My best friend might be toxic for me???

[eyesk8rboi]

So my best friend, while I have no doubt she's a genuine friend, and deep down cares for me, she really sucks at showing it and is really getting under my skin with her self-centered and holier-than-thou attitude.
I love her to death and I have a lot of fun with her....But like literally the only thing that she's been supportive of is my transitioning, and at this point, I think that's just because it makes her feel better about herself...Plus she gets clothes and makeup out of it.
And I understand that a lot of "cis" people are allies, I am not one of those people who has anything against cis-gender people, or heterosexual LGBT allies, and she's not a generally offensive person, but as my self proclaimed best friend she is the person who mis-genders me the most....Like I feel like my mother is trying harder than she is...and my mom isn't really trying.

Every time I do something she doesn't "approve" of I get talked down too and lectured.
Every time I have an idea she never gets excited for me, or with me, she just nods and looks at me with some kind of weird forced smile like I'm some kind of pitiful village idiot who will never amount to anything.
She's worse than my mother about being all up in my business and being over-opinionated on my choices.

I am a very open person and I love to share and possibly OVER share with the people in my life, but she literally makes me want to not tell her anything!

I've wanted to be a police officer for a really long time, and I'm really out of shape, and I'm a big chicken so I've never followed through, but now that my young, pregnant aunt has passed away, I am just in this SEIZE THE DAY, FOLLOW YOU DREAMS, REACH FOR THE STARS kind of awakening and it's rekindled my passion and want...I want to quit smoking, up the cardio to strengthen my lungs and endurance (asthma sucks) and hit the weight training hard because I want to be a police officer, K9 unit officer and then eventually a detective.

I was telling my friend and she just DOO-DOOED all over it...She literally makes me feel self conscious and stupid, and like I make poor life choices, when my life choices are far better than hers and I actually have my ->-bleeped-<- together. 
She was all, "You wanna be a cop?" (in condescending tone), "I don't think you can be a cop if you're transitioning", "I support you" (in condescending tone), "You need to stop smoking for sure." (DUH I ALREADY SAID I WAS GOING TOO AND I WOULD PROBABLY BE ALMOST COMPLETELY QUIT RIGHT NOW IF I HADN'T GONE THROUGH A SUPER TRAUMATIC LOSS....UM....LAST FREAKING WEEK!)

.....Now let's back up a little....The girl I'm taking to is a girl I've dated before....She didn't even want to hear about this girl at first....and now that I seem happy she just seems SO un-approving us getting together.

She says she's not a co-dependent person but when I don't want to do something with her she LITERALLY pouts, and when I go to Alabama to spend time with family or have my "not"-girlfriend down for the weekends she gets all passive aggressive jealous at me.

So....fast forwarding again.....I lost my aunt last week very unexpectedly....I'm still grieving...I'm still traumatized. Now...I know that I agreed way before hand to make my friend a costume for an upcoming convention, so I am obligated to do the thing....HOWEVER....WE BURIED MY YOUNG, PREGNANT, AUNT LIKE LAST FREAKING WEEK...and she's like "When are we going to work on my costume, when are you going to feel like sewing, can we work on it?" ......My aunt was like a sister to me and I am taking her loss even hard than my grandparents are....And she just has the nerve to not only nag me about something trivial, that is literally going to take me like 5 hours tops to make one weekend when I have free time...and to literally complain to me about super petty, unrelated drama crap that has nothing to do with me.

She was already getting on my nerves before this happened, because she's really overwhelming and I've just been around her too much....So I was supposed to take some me-time according to my therapist, but I didn't get to do that because of the loss, then I had company, which I wanted to see her, but I haven't really had any time to just be alone and process things....AAAAAHHHHHGGGG.

I suck at telling people to buzz off, especially people I'm close to, and in a police manner....Like I have no idea how to tell her that she really overwhelming me, making me feel bad, and getting under my skin....And I definitely don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings....But at the same time she kind of needs to know that she's being a s***** person.

...help

[KageNiko]

She sounds like a total user.  I'd make a list of all the things that she has done that were offensive, including the dates they happened.  Track them for a bit and then talk to her about them, and emphasize how you need her support now more than anything, and if she can't be there for you then maybe you two should take a break from each other for a while.  Apologize for the costume thing.  If she supported you, then you might be up to it sooner, but constantly nagging about it just makes it worse.  *Hugs*

I'm sorry for your loss dear, and I don't mean to be too harsh on your friend, but it sounds like a good conversation is in order there, or else you're just going to keep festering on the problem until you decide to cut the relationship entirely without addressing the problem, and giving it a chance to correct itself.

Love,
Ashley.

[Elis]

Sounds like she has a personality issue. Tbh I'd drop her. You deserve a friend who is supportive of you. If you want to live life to the full you need to not waste time on people who only care for themselves. A good friend or decent person doesn't make you doubt yourself or your personality. There's nothing wrong with over sharing and wanting to share things with others. And you can definitely become a police officer if you want too.

If you say to her these are things you've done that are hurtful; she'll only make it about herself and not be able to empathise or act sorry and then carry on with the exact same behaviour.

[Lady Sarah]

I guess you have a couple of options. You could ignore her, or you could plead for a moment of peace, as you are going through a tough time.
I often find that asking for a moment of peace works well for me, when those around me ask too much and I get overwhelmed. When that fails, I have a set of noise cancelling headphones.

[eyesk8rboi]

Yeah....I love her so much, I really do consider her my best friend and I know she means well...So I've just been trying to keep my distance for a while. Still talking and seeing each other at work, and maybe talking a little after work but without the hanging out.

I actually put my foot down with her today, and I thought it would feel really nice, but it really didn't....She's just so damn harsh.

I'm on a budget mind you....But I do know how to eat remotely healthy on said budget. My budget was unfortunately VERY tight this past grocery day so I could only afford a bunch of instant noodles and this was the conversation:

Her: Grilled chicken, grilled chicken and more grilled chicken.

Me: Haha...Same...Only mine is 75 cent noodles, 75 cent noodles, 75 cent noodles.

Her: -exasperated sigh-

Me: I'm on a budget this week.

Her: You're always on a budget. (She likes to constantly rub in that she has more expendable money than me because she has a roommate. And I also have a car payment and other bills that she does not.)

Me: Well yeah...but a tighter one than usual.

Her: I can help you make a grocery list.

Me: I know how to make a grocery list.

Her: With healthy stuff on it. (Mind you she is over-wright and suck at dieting...so she has no room to tell me what's healthy...when I already damn well know what's healthy and what's not.)

Me: I know how to buy relatively healthy things on a budget.

Her: ...

Me: You really need to watch what you say. I know you don't mean it, but you have this tendency to act like your better than other people, and it really make me feel crappy.

Her: Okay...I'm sorry.

Me: It's fine, just try to watch it please, because I always feel like you're talking down to me, when I know what the hell I'm doing.

Her: Oh...I'm sorry. 

The apology did not sound sincere and she did not look like she meant it, and actually looked at me like she was still feeling better than me....I was proud of myself, but not to the point that it actually felt great, because it didn't.

I don't want to get to a point where I literally cannot stand her at all, but I'm getting there.
Once I'm done with her stupid frikin costume she'd going to have to relax and let me have some me-time.

[FTMax]

I'd definitely drop her. What is the point of clinging to a relationship that isn't making you feel good about yourself? It'd be one thing if it was a few isolated incidents but it sounds like she just has a trash personality. Life is too short to put up with drama when you don't want it.

If nothing else, I'd let her stew in the truth bomb you just dropped on her. Be hard to reach for a few days.

[HoneyStrums]

Have you thought about how she  might be feeling? Death isn't an easy subject to approach and its difficult to talk about, Even when its not your loss.

If you love this friend, give them the chance to change, part of that means letting the friendship runs its course. Overtime she may become more aware of the effects she has on you, and make appropriate changes, or try too. And you may become better at dealing with her.

Living in fear of loosing a friend can sometime cause that to happen. If she is a true friend, and wants to be your friend, then arguments will continue until both sides are happy.

I think your friend does care, I think you care too. But from some of what you say, It appears as though you focus more on her reactions, and how her reactions make you feel, then how she feels to react that way. It looks like this is the same on both sides.


I can only go by  what you have written and some empathy gained from experiences like this situation.

 

[Julia1996]

I'm sorry you have to go through all that. I agree with everyone else. You need to drop her. Even if you love her as a friend. Sometimes you have to cut someone you love out of your life. It's hard I know but if they are totally stressing you out all the time why keep them in your life? From what you wrote it kind of seems like she isn't taking your transition seriously.
Julia

[eyesk8rboi]

She apologized for yesterday's incident again and more sincerely, but I'm the person that always says "It's fine, it just makes me feel really bad." ....I didn't even. I just said "Thank you." because I realized that the way she treats me sometimes is NOT fine.

The only thing that makes it awkward about dropping her is that we work together, and in addition to that I'm over her, not like her direct manager, but I'm in charge of training her on new things, and she goes to me before she's supposed to go to management if she has questions.... and she can be a malicious little ->-bleeped-<- so if we weren't friends anymore it would be really awkward and I wouldn't put it past her to do something really sneaky like screwing something up and blaming it on me not training her properly.

If nothing else, I'd let her stew in the truth bomb you just dropped on her. Be hard to reach for a few days.

Unfortunately I can't....She's already paid me to make the costume I'm making for her. But I straight up rage quit on her last night and did not sugar coat it. A month ago I started on it, and I cut the same piece of the costume out like 4 times and sewed it 3 different times before I was happy with it, since I'm making it for someone else, it mattered....She acted like it was fine and when we started working on the costume last night...A MONTH LATER she told me it was too tall and she was just going to order a new one...........................I was really butt hurt and I refused to sew, and I told her that I didn't feel like sewing because my feelings were hurt.

Have you thought about how she  might be feeling? Death isn't an easy subject to approach and its difficult to talk about, Even when its not your loss.

If you love this friend, give them the chance to change, part of that means letting the friendship runs its course. Overtime she may become more aware of the effects she has on you, and make appropriate changes, or try too. And you may become better at dealing with her.

Living in fear of loosing a friend can sometime cause that to happen. If she is a true friend, and wants to be your friend, then arguments will continue until both sides are happy.

I think your friend does care, I think you care too. But from some of what you say, It appears as though you focus more on her reactions, and how her reactions make you feel, then how she feels to react that way. It looks like this is the same on both sides.


I can only go by  what you have written and some empathy gained from experiences like this situation. 

I know that she grieved with me to an extent...but literally as soon as I got back she just bombarded me with petty drama that doesn't involve me...And the whole time I was in Alabama with my family she tried to make it about her.

I'm definitely going to limit the time I spend with her. Between that and the fact that I'm putting my foot down on what makes me feel ->-bleeped-<-ty I think she'll get the hint and realize that she needs to stop being a little b all the time if she wants to keep me in her life.

I definitely care, and I know deep down that she does too, but she really needs to adjust her behavior before she runs me off completely...Like the longer I know her, the worse she gets, and then I'm really not surprised that her relationships never last long at all, as awful as it is to say, I personally could never date someone like her and I don't blame anyone for getting out.

I'm sorry you have to go through all that. I agree with everyone else. You need to drop her. Even if you love her as a friend. Sometimes you have to cut someone you love out of your life. It's hard I know but if they are totally stressing you out all the time why keep them in your life? From what you wrote it kind of seems like she isn't taking your transition seriously.
Julia

Yeah.....I think I need to express to her that it bothers me that my own mother is trying harder and she's not really trying...I'm fine with her calling me Courtney rather than Steven for the most part, because we're at work and only a handful of people at work know, plus it's still my legal name...And I'm considering keeping it as my middle name...But like calling me "she" is really getting under my skin, because she's a self proclaimed ally and queer person, and my best friend, and she literally mis-genders me more than anyone. (Strangers don't count.)

[Julia1996]

I really like the name Steven. It suits you really well. About the misgendering, to me that is unforgivable. To me if someone I know misgenders me they are basically saying "yeah, I Don"t take you seriously and I don't consider you a man. (in my case a woman) I realize it can be hard at first but there is no reason to keep misgendering someone. It's not that difficult. In my case it was my mom. She used he and him all the time. Her excuse was that it was hard for her to get used to using she and her. I didn't buy it. Except for a couple of times when I first transitioned my dad and brother never misgender me. After my dad and brother both yelled at her a few times for doing it she miraculously, suddenly, remembered to use she and her. I can understand a few slip ups at first but if someone keeps misgendering you that tells me they don't consider you valid in your true gender. I'm not saying that's the deal with your friend. It's just how I would see it.
Julia

[eyesk8rboi]

I really like the name Steven. It suits you really well. About the misgendering, to me that is unforgivable. To me if someone I know misgenders me they are basically saying "yeah, I Don"t take you seriously and I don't consider you a man. (in my case a woman) I realize it can be hard at first but there is no reason to keep misgendering someone. It's not that difficult. In my case it was my mom. She used he and him all the time. Her excuse was that it was hard for her to get used to using she and her. I didn't buy it. Except for a couple of times when I first transitioned my dad and brother never misgender me. After my dad and brother both yelled at her a few times for doing it she miraculously, suddenly, remembered to use she and her. I can understand a few slip ups at first but if someone keeps misgendering you that tells me they don't consider you valid in your true gender. I'm not saying that's the deal with your friend. It's just how I would see it.
Julia

I think it's a lot easier for some people. The girl I'm taking too, she is like INSTANT...If someone goes "I'm trans" she is like They/Them, He/Him, She/Her like nobody's business and preferred names and everything!
It's hard for me personally if I'm known someone a while, but I always correct myself if I slip up, apologize and work harder to register it in my brain that like Candice is Gabriel now...Etc. I'm a LOT better than I used to be, obviously, but I'm always been good about correcting and apologizing if I slipped up.
I can understand with parents and family, considering they've literally known you as nothing else for how ever long it is before you come out...In my case, I've been Courtney-She for almost 24 years, so I can understand my parents having a harder time adjusting, and I don't really mind because they're my parents....if that makes sense? Like mom literally gave birth to me, I'm always going to be her daughter whether I am a man or not, and that from both ends, mine and hers.
But like it's also hard confronting her about it because even if I get disappointed when I pass, I'm not that person that snaps peoples heads off if they mis-gender me, but I guess it bothers me so much because she's my best friend and as an ally you think she would try harder. Like calling me Courtney is fine...I could honestly not care less what people call me for the most part, but she just uses female pronouns all the time and it's like she doesn't even stop to think about what she just said... -sigh-
It just sucks because I do love her, and I know that 95% of the time she really does mean well....she is just one of the most frustrating people I've ever dealt with in the long run.