Should an SO expect lying if they have a transgender spouse?

[elkie-t]

Have a look at TV series 'Fosters', two women love each other, and try to have some secrets now and then but come clean every time (I guess they aren't able to keep any secrets). Good model for honest and open relationships


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[HappyMoni]

I have been thinking about your thread and have something to add. (People who know me are not surprised by this.) I thought I would bring up something that I see happen a lot with trans folks. They do evolve as things go forward. Your partner may not realize how he/she will change. I thought I could do some minor changes and be satisfied basically not changing my life drastically. Little did I realize then, in my case, that I would have to fully transition. It is important to know that I was not lying about where my final destination would be, I did not know. I see people not need surgery, until some of them do, and feel a desperate need to do it, where before it  wasn't apparent to them at all. I don't bring this up to scare you. It is a reality to be aware of. I am so glad you are seeing the positive changes in your partner. My partner says I am happier, more at peace, kinder, more open, and have lost a lot of negatives. I wish more SO's like yourself see the positives that go along with this unusual situation. Take care!
Moni

[gallinarosa]

Moni, I 100% agree. I understand that this is an evolution (not just for him but for me too) and that either one of us can change, him even moreso. I don't expect him to know now what the future will bring. My original post was because I was taken aback to the clear lie to a direct question with a factual answer. (I'm with Elkie on that one). I know sometimes he is afraid of overwhelming me, but I have told him that if I ask, that means that I am ready for the answer (and need it). I would also be completely okay with him saying he is not ready to talk about something. I feel like that should give him a way out of answering so he doesn't have to intentionally deceive me.

I am finding that every day seems to uncover more thoughts and feelings from both of us, more layers, more intricacies, more self-discoveries, more closeness. It is kind of amazing. And kind of exhausting. (which is why, if I get spare time, I will likely sleep, not watch Fosters... but maybe one day... I will make a mental note to check into it)

[Lady Lisandra]

I applaud you and your reaction. When I came out to my ex she rejected me badly and broke up with me the same night, only to come back together with the condition I didn't transition.

I think every trans person hopes that their SO react like you did, but even then, your partner might need some personal space. A thing to keep to him/herself, at least to begin with.

[gallinarosa]

When I came out to my ex she rejected me badly and broke up with me the same night, only to come back together with the condition I didn't transition.

The night I asked him about the women's clothes I found out he had been ordering, I had a bag packed and ready in the trunk of the car. But that was because I thought he was having an affair ;-) That's how in the dark I was, lol. I'm sorry though that you had to go through that. Certainly staying together is not right for all couples, but I cannot see why anyone would not at least stick around to talk about it. I hope you are in a better place now.

[Lady Lisandra]

Well, one of the things that made me feel sad was the fact that she didn't even try staying for a while. I felt like the only reason for us being together was that she needed a man, not because she loved my person.

But I'm glad that happened. I found a much better partner now, she helped me a lot with my transition.

[LizK]

.

I am finding that every day seems to uncover more thoughts and feelings from both of us, more layers, more intricacies, more self-discoveries, more closeness. It is kind of amazing. And kind of exhausting. (which is why, if I get spare time, I will likely sleep, not watch Fosters... but maybe one day... I will make a mental note to check into it)

This can be very draining to try and sustain that intense level of emotion. Taking time out is a good thing to help you "re-set" for the next new thing to come along... You are doing great 

[judithlynn]

cc

[Gertrude]

I have been thinking about your thread and have something to add. (People who know me are not surprised by this.) I thought I would bring up something that I see happen a lot with trans folks. They do evolve as things go forward. Your partner may not realize how he/she will change. I thought I could do some minor changes and be satisfied basically not changing my life drastically. Little did I realize then, in my case, that I would have to fully transition. It is important to know that I was not lying about where my final destination would be, I did not know. I see people not need surgery, until some of them do, and feel a desperate need to do it, where before it  wasn't apparent to them at all. I don't bring this up to scare you. It is a reality to be aware of. I am so glad you are seeing the positive changes in your partner. My partner says I am happier, more at peace, kinder, more open, and have lost a lot of negatives. I wish more SO's like yourself see the positives that go along with this unusual situation. Take care!
Moni

Yes, yes yes. My wife knew about this before we were married. We even went to a gender therapist. Her understanding was that I was a cross dresser and then this 20 plus years on. She says I changed. I think it's all you said and also the understanding of what what we now call transgender has changed. Transsexual and transvestite are  outdated terms in my opinion, but some people still use them. Also, never underestimate the ignorance of the public about this issue. Sometimes it's appalling.


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[Charlie Nicki]

I came out to my significant other months ago. He also knows I post in a TG forum, though he doesn't know which one...Basically, this is my safe place, it was probably your husband's too, I completely understand where you are coming from but you have to realize that this is the place where he has come for years to be his real self. Give him time to feel just as comfortable with you to share everything without having to read his "personal diary" (which can feel very invasive) and don't pressure him. Just a friendly advice


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[gallinarosa]

Basically, this is my safe place, it was probably your husband's too, I completely understand where you are coming from but you have to realize that this is the place where he has come for years to be his real self. Give him time to feel just as comfortable with you to share everything without having to read his "personal diary" (which can feel very invasive) and don't pressure him. Just a friendly advice

I totally get this. At the time, understand that I *thought* our relationship was such that we had no walls. (I thought that before I found out he was TG, and I had begun to think we were there for real (again?) several weeks after I found out.) I thought we were both comfortable sharing everything, even if we didn't necessarily do it all the time. But after that incident, I am realizing there are many more layers for us to work through. I don't think he even realized it. I think he was honestly shocked at his own knee-jerk response to not think twice and lie. It is all learning new things about ourselves and each other. I am trying my best to be patient

(And honestly, there really wasn't anything in the posts different from what he had already told me. They were very sweet posts. <3 )

[gallinarosa]

This can be very draining to try and sustain that intense level of emotion. Taking time out is a good thing to help you "re-set" for the next new thing to come along...

Good advice! We just finished a week at the beach and a anniversary celebration. My batteries feel recharged!

[LizK]

Good advice! We just finished a week at the beach and a anniversary celebration. My batteries feel recharged!

Nice!!! Glad you are feeling better able to deal with your situation.

[Charlie Nicki]

I totally get this. At the time, understand that I *thought* our relationship was such that we had no walls. (I thought that before I found out he was TG, and I had begun to think we were there for real (again?) several weeks after I found out.) I thought we were both comfortable sharing everything, even if we didn't necessarily do it all the time. But after that incident, I am realizing there are many more layers for us to work through. I don't think he even realized it. I think he was honestly shocked at his own knee-jerk response to not think twice and lie. It is all learning new things about ourselves and each other. I am trying my best to be patient

(And honestly, there really wasn't anything in the posts different from what he had already told me. They were very sweet posts. <3 )

I'm glad that things are working out for the 2 of you! You sound like a great wife.

Best of luck!


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