Came out to my wife yesterday

[MoonlitMariah]

Friday I came out to my wife and it did not go well, she was devastated of course.  I let her tell anyone she needed to for support, so her family and some of our friends from church know now.  So, I'm out to the world in a trickle down kind of way.  I accepted this would be the case if there was any hope of things working out.  I'm not ashamed of who I am, I have to keep my head on that.  I'm now feeling like a scarlet T is being put on my shirt by her and her family.  My identity is really just the devil, I'm destroying my daughters life, and the crazy liberals have brainwashed me. If I hadn't grappled with all of these things so long inside myself, having them ripped back open might not be so hard, and doing so while supporting my wife as much as I possibly can.  She is angry, she is saying so many hurtful things, but I'm letting her because she is grieving so hard, I think that is the right thing to do for now.

Lots of love,
Mariah

[Kendra]

Mariah,

Here's a warm hug, I wish I was there to comfort you. 

I am sorry you had to deal with this painful conversation, I can only imagine how difficult yesterday was for you and for your wife.  I absolutely believe you did the right thing - you are proceeding with your life. 

I hope over time your wife will understand or at least acknowledge you for being honest.  Even if she does, chances are not all of the people you know will be there for you.  At that point one thing is certain: you will know which people are your true friends, and which ones were just acquaintances you happened to know. 

As part of a younger generation your daughter may be more accepting, I hope. 

Kendra

[JoanneB]

One BIG Hug

BTW - You are Perfectly Normal. It went Spectacularly BAD

I heard for months, the Betrayal. The "I did NOT marry a woman". The "No Sane Person WANTS to a 50 y/o Woman"

In my case my wife was too ashamed to say to her friends, family and others, what was really up. Instead she chose the same excuse I had.... I was involved with another woman.  OK technically the "Other Woman" was me but that was a mere minor detail.

Over time, as I Finally took on the Trans-Beast for real, she saw how I was growing as a person. We had MANY all difficult open and honest talks. Filters generally off in spite of wanting them full-on.  Today, some 8 years later, she is not thrilled about what both our lives have become. She also, as I, come to love the other even more intensely then ever before.

Take it slowly. You had a lifetime to BARELY get a handle on being trans. In comparison, she has had mere milli-Seconds. Too much, too fast is a recipe for disaster. Unless, of course, her "too much" is your, I Need this to see another day.

[sf_erika]

This is a big step.  No matter what happens and how rocky the road becomes, you can at least start living more honestly. 

Also, I'm sure you know (and worry) enough about the potentially bad ways your relationship could turn out from here.  Here's a note of encouragement... good outcomes are possible.  My wife and I are closer to each other than ever, and even went through a second honeymoon phase shortly after she started accepting it.  We've had our rough patches.  But I'm becoming more and more confident now that she'll love and accept me as I continue on my journey. 

Good luck!

Erika


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[Denise]

Mariah,

    I'm sorry she wasn't accepting right out of the gate.  But as I was reminded many times, I had decades to think about this, your wife has had seconds/minutes/hours/days.  Let her take the lead for a while.  I suggest you find other things to talk about and for heavens sake, don't do anything out of your normal-self for a while.  By anything I mean, shave your legs, pierce your ears, sit differently, start HRT, talk differently.  Basically put-a-sock-in-it for a while.  If she wants to talk about it, good.  Don't keep bringing it up.

     In my case it took a serious decline in my mental health for her to understand I needed to do something.  As soon as I started (again) on HRT she declared that our marriage was over and eventually it would be divorce.  BUT, we are both going to be better off and we are (or will) probably become better friends like we were many decades ago. 

     There are a number of ways this can go for you and whatever happens you have to believe you will be okay, because you will be.

Hugs and thinking about you
- Denise