is. Just stuff the feelings away, eat more, drink more, anger is the only emotion you're allowed to have.....

80% of what you need to do to heel yourself you likely need to do if you transition, or not. Most of your items scream that.

One baby step at a time.

[elkie-t]

I feel like slowly the walls of life stopping me living as a woman are eroded.
It's a tiptoe experience

1. My wife has made it clear we can be friends and transgender or her husband.
I don't know how I feel about that..but
2. Sex is increasingly only possible when I imagine I'm the passive female partner.
3. I'd lose my extremely well paid job if I transitioned. So I'm going to spend as long as it takes to be financially independent - then I'm ready. That might be a decade.
4. I no longer care if I would pass..only that I'm authentic to myself.
5. My mum knows..I know she does. Why else tell me 'a child needs a father'.
6. It will scar my children, I can't believe it won't. I must find a way to protect them..as peers will be cruel and they will mourn their father.
7. I'm a bit scared by it all..
8. I still spend half the time thinking I'm a deluded fraud.
9. I'm doing the lotto every draw. One jackpot which means my family's future are secure..that'll be the day I transition.

That's tonight's random thoughts on a page

1) it's fair and square. Friendship is great, and you shouldn't be possessive or demand your wife to turn into a lesbian. Your old self is about to die, and both of you need freedom to explore your sexuality. That may lead to an open marriage or dissolution of the one. Either way, I'd suggest to go with the flow and not make long term plans.

2) you do need to explore your new sexuality, and your spouse deserve the same rights.

3) jobs have no loyalty to their employees. If you feel you're overpaid, start looking for a new one. Otherwise, if they truly need you, they will accept you as a trans-female and stick with you against anyone who isn't professionally polite to you. Any way, you cannot make all money in the world, and if you're absolutely sure you'd lose your job as a result of transition, look for another job (and let them know you will be transitioning before you accept the offer), even if it is less paying - you will be safe during the transition. With little planning, and some luck - it doesn't have to be a decade.
5) not necessarily. She might fear something else. Never assume another person knows until you told it personally. Nor assume the other person doesn't know.
6) not necessarily. Children would accept your needs and the new you in their life, if it is explained to them in simple terms. It may actually make them better persons in the long run. Unless, you have an ugly divorce and constant fights with your soon to be ex wife (but hopefully, you remain friends and good parents).

7-8) makes you normal person.

9) ain't gonna happen, and your children don't need to have millions of dollars to be secure... if it ever happens, please spend some money on a charity.

[Rachel]

My daughter was told I am trans when she was 15; I was walking in my first pride parade at the time. I waited until she was 18 and out of high school before I came out and expressed. She has not accepted me.

My wife gave me an ultimatum, no transitioning or divorce. We are at the end of the divorce process.

Work has been wonderful and accepting.

I wish I could pass but I am going for the next best which is to be me. I have gone through FFS, GCS, BA, hair transplants, therapy and speech therapy. I will have additional hair transplants and perhaps FFS tweaking and VFS. I am growing tired of the procedures an pain.

I initially said I did not care if I passed but I did then and I do now.

I came to a point when I had to come out. I thought I would lose my job; I did not.

I think I need to live closer to the gayborhood. At least I will have more exposure to variant people and a higher potential to meet a partner. I do not wish to be alone but things are looking that way unless I change where I live and meet people.

[Dan]

I'm not sure if I understand your first sentence,

I feel like slowly the walls of life stopping me living as a woman are eroded.
It's a tiptoe experience
...

I interpret this to mean, that those walls that have stopped you from living as a woman are slowly crumbling and you will therefore soon be free to walk out into freedom to live as a woman. Is this correct?

If so, then the series of questions you are listing, are the final bricks in that wall before it crumbles?

They are important points to ponder and resolve.  When it comes to difficult life decisions, I've found the approach outlined in this TED talk always helped me. I used an approach very similar to this in the past well before this TED talk, although I mulled it over in my head rather write it down. Writing  it down though will make it easier to digest and to review and later have it as a record of how you came to your decisions.

The transcript is more useful , but then I'm more of a reader than a listener: