Please remind me that it is worth it!

[Anne Blake]

Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart. Everything is lined up, all the paper work in, all the testing completed, reservations made, yada, yada, yada. So why am I falling apart. I feel so silly with what I want, no, what I absolutely need just around the corner and I am second guessing every decision I have made. I am regretting that first day that I put on a skirt and met myself. I would be trying to put on his old clothes if I had not given them all away (and if they would still fit). I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.

Anne

[Devlyn]

Big hug! A what the hell am i doing moment. Lord knows, we wouldn't have a forum without them. All I know is that lady looking at me from your avatar needs to follow her heart. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Anne Blake]

Thanks Devlyn, no matter what Moni or Laurie say about you, you are a sweetheart. And now you have me crying again!

Anne

[I Am Jess]

We all have periods where we wonder "what if?"  All I can tell you is that they have come fewer and farther apart as I have gone through the process and after GCS they have pretty much gone away completely.  I knew that I was going to be OK post-op because of all the encouraging stories I heard from my friends who had been through the process.  There isn't a day goes by now that I don't feel that I am blessed to have gone through all I have to be where I am today.  Of course your milage may vary but I wouldn't go back if you held a gun to my head.  Good girl!! 

[Devlyn]

Whatever they said about me....they're probably right. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Anne Blake]

thank you Jess, I know that I am being silly, your words are just what I need to hear. Anne

[Dan]

To doubt is human.

To have doubts is a daily problem for most if not all of us. It is so much easier, in theory, to just comply with the mainstream, if only we could!

In that photo, you look beautiful as a woman, so keep moving a long.

I wish you strength and calmness. Wish I could be there with a bunch of flowers and a smile at the end of the op.

[Gail20]

I''l try to remember to remind how good it is next week when I have GCS on the 11th. . . . hang in there . . .  it sure sounds like you're more than ready!!  :-)

[SadieBlake]

Anne, 14 weeks post op and I'm not saying it's been easy but no second thoughts and being finally past the hardest parts of healing with things beginning to feel normal is just great.

Also I rode my bike again today, not far but it didn't smart as much as it did last week.

So yes it's been worth it. I recommend you don't do one thing I did partly knowing it would keep my mind off of surgery -- I committed to prepare for an art show that I knew would occupy every waking moment of my last 5 weeks before GCS.

Hugs! You too Gail!

[Dena]

It may become the second most important day in your life with the first being your marriage. Pre surgical judders are perfectly normal as well as second guessing everything from setting everything up to your decision. Just try to relax and keep yourself distracted as much as possible. If you need me to tie you up and deliver you to the hospital after you get here, just let me know. I have a nice new bundle of rope and I can borrow the the company pickup to haul you in if needed. 

The surgery will be quick an painless and the hospital staff is good. Anything you require to make your stay more comfortable will be provided and if not, we can get it for you. Just think of it as your dream vacation.

[HappyMoni]

Anne,
   As long as I have known you, I have not gotten a vibe from you that you are prone to deceiving yourself. You came to the decision to have the surgery under the influence of the trans beast as we all do. I can't say it is the right decision or the wrong one, only you can. You know it is a pipe dream to think the  feelings have a chance of disappearing, so going there is not productive. I have a thought about testing the emotions of this thing. Tomorrow, why don't you and Deb pretend that you have decided to cancel your surgery. Go through the motions, talk with each other about what now after you have decided not to have the operation. Play your own devil's advocate. Then look at how it makes you feel. Surgery was right for me. I know how it would make me feel.
   My theory is this is the last gasp of the safe and secure past making a last ditch effort to hang on. I can tell you how right doing this has been  for me, but that is not you. I  would not talk you into doing something right for me but wrong for you.
   As for that Devil Lynn, did you ever see a mod stir up so much trouble? Bear hunting in a prom dress, now come on!

PS I am not signing this, so I  don't get in trouble, but Moni sends u her love.

[Laurie]

Anne,

  I'm sorry I didn't see this thread was yours or I would have responded sooner. I haven't been paying as much attention to the forum as I usually would. I've been ummm preoccupied with myself too much.

  What I want to know Tia is what happened to that woman the couldn't wait to leave to go get that last letter while I was there visiting with you? You know the one... The one that couldn't contain her joy in getting it and had to see about getting the fax off right away and get it in an envelope and in the mail to the surgeon's office? There were no doubts or fears or uncertainty in that woman I met. And then you have Debi at your side to hold your hand and soothe your tears. You cannot tell me for one second she isn't there for you.
  This is what you want. You made it plain to me. You will go and have this done and you will love the results. It is not an option anymore it is what you need to do. AND YOU KNOW IT! And you only have to read Monica's or Or Sadie Blake's or any of the other post op ladies' threads to know it is worth it. Beside you have to set another example for those that will follow you. (You know, people like me)
  Now you just stop this nonsense. Go put your big girl panties on and do what you know you have to do.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Dani]

Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart..... I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.

Anne

Pre-op jitters. Nothing unusual about that.

Anxiety is caused by concerns about post-op pain, post op results or even being accepted in your personal life.

For me, the morning after surgery, I felt much better emotionally, more calm and satisfied.

[EmmaLoo]

Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart. Everything is lined up, all the paper work in, all the testing completed, reservations made, yada, yada, yada. So why am I falling apart. I feel so silly with what I want, no, what I absolutely need just around the corner and I am second guessing every decision I have made. I am regretting that first day that I put on a skirt and met myself. I would be trying to put on his old clothes if I had not given them all away (and if they would still fit). I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.

Anne

Holy Cow, there's a lot to unpack there. If you're having issues with surgery anxiety that wouldn't be unusual although 6 weeks seems a little early for that. Based on the first part of your post it seems you have a trunkful of other hesitations about what you're doing and where you are going.

I'm no therapist but the last thing I would ever say to another trans person in emotional distress and displaying signs of trans-regret is to steam ahead and get the very surgery they seem conflicted over. Ummm. No, No, No. Slow down a bit. No one is holding a gun to your head. You need to do this on your terms when you are ready. Don't let peer pressure force you into a situation you don't want to be. There are no do overs with this surgery. They can't "Put it back the old way" if you find yourself revisited by the same feelings after the surgery. The real tragedy here would be going thru with it when you aren't 100% ready and committed.

I've seen quite a few people come to the edge, peek over, and take the trail back down to basecamp and regroup.

Sometimes, people need more time to evaluate and decide regarding these life changing decisions and that's OK. There's no light beyond the table if you bring the darkness with you.

[Dena]

If you are questioning your decision, I found a simple exercise that may not remove all the judders but will confirm that you have made the right decision. Think back to how you felt before you addressed your transgender issues and how unhappy/uncomfortable you were. Next remember how comfortable you have become with yourself through the transition process. In my case, I realize there wasn't any way I would willingly return to my former self and even living without surgery was preferable to returning to my former self. As I saw it, the only path open to me was to continue moving forward. Yes, I was very nervous about surgery and I replayed this argument more than once but each time I found no other option.

[SailorMars1994]

Your just nerve shot. This is of course the biggest surgery you will ever experince. It isnt something to be taken lightly. However, you have always came across of a reasonable and well adjusted woman. I am just a few miles behind where you are. I expect to be having that operation by Feb 2019 should everything go to plan (waaay to long if you ask me). You my dear, are just in a panic tizzy. I was in on last week, tho for very different reason. I doubted myself and thiught of what ifs and go backs... but i never put those clothes on or even came close. Becasue i know how unhappy i wouldbe and miserable. Just keep going girl, and us our brains as much as your can <3

[rmaddy]

Identity crises are mileposts on the road of transition.  They are going to happen if you are paying any attention at all.

[JB_Girl]

Tomorrow is six weeks until gcs and I am falling apart. Everything is lined up, all the paper work in, all the testing completed, reservations made, yada, yada, yada. So why am I falling apart. I feel so silly with what I want, no, what I absolutely need just around the corner and I am second guessing every decision I have made. I am regretting that first day that I put on a skirt and met myself. I would be trying to put on his old clothes if I had not given them all away (and if they would still fit). I would be seriously trying to stuff Genie back into her silly bottle but she just won't go! I just can't stop crying. Can some of you gals (or even guys) out there remind me that there is hope and light beyond the surgery table.....please.

Anne

Anne,
I had GCS four months ago and labiaplasty last week.  There is pain, emotional recovery, and an enormous time commitment to this final step of becoming whole.  I would joyfully do it again!  My body is as I've seen it since I was a child.  My heart is filled to overflowing with gratitude to the surgeons, the nurses, the people who have been here for me every step of the way.  You are standing very near the summit of the mountain of transition.  It is not far now.  Do not be afraid.

Namaste,
Julie

[jentay1367]

None of this is easy, is it? I wish I had some magic words that would make it easy or at least easier....but I don't, Anne. Based on all your sentient and balanced posts, I know you haven't entered any of this rashly. I suspect you're going through last minute jitters. I hope you'll be okay. You certainly have plenty of good souls here that want it to be. I'm one of them and hope it all falls together for you and your path becomes immaculately clear. I think it will, I really do.

[Anne Blake]

I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, they help a lot. I will get through these not so last minute jitters. I really have no worries about it being the right thing to do and I am not worried about the surgery, I do admit some concerns about the recovery but am fully ready to pay that cost to get past this step in my journey. There are still 5 weeks, 5 days and 23.5 hours until surgery so I fully expect to have some more melt downs and crying sessions between now and then. I have often said that I love the emotional part of this journey, the ability to really feel and care.....just sometimes I don't need to do it quite so much..maybe??? Once again, thank you for caring and I will try to not burden you all during my next dozen melt downs.

I do want to single out Laurie; they are only size 6 or mediums, not truly big girl panties.

Anne