hi
ive come back tot he site after a long break. everything in life went pearshaped and i put my gender issues tot he back of my mind,infact i tried to forget them. but they dont go away. so here i am again. since been gone i never got away from my body and mind being wrong.any sexual encounter i reverted to female and the feelings that came with that. day to day from waking in the morning and seeing the wrong body to night i felt down. i have since got my mental health issues more under control and accepted inside im just female.ive had some trouble legal wise and paid for it but it helped as well. since then i have been on antiandrogens through the doctor although not feamale hormones as my transitionas u may call it is intended to be slow.i had to get rid of testosterone the consensus from the docs was it caused a lot of problems menatly and bodily.i wont say i hated the male reation to things but body reactions just upset me. now i have extreemly los testosterone which the doc says is ok for now,the lack of alternative hormones is not a problem. the effects of no errections and the shrinkadge of both penis and testicles has made me feel good in myself and bodily wise.i have other meds for mental health and hiv ect that indirectly have helped. the inducement of breast growth although limited is noticable infact to the point i noticable have them now.doc said a problem for most but what i wanted. because of my hiv i am medicaly monitored so things are
watched.my hiv nurse didnt know im trans(at the moment i like tot think of myself as mixed gender) and commented i had pronounced breast growth to which i smiled and said im trans im so pleased.she smiled and said good side effect then, they look good.the clinic are very understanding and as i tuck quite effectivly treat me as female,the doc saying if i didnt know id think u are female down there. we have had discussions over my presentation and i have explained that originaly i assumed basicaly that i had to be the traditional woman,now as she explaine its how u want to present. i have told her i feel butch and always will.i think of myself like the point where a trans guy and trans woman meet in the transition.i have met another trans woman like me who has the same opinion,why cant i look part manly but bodily be female.i have always had a rounded body but im 6"2 and to be shall we say a model would be impossible and infact do more damage mentally trying to achieve something impossible for me.i explained this to the doc and she said if u had the op and were naked in fron of me id just think u were either a trans man whoed stopped before completion or a very butch female, infact at the moment with ur tucking and breasts u pass for female anyway which made me feel so good.i do want the op sometime but i have decided id prefer the cosmetic one as a full vagina is not needed and dont want to risk the extra poss complications.she told me if i start hormones then with the breast growth already she wouldnt be supprised if they become to a size and shape there would be no doubt about seeing them as
female.day to day i have been assuming a more female way to life. i now wear female jeans with no problem them looking
correct.im not a dress person and don see why i should be.the lack of testosterone has helped no end.i feel i have to be happy for myself not what others expect.if im crude i may look butch but when near naked or naked theres no doubt im female. life is
improving.im not going to try the imoppsible and make myself look a fool i want the possible.i think the ,well again been crude,aquiring a proper vagina and breasts is important but the first step was killing the male actions. the offshoot of this was shrinkage sspecially of the penis which is really good and almost clit like. im going to grow my hair a bit but again not over do it. all in all a good progress.slow but good. my gp said having been my mental health provider for some time,its what u need,the body op would just be natural for u,the rest is as u think. i asked how the gender clinic would see it and he said with his and the psychiatrists reports they should accept ur feelings of presentation as wholy acceptable for u.people on here were right the feelings dont go away u just have to find a way that works for u.
