Hey everyone. I didnt think that i would be commenting in this section again or making a post here but i have gotta. I dont know how much longer i can keep on transitioning. This evil man force keeps coming up and ruining my happy times. A recent recap:
This month has been a real eye opener alright. It started off rocky, then it got good for a bit. Around late morning on July 5th i got this sudden connection to the things i liked, i felt really feminine just by looking at me and being able to not feel doubtful about all the crap i have been through. This lasted somewhat into the next day, sadly i ran out of good make-up and had to use a really crappy cheap brand, and with mt dark and course facial hair even after i shave that just reads ''man''. So at work i was having a small panic attack, or fight , flight or freeze response. Basically, my therpaist told me something strange... apprently, i am very dysphoirc and seeing anything male can trigger me to have a panic attack so my mind will try to ''adapt to the pain'' and force me to like it, it is something i had to do to live through abuse growing up. Issue is, it is impossible for me to truley like being male. The following day, the 7th i felt good in th emorning wearing a new dress shirt and went out for breakfast, and got new make up
!!! However, at theprapy i did a very small form of age-regression and apprently i was MAD!.. like bititng, hitting the table and yelling.. bit of a blur to me now, but i do recall i was anxious the rest of day. I wasnt high-strung about goign back and relving abuse, i was actually angry about having to go back in a time where i was a ''him''. The following day i was tense and angry all day. I hair ripped, bit myself, and when i was mowing the lawn vaguley recall screaming and cursing at the sky and at god (which is odd as i dont really beleeive in one) for making me born male. I only calmed down after taking a fast acting anxiety med and was a zombie for rest of day.
The following day the 9th, i woke up as if i was the same normal person i normally am. I went for a drive, sang my heart out, went to a flower nursery.. life was great. I felt like my normal self with the female mind. It was great.. the proceeding week was, well typical. Until the 15th. I acknowledged something to myself '' If i truly learned to be comfortable with my womanhood 100%, i would never need to think of ''him''!! ''. This thought then produced a feeling i havent had in, maybe ever. A complete and total disconect from anything ''male''. It was the best thing ever, i felt totally connected to myself. I recall the next few days, the 16th, 17th and 18th being so peaceful. I went for hikes around town, bike riding, being connected to nature by this place called the Emerald Necklace trial. I thought about my life, and thinks again were never clearer in my life. I knew where i wanted to be, what i should be doing, how i can help my family with a certian situation, where i wanted to be in life and i just felt so euphoric. Esepciially durning the day of the 17th and basically all day of the 18th. I never ever felt so clear minded. I felt a bit of love for myself.
Then, wednesday night happened. See, i was still getting dysphoria here and there but it got bad later, especially into thursday. I was getting dysphoric about a few male things on me (penis, faical hair still) ect. So this pain and anxiety turned into the fight or flight situation. I had to ignore it but it was still playing. Then i learned to not be distubed when i see male-ness, just ignore it.. i didnt like it at all, but dont let it attack you.. which lead my mind to fixating on ''how it didnt bother you to a panic attack, so you must be male'' and not being able to connect to my life again. This has persited since
. I see a beautiful girl in the mirror, my mind yells ''man'' so i have a panic attack because i hate being associated with manhood. But thats the thing, it still happens. I felt super yestarday morning connecting to my womanhood but around 2 pm, maleness ideas popped back agaun and i felt depressed . I felt like i was a fake, just a dude in drag. I was laying in bed, and when i was about to re-conect to myself i began to feel anxious, why? because when i was able to connect to myself my mind would then try pumping images of men into my head, as if to say ''you can be happy and then connect to them'' which would then plummet my mood. Last night, i decided to do my hair and felt good.. but then, my mind was boggled with how much of a fake i am as i still have ''him'' somwhere. I couldnt barley even sleep, i was tossing and turning for hours, when i did get to sleep i had bizzare and weird dreams. It wasnt good
Today, I felt better as i felt myself a bit, or at the very least didnt feel ''male''. But when looking at a mirror and seeing bread shadow while wearing expensive make-up i crashed and burned a bit.
See, no matter what ''he'' will always ruin me. For so long i was primed to be a man, and that hasnt ever left. Sure i hated it, but if my mind can still ''connect'' regardless of dyphsoira and push away happy feminine feelings, then what does that say? I am tired of making all this progress but havibg ''him'' pop back in. I feel likei should go back. The good news is, if i go back i may feel suicidal again. Maybe that is the only way to get rid of ''him''. Im just tired of this, all this hard work and happniess for nothing.
