Locked in a cage

[Larisa]

I got that old feeling after last night dressing up which I have not done in awhile. Like I can be dressed up in my girl clothes in my house and be me but when I step out the door, I have to be this guy to everyone. It sucks cause I want to be able to walk out that door and be me. I end up feeling locked in a cage basically.

Like oh I have to leave alright all my girly clothing comes off minus wearing panties no one can see ofcourse. It goes beyond the clothes aswell. It's kind of why I stopped dressing up to be me is I knew it could only be temporary even though I never want it to be.

One day I hope to be me and not be stuck.

[tgirlamg]

One day I hope to be me and not be stuck

Larisa!... I hope this for you too because anything less than being ourself is a sad way to live indeed

I have to be this guy to everyone

I think it can sometimes be the case in life that we carry assumptions about what we "have to do" without questioning... Without looking nearly as deeply as we should until much later when what we "have to do"... becomes...undoable...

Everything we do in this life is a choice ... I hope you can see choices ahead in your life that will take you to where you want to find yourself!!!

Onward we go brave sister...

Ashley 🌻

[Laurie]

I got that old feeling after last night dressing up which I have not done in awhile. Like I can be dressed up in my girl clothes in my house and be me but when I step out the door, I have to be this guy to everyone. It sucks cause I want to be able to walk out that door and be me. I end up feeling locked in a cage basically.

Like oh I have to leave alright all my girly clothing comes off minus wearing panties no one can see ofcourse. It goes beyond the clothes as well. It's kind of why I stopped dressing up to be me is I knew it could only be temporary even though I never want it to be.

One day I hope to be me and not be stuck.

  I went though a period where I woke up and dressed completely, wig, makeup and all for work. Then I reluctantly took every bit of it off and changed into my male work clothes. I did this pretty much daily for awhile. Many days I was late for work because of it. I hated changing back, but I could not do otherwise. I had a good job, was respected for the work I did, was a husband and a father. I could not be the woman it wished I could be.

  I know your plight, but someday you will be able to be who you want to be. Hang in there.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Sinclair]

I got that old feeling after last night dressing up which I have not done in awhile. Like I can be dressed up in my girl clothes in my house and be me but when I step out the door, I have to be this guy to everyone. It sucks cause I want to be able to walk out that door and be me. I end up feeling locked in a cage basically.

Like oh I have to leave alright all my girly clothing comes off minus wearing panties no one can see ofcourse. It goes beyond the clothes aswell. It's kind of why I stopped dressing up to be me is I knew it could only be temporary even though I never want it to be.

One day I hope to be me and not be stuck.

It depends on your goal and how safe it is for you to explore further outside your house. It also depends on how long you have lived there and what the neighbor status is .. the same people, or continuous influx of new people? I have been through what you are expressing. Some of this is developing comfort levels to your own appearance. I used to call my house the "bird cage." I'm safe there, but what happens when I leave the cage as me? Over time I have slowly introduced my self, so far so good. 

[Rachel]

I know people that bring cloths to group and/or the LGBT center and change. Then they go in the queer community and group as themselves. I use to wear dark sunglasses. For some reason it helped heaps.

I remember when I would come from work and go to group in male cloths. It was depressing. Then I joined a LGBT gym (12 Street Gym) and changed in a secure locker room ( I talked to the owner and he was wonderful and has several trans on staff). Then I would go to group and then home dressed as me. I was scared to do this at first. Then I was ok. Then I eventually I went full time. Somewhere along the line I had GCS and now change in the woman's locker room.

I remember some advise from a trans woman at group and sometimes repeat it in my head when I am self conscious and am about to do something uncomfortable. She said she would say to herself, firetruck it, I can do this. Then do it. Repeat the, firetruck it, as many times as needed. Courage is being afraid yet still doing what you fear. Transwoman ( transmen too) need to build our agency. Ability to do things even though we are afraid. It takes many acts just beyond out comfort to build agency. I had a recent BA. For 2 weeks I was self conscious and afraid of what others were thinking of me. I love how I fill a top and the fear vanished somewhere along the two week period.

It takes time and little steps just beyond your comfort zone. Eventually you will get there.

I would never dress in male cloths now. I would never dress in a male locker room, even before expressing, and now I would never dress in a neutral locker room.

Male locker rooms were very embarrassing when I was young. I had very small genitals ( my penis would withdraw inside me and my scrotum was small). There would be comments so I would basically go to an area where there was no one and change with my back facing the open locker door. At 11 I no longer went in male locker rooms.

I realize my fear stopped me from doing things I wanted to do. My agency has helped me at work and things beyond being trans.

[Jamie Xu]

Totally understand, I'm in the same boat or cage. I do wear female running gear when I go for my runs though. I wear a normal sweater out to my car, drive to where I run, take the sweater off and go.

[Rachel_Christina]

I used to do this, I stopped dressing because at the time I thought I would never be out and never be a girl.
Of course I am only half out, so when it comes to work days I still must hide.
You will get through it, be chill, don't worry to much, but keep in your mind that you are to advance your transition. Do little things that move you forward all the time

[Gertrude]

  I went though a period where I woke up and dressed completely, wig, makeup and all for work. Then I reluctantly took every bit of it off and changed into my male work clothes. I did this pretty much daily for awhile. Many days I was late for work because of it. I hated changing back, but I could not do otherwise. I had a good job, was respected for the work I did, was a husband and a father. I could not be the woman it wished I could be.

  I know your plight, but someday you will be able to be who you want to be. Hang in there.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I thought I was the only one


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[Laurie]

I thought I was the only one

  LOL Apparently not, Trudy. It could be we have more in common than we thought. But this is  Larisa's thread.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Larisa]

I thought I was the only one


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For years I thought I was the only one like me in the world. I did not know there were other people who felt as I did. Until about 5 to 6 years ago, I felt alone in who I was.

[Larisa]

Ive been trying to do a few things to be more me outside. Im trying to lose some weight to bring out my more female figure around my hips. My hair while below my neck I might have some success finally getting rid of the thinning finally. Ive also saved almost 500$s for facial hair removal.

Just that would make me feel a bit more like me.

[Laurie]

Ive been trying to do a few things to be more me outside. Im trying to lose some weight to bring out my more female figure around my hips. My hair while below my neck I might have some success finally getting rid of the thinning finally. Ive also saved almost 500$s for facial hair removal.

Just that would make me feel a bit more like me.

Larisa,

  That's great that you are working in positive ways to keep moving forward. Remember as many have said over and over this is a marathon, a process of taking what steps we can when we can. Some of those will be big steps  but most will be small Each and every one is important in moving forward and making progress toward your goal.

Keep moving Larisa,
Hugs,
   Laurie

[CarlyMcx]

If your facial hair is black or mostly black, try laser.  It is cheaper than electrolysis and will get you fast results.

Also, find a makeup store (MAC or Ulta are the best). Even if you have to drive all day, the value of the experience and the interaction is beyond price.

How you handle facial hair and makeup are the keys to being accepted as a woman even if you are not passable and getting your face taken care of will boost your confidence a hundred fold.