Did hormones stregnthen your gender identity?

[Cailan Jerika]

Last week my doctor increased my T to a full dose, and for the first time I've felt my male side become completely dominant. I am Cailan in ways I never thought I would be. When I first started I was worried that I would react badly to T, because I'm non-binary and I wasn't sure my brain was completely right for T. Instead I discovered I feel amazing, and so completely true to myself and excited and happy. I'm 95 percent guy right now, and loving it. My girl is still in there and content to wait in the wings at the moment because I'm maintaining my femme presentation. My plans were to be on T for a year or two, get simple meta, and detransition. but now I cant imagine ever quitting T and going back to the way things were. But I have a feeling that as my body changes become more obvious, my female side will start sending up the distress signals (dysphoria) I'm so familiar with from years of suppressing my male side.

Additionally, as Cailan, I'm bi and accept my spouse's MtF transition. As Cailan I can see her, love her, desire her breasts and long, soft curly hair. Jade, my straight female side, only sees the husband she knew for 28 years and hates the idea of losing her handsome, masculine man, and is fighting it every step of the way.

The middle ground, when I'm not really one or the other (for this I use my birth name), has virtually disappeared.

I am such a mess.

[Dena]

I haven't worked with enough bigender/gender fluid to get a good feel for this but I have seen in the past where changing the dominant hormone causes people's gender identity to stabilize. The first case was a MTF who after starting HRT stabilized on the feminine side. With the FTMs, I have seen several who were unsure about what they wanted but after starting T, turned strong mostly masculine.

For me, the removal of T just eliminated the depression and discomfort I felt however I was already starting from a binary position.

Unfortunately only time will tell exactly where you will end up because some end up a mix of both. It that case, the best solution seems to be to pick the one you are most often and live with the dysphoria on the few days that you have it.

[widdershins]

For me personally, I can't say it did. My physical dysphoria has been much improved by T, as has my mental health, but my gender identity is still firmly neither male nor female.

Part of me was kind of hoping I would start to feel masculine, just because that seems like it'd be so much easier.  But I am what I am.

[Cailan Jerika]

I feel like every day my masculine side takes just a little bit more of who I am. I've had some girly days recently, but not only do I spent more time in guy mode, I'm not sure I WANT girl mode. Guy mode *feels* better. When I'm in girl mode that feeling of wanting that side of me gone entirely evaporates and I really enjoy being a girl, but I still recognize that being a guy feels amazing in comparison. Perhaps it's only because full-time guy mode is still new to me. I was planning on simple meta, but now I'm also considering additional bottom surgery. By the time I finally get in to a surgeon consult (at least a year from now) I'm sure I'll have this nailed down a lot better. But both sides still agree that my femme presentation is preferable.

[JoanneB]

For me HRT helped a lot to clear the fog and bring more clarity to my mind about how this path is Mine and what I needed to follow. Over time aided by the emotional changes the joy of the physical changes just added to reinforcement of my true self that I tried so hard in vain to keep locked away in the deepest darkest and dankest dungeons of my soul

[Ayla]

For me HRT helped a lot to clear the fog and bring more clarity to my mind about how this path is Mine and what I needed to follow. Over time aided by the emotional changes the joy of the physical changes just added to reinforcement of my true self that I tried so hard in vain to keep locked away in the deepest darkest and dankest dungeons of my soul

Joanne says this far more eloquently than I could.  For me the HRT helped me unlock the dungeon that I had locked myself in.  It introduced colour, confidence and a sense of truth and authenticity that I had not experienced.  The emotional spectrum and the enriching of my relationships with others and myself just felt so right.  I think that the hrt works alongside your physical changes and growing sense of self to take you where you know that you should be.  Whether this is to a specific destination, a fluid state or just propels you on your journey of discovery  doesn't really matter.

As a wise friend said to me earlier today our journey is one of discovery.  It is one of unpacking, discovering, expressing and celebrating our authentic self.  I know that HRT has been pivotal in my journey and its influence has been progressive, sometimes subtle, but always positive.

Safe travels

Aisla