I don't know what to do

[EightyEight]

Hey, the name's eightyeight. I'm not gonna put my actual name, because I don't really have one yet? I mean, I do have one but it's the one that is so feminine and I hate it, so much.
Anyways, I'm new on this forum and I just wanted to vent and get some opinions if that's okay?
Okay so here goes:
So recently, I've accepted the fact that I'm trans*. I've accepted it but I'm not out yet. I brought myself a binder, and even though it's one of the apparently 'bad amazon ones' it gets the job done. Now, I'm going to my nana's for 3 weeks soon, and now that I have a solution to feeling bad about my chest, I don't want to give it up? Even if it is only for 3 weeks? Wearing a normal bra now makes me feel so wrong and sad, like I'm faking who I am? I wish I could take my binder, but literally no one in my family knows yet. And my nana would be sure to question me and then proceed to tell everyone. Ughhhh this just kinda slowly kills me inside. 
Also, I really want to find my name. Like, really. I don't know if it has to start with the first letter of my dead name or something, but I can't let my mom choose because, well, she doesn't know, and I know what she will choose and it's a name that really won't make it any easier to pass. Plus it really doesn't feel like me? I was thinking something along the lines of Elliot or Nathan, but I don't know how to test the names out? Like I've been going to a support group, and everyone there just calls me the masculine short of my dead name, so it would be really awkward if I just asked them to call me something else all of a sudden
Sorry if this is all jumbled, can anyone give me any advice?
Thanks
EightyEight

[stephaniec]

my name is just the feminine of my birth name

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. There is no reason to rush while you are finding a name. When you find one, just let a moderator know and we will change your account name for you. Many people on the site don't use there real name which is good because an internet search will find your name and that's bad if you wish to preserve your privacy.

You might discuss this with the FTM members but from what I understand, if you aren't very big, a sports bra does a pretty good job of binding and wouldn't be noticeable by others. I think some use two of them with on on normally and the other on backwards to provide additional compression.

As for your name, support groups are often willing to help you test out a new name. Just explain what you would like them to do and why.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[JulieOnHerWay]

Welcome Eightyeight
In and of itself that is an interesting and different name.  No one would forget that one for sure if you keep it.  While I have my forum name, I brought it up with my GT and she wanted me to keep it.  And we did a bit of chat about the (Psychological) source for that name.  i.e. Who was the first "Julie" I knew.  But I am not set on it and have a string of possibilities as options.  But in the big scheme of things right now you have other more important considerations.
As an older person, I would suggest you not rule out having a heart-to-heart chat with Nana.  She has seen some road.  Raised up one of your parents and a bunch of Aunts and Uncles too probably.  Has grand-babies running around.  And none of them are the same.  But she loves the lot of your mangy selves.  And feeds you too. And you specifically, she lets you hang around for way past your freshness date. Regardless of her religious or political opinions she may be your biggest advocate.  Cover your back.  Pave the way.  Keep the hounds at bay as you process your life.  Love can do that with grandparents. 
So sweetie, take some time and think if it would be worth talking to her about your situation.  Think about your aunts and uncles.  Your cousins etc.  Her extended family.  Have any one of them had a life-altering event that was unseen? Gay? Change religions or political persuasions?  Life is funny and living it makes us more flexible in how we live it.  Even a Nana.
Good luck
Julie (for now)

[Kendra]

Hi eightyeight! 

I came out to my parents when I visited the day before yesterday.  I expected the worst.  They were both born in 1931.

Internally I figured it was best to not over-set my own expectations so I wouldn't be disappointed in my parents' reaction.  But when I decided it was time to them who I really am, I was determined to do everything possible to make this a positive conversation.  An opportunity to enjoy so many things and be myself.  I see this as a challenge but that's not a bad thing - I have worked hard to achieve things I am proud of.

Turns out my fears were completely wrong.  I am shocked at how sincerely accepting my 86 year old parents are.  Things they were puzzled by or uncomfortable with now make sense to them.  I was stunned when my mom told me I will be a beautiful woman (I am MTF).  My dad started using terms like "we" for the first time in years.  We are suddenly closer.

If you decide to talk openly with your nana or others in your family I am not trying to predict exactly how they will respond.  I can tell you how my conversation went, and if you go to the Coming Out board you can see the experiences of others.

I wish you the best.

[EightyEight]

Thank you guys for all the advice! I've come out to my mum! And she helped me decide on my name, Nathan! She's so accepting and is letting me bring my 'boys clothes' to my nana's! Still going to have to go without the binder though
I'm not going to tell her yet, hopefully after I've told my dad, and sometime in the winter (hopefully) seeing as I only see her for 3 weeks in the summer because of how far away she lives.
Also, some happy news, I'm going to my GP soon to hopefully be referred to a GIC. The wait time is long, and it will be a good few years until I am able to start hrt or get top surgery, but it'll make me feel so much better to not have to hide anymore! Also, the other people at youth group, or my closest friend there, didn't even know I was AFAB?? Like, he just thought that I was a cis gay dude and that makes me soooo happy! I smile every time I think about the youth group!
Everything is going so good right now and I'm so happy even though dysphoria (I think that's the term for it) literally kills to have to deal with.

-Nathan <3

[stephaniec]

Congrats

[JulieOnHerWay]

Nathan that's great.  You have more support than you thought.  Now start your journey with the help from a few friends.
I would suggest while you wait out the NHS, you try to do what you can to help yourself.  Maybe see a GT privately or more.  Take charge of your life and don't wait on others.  There is always a way.
Good luck at your Nanas.
Julie