I hate being this way

[Cindy]

Our perspective on life is always interesting. I hated being trans and I sure loathed trying to be a male. Accepting that I was female of course meant that I needed to accept that I was transgender. It was an intermediary step to just being me and yes, it had lots of rough times and many many tears, heartbreaks and doubt but it was a passing phase. I am now just me and I know now what I am; a woman.

Perspective is as I said interesting. He sought death, he had little interest in life and only the spark of cindy kept him alive. Somehow we did manage to survive.

I was then faced with the challenge as Cindy. Do you want to die or live? It is your choice and if you choose death then we will give the best palliative care available and your death will be one of peace. If you choose life it will mean radical surgery, pain. loss of ability and struggle.

I suppose I could call it 'Cindy's Choice'.

I chose life and yes I did think about it.

"I hate being this way". I understand that but try if you can to look forward a bit. The transition times are short, most of it is up to you and life is pretty wonderful.
What you make of it is up to you.

[Chloe]

Hey Kiera, my ex is a "he". We still talk, but it's all too confusing for me.

OMG so sorry Nicki for not keeping up with people's BIO here . . . been a while should be reading more than posting!! The 'he' part actually strikes closer to home for me: kid's and I merely put up with the 'ex-wife' part. LOL I often protest she's 'your mother' with 'no relation' to me (being divorced).

All through high school, university I had a gay admirer/lover named Glenn who's 'coming out' proved instrumental to my trans discovery as well. Needless to say it proved more hurtful to him than me. As it turned out we both wanted each other to be something we were not been in a distant 'truce' ever since.

Almost 40 years later I still feel fondness, loyality toward him was very close to his family as well. There's an old thread where I talk more about him "here".

[Charlie Nicki]

Our perspective on life is always interesting. I hated being trans and I sure loathed trying to be a male. Accepting that I was female of course meant that I needed to accept that I was transgender. It was an intermediary step to just being me and yes, it had lots of rough times and many many tears, heartbreaks and doubt but it was a passing phase. I am now just me and I know now what I am; a woman.

Perspective is as I said interesting. He sought death, he had little interest in life and only the spark of cindy kept him alive. Somehow we did manage to survive.

I was then faced with the challenge as Cindy. Do you want to die or live? It is your choice and if you choose death then we will give the best palliative care available and your death will be one of peace. If you choose life it will mean radical surgery, pain. loss of ability and struggle.

I suppose I could call it 'Cindy's Choice'.

I chose life and yes I did think about it.

"I hate being this way". I understand that but try if you can to look forward a bit. The transition times are short, most of it is up to you and life is pretty wonderful.
What you make of it is up to you.

Cindy, thanks for your message. Your story does relate to me because I think about dying every single day, I just don't have the guts to do it, and don't want to do that to my mother but it's definitely a relieve to think that this can all end suddenly. I don't want to sound overdramatic, I'm just being honest, the thought is on the back of my mind all the time. I just feel like life is pointless.

Where did you find the strength and courage to be yourself? I thought I had it but it slipped away from my fingers after my breakup.


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[Charlie Nicki]

OMG so sorry Nicki for not keeping up with people's BIO here . . . been a while should be reading more than posting!! The 'he' part actually strikes closer to home for me: kid's and I merely put up with the 'ex-wife' part. LOL I often protest she's 'your mother' with 'no relation' to me (being divorced).

All through high school, university I had a gay admirer/lover named Glenn who's 'coming out' proved instrumental to my trans discovery as well. Needless to say it proved more hurtful to him than me. As it turned out we both wanted each other to be something we were not been in a distant 'truce' ever since.

Almost 40 years later I still feel fondness, loyality toward him was very close to his family as well. There's an old thread where I talk more about him "here".

Maybe I read too quickly but I couldn't find your post about him. In any case, you don't need to apologize for not knowing my backstory lol there's so many of us here that it's hard to keep up.


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[fairview]

I rarely contribute because I think my perspective is so very different than the majority.  Beyond our opposite sexual orientations we are very similar in our thoughts.  I don't know if I am trans, non binary or the product of DES.  Saying I hate being the way I am does not even scratch the surface of those feelings.  I do not think anyone would intentionally chose to be born with the challenges that we are.  Who among us would chose to be born male of female knowing at some future unspecified time would experience an unquenchable drive to change genders?  I would rather been born male or female and have been satisfied to be that gender rather than have this inexplicable drive to be the other. 

Transition to me is a journey, perhaps even an adventure on a path  It can be fast, it can be slow, it can stop and start and restart again and again and it can detour from the main path.  Transition has as many definitions as there are people experiencing it.  Transition can be medical, social and with or without surgical intervention.  I have transitioned medically.  I have found peace (for the most part) with the administration of cross gender hormones.  I am 60. I have been on estrogen for more than 10 years with, at this time, no intention of socially transitioning, the price for social transitioning is greater than I am willing to pay.  But I accept that could change tomorrow morning, next month next year or never.  I will deal with that when I have to.

I read from your comments that you are very concerned about the opinion of your friends in coming out then changing your mind.  The people who you consider to be your true friends should be standing strongly by your side willing to help you if asked.  Your friends may not understand or appreciate the challenges in your life at this moment but they should be willing to be a rock in your life that you can lean on right now.  If not they are not and have never been a friend. 

Decisions can either be easy or hard.  At my age I really can't remember an easy decision that was also the right decision however I can bore you to death about the right decisions I have made that were some of the toughest in my life.  Continuing transition after coming out would have been the easy decision and the wrong one - for you right now.

I really hope you find your path again and stay that course until you reach your destination, no matter what that is.  I hope you find a similar peace that I have found.

[Charlie Nicki]

I rarely contribute because I think my perspective is so very different than the majority.  Beyond our opposite sexual orientations we are very similar in our thoughts.  I don't know if I am trans, non binary or the product of DES.  Saying I hate being the way I am does not even scratch the surface of those feelings.  I do not think anyone would intentionally chose to be born with the challenges that we are.  Who among us would chose to be born male of female knowing at some future unspecified time would experience an unquenchable drive to change genders?  I would rather been born male or female and have been satisfied to be that gender rather than have this inexplicable drive to be the other. 

Transition to me is a journey, perhaps even an adventure on a path  It can be fast, it can be slow, it can stop and start and restart again and again and it can detour from the main path.  Transition has as many definitions as there are people experiencing it.  Transition can be medical, social and with or without surgical intervention.  I have transitioned medically.  I have found peace (for the most part) with the administration of cross gender hormones.  I am 60. I have been on estrogen for more than 10 years with, at this time, no intention of socially transitioning, the price for social transitioning is greater than I am willing to pay.  But I accept that could change tomorrow morning, next month next year or never.  I will deal with that when I have to.

I read from your comments that you are very concerned about the opinion of your friends in coming out then changing your mind.  The people who you consider to be your true friends should be standing strongly by your side willing to help you if asked.  Your friends may not understand or appreciate the challenges in your life at this moment but they should be willing to be a rock in your life that you can lean on right now.  If not they are not and have never been a friend. 

Decisions can either be easy or hard.  At my age I really can't remember an easy decision that was also the right decision however I can bore you to death about the right decisions I have made that were some of the toughest in my life.  Continuing transition after coming out would have been the easy decision and the wrong one - for you right now.

I really hope you find your path again and stay that course until you reach your destination, no matter what that is.  I hope you find a similar peace that I have found.

Hey Fairview, I really appreciate your post! Thanks for the message. I am feeling a bit better, for some reason it is harder in the mornings, I wake up feeling like crap but slowly get better throughout the day. It's definitely an improvement from a week ago when I was feeling horrible the entire day.

I really want to get my strength back to continue my transition. Deep down I feel it is the best for me. I just need to overcome my fears.

And you are right about my friends. Thankfully they've told me they'll be there no matter what and that makes me feel better.

You say you hate the way you are yet it seems you found your balance and your happiness. That's so great! I hope I can find mine soon.

And you should definitely contribute more often we can all use different perspectives.

Hugs!


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[ColoTex2890]

I know the feeling, I am not happy with my life as it is yet I seem to be unable to let it go. My marriage is unstable at best yet I can't let it go, my relationships are based on a lie, I hate my body every single day of my life yet I can't get the courage to do the one thing I know will actually make me happy. I really do empathize with your situation Charlie Nicki. Hang in there, hope things get better for you soon!

[Jessica]

I'm sorry you're feeling so depressed.  Sounds kind of like a glass half full/ or half empty type situation to me.  Or could be you need a different size glass.     Maybe it might help if you sat down and made a list of all the things you like about being transgender and all the things you hate.

Hey Dani, Jane has a good idea with the list.  If you can narrow it down to the most important, then see how the pro's and con's work in your life.
Hugs, Jessica

[Charlie Nicki]

Thanks Jessica and Colo!


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