Is there a huge feeling of relief after coming out?

[RobynTx]

When I was planning to tell my wife i envisioned the both of us crying. So when I told her I felt so good for myself but sad because I broke her heart. I tried so hard to shed a tear but I couldn't.

[undautri]

As nice as it was for me to tell people, for me i just get increasingly stressed when i come out. Sure, it's nice to be called by my name and it's nice to let people know so they don't constantly "oh wow your eyes are so pretty" "your hands are so effeminate" it also put a lot of pressure on me to be myself. That sounds easy, but as I've worked so long and hard to look as pretty and act as sissy as possible, it's being very hard to break those old habits.
  Also whenever I come out (or try to come out) to a family member, the tension raises to breaking point in the room. Long stares, long silences, fury raging at the temperature of a thousands suns. And that tension doesn't go away. Any time any kind of gender-ish topic comes up, all eyes on me, all silence, all walking on eggshells and dissapointment and hate.
  Honestly I'm jealous of everyone else here, it was the opposite of a relief for me. At least when I was closeted, my every move wasn't judged. At least when I was closeted, I didn't have people crying over how pretty I was when I had long hair.

[zamber74]

I've only told my wife, and it worked out fantastic, she is completely supportive and we are still very much in love.  One thing to consider is are you okay with coming out?  I'm still very much in my own shell, and it is very hard to get out of the mentality I have built for myself that makes me feel comfortable. 

So I feel good that she knows about it, but I feel incredibly vulnerable and afraid.   She has told a coworker, and knowing how things work, I am sure most of her coworkers know now, and that feels good yet at the same time I have not developed a mentality of how to deal with this.

There is a part of me, that wants this to get out to all of my family, to be thrown out and exposed for who I really am, it would be nice to just break myself into a thousand little pieces and rebuild myself - and that may be necessary.  Another part worries, to death, I worry about my aging parents, the shame and guilt they would feel, my homophobic brother would be most impacted, he has always used me as an anchor for stability in his otherwise chaotic life.  My oldest brother, who had his wife leave him for another woman, what sort of impact would this have on him?  Would he see me as nothing more than selfish?  He just had a kid, is he going to see me as a monster?  Am I going to be perceived as a threat?

I know the spot you're in, it sucks.  I would suggest a therapist first, if you can afford one, I wish I had one to sort through all of my feelings and help "me" build myself back up. 

[pretty pauline]

It depends on reaction of the people important to you.

Down to the important people in your life, I didn't tell my boyfriend (fiancé) for months, didn't think it mattered or was important, then I got very anxious and nervous when he started proposing marriage, it was a huge burden and started to stress me out, when I told him, it was a shock to him, but a huge relief lifted off my shoulders, but knowing me for months, he only ever knew me as a woman and loved me as the woman I am, no regrets not telling him sooner, may not have worked out, but getting married he had to know, it was a big relief that he finally knew, I never had to worry about it again. Walking down the aisle being a bride for my husband was the happiest day of my life.

[Sarah_P]

It was quite honestly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I chickened out several times before talking to my friends, and when the time finally came I was crying so hard with shame & fear that I almost couldn't talk. But I did - and they made me realize there was nothing to be ashamed of. They responded with love & acceptance, and have been the cornerstone of my whole transition. I simply could not do this without them.
Talking to my parents was hard, too, but after that hurdle it was much easier. I've now told everyone who's currently a part of my life (well, my employers know, but not all my coworkers).

[coldHeart]

Watch out its little miss doom & gloom, when I had the courage to tell my wife the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan big time, a few so called friends could see my face had change goatie shave off eye brows done, I thought once vit was out then a huge weight would be off my shoulders oh no now I realized it was a massive mistake, losing a few friends who mended up not being real friends I can live with, losing the wife was very very hard but then she was doing things behind my back the hardest part of coming out was coming out to myself for real, in other words my looks are the thing that stops me going any further so at first yes it was relief then nerves now just bleak.

[Cheaney]

So sorry to hear it went that way! We all know the possibility of losing people in our lives from coming out but it doesn't make it hurt any less! Especially those close to us. Hang in there! You're not alone, we're all hear for you!

[Kendra]

> losing a few friends who mended up not being real friends I can live with, losing the wife was very very hard

For illustration let's imagine two additional situations.

• A transgender FTM realizes they feel best with a buzz-cut and no makeup so they cut off their shoulder length hair.  Some friends freak out and wonder why anyone would do such a thing without asking their friends' permission?  If asked, those friends would have said "making yourself better makes me uncomfortable."  Their spouse doesn't give a damn about the partner's happiness and well-being - they clearly lied about 3 things when they promised: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."   
  
  
• A cancer patient has their shoulder length hair turned into a buzz-cut as it's about to fall out anyway.  They return home, don't feel like wearing makeup and don't feel like announcing "I am medically different and decided to do something about it." Some friends freak out and wonder why anyone would do such a thing without asking their friends' permission?  If asked, those friends would have said "making yourself better makes me uncomfortable."  Their spouse doesn't give a damn about the partner's happiness and well-being - they clearly lied about 3 things when they promised: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." 

Something to consider. 

[Laurie]

I'm not sure about the relief though I did feel relief after coming out to some friends and family privately. But I just came out to friends on facebook and it is not relief I'm feeling. Perhaps that will come later.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Michelle_P]

... Their spouse doesn't give a damn about the partner's happiness and well-being - they clearly lied about 3 things when they promised: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health." 
...

Oh, yeah.  My spouse wanted me out of the house.  I was going to therapy dressed, and running errands and whatnot while out.  Never in our hometown, of course.  One of the many rules and restrictions...  She was scared to death that one of her friends or the neighbors would see me.  Nothing about my issues, problems, and difficulties, it was all about the inconvenience and embarrassment she might suffer.

So, I left, went full time, and came out publicly.  Nice photo of me, Michelle, in the hometown paper, accepting a community service award for our amateur radio club from the mayor.  . (Everyone in that club took it well, remarkable considering the age and background of many of the members.)

When I developed melanoma, I called the kids and told them, so they'd know to get screenings.  I told my ex, because it affected some scheduling, and she was angry that I even brought it up.  Letting her know that I had cancer, would be having surgery, and would not be available for a mediation session was apparently "making this all about you." 

"For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."  Yeah, this was a real eye opener.  It definitely laid regrets to rest.

[Corastrasza]

I have come out only to my close family and close friends, probably 12 people. When I came out to my little brother and his girlfriend and they accepted me I felt super good. When I came out to my parents. Well lets just say I wish I hadn't

[Randy1980]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences of coming out..the only person that I have came out to is my wife about a year and a half ago .. that went well and we are still together the main thing I learned is once it's out it can never be taken back I tried to surpress my dysphoria for a while and have a normal marriage with her as a husband and wife but she just simply can't see me as a man anymore now that she knows that I am really a woman inside.. so we have had to change the dinamics of our relationships.. coming out is by far the scariest thing I have to do especially to my parents but I feel like once it's done it's done there is no going back so.. once I get through that tough step I will fill free to be who I have always wanted to be and over time others will learn to adjust to the true me or move on