I feel like its important to write this down as its the first time I've ever verbalised what I've been internalising for so long. Reading other peoples posts has been hugely helpful for me and maybe somebody will find my story helpful to them one day.
For as long as I can remember I havn't been comfortable with myself. I didn't know what is wrong with me, what makes me different, why I don't feel like everybody else perceivably feels. I've been in a few long term relationships with women and I always thought the reasons I felt how I did was down to the fact I may have been gay or bisexual. However, recently after a lot of thinking and self discovery, I believe its nothing to do with sexuality, its due to not being comfortable with my gender.
As a child, I never fitted in with societies set idea for being a boy. Football, rugby and other typically male sports for children never interested me. I didn't like hanging out with boys, all my friends were female and this has continued as a constant thought my life. I was interested in gymnastics, performing arts and anything creative. I loved dressing up and essentially escaping from my usual role as a boy. At home although the majority of my toys were male, I would specifically ask for girls toys which would be my favourites, I even told my parents I wanted to be female but nothing happened and it was never mentioned again.
As I entered my teenage years and began having relationships with girls, I found myself trying as hard as I could to live up to the idea of being one of the lads. I would try and fit in as best as I could, but the key part of that is that I consciously knew that it was an act.. Could have been the fact I had longer hair and wore tighter clothes than most girls! Most of my friends were all female and I would jump at any opportunity to dress as a women but would always play it down like I wasn't enjoying it to keep up my male image. I repeatedly questioned my sexuality thinking that was the cause, as in all of my relationships I was, I guess, jealous of my girlfriend in the context that I wanted to be in the role she was in.
These years were filled with excessive alcohol and drug abuse, self harm and suicide attempts. I left a trail of broken relationships with both friends and girlfriends. I always felt like I needed to run away and was never content within myself. Following a break up with my partner of 4 years, roughly 9 months ago, I moved 100 miles away to a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. I used to have a huge friendship group and over the years I've completely removed myself from everyone. I'm now 25 and its the first time I've lived truly by myself and I've been slowly putting all the pieces of my life puzzle together and realised just how uncomfortable I was with my gender. Since that moment, I shave my legs, wear makeup, womens clothing etc anytime I'm in the house. I'm self employed and work from home so this is often 24 hours a day, for extended periods of time. The part thats been most interested for me is that, is isn't a big deal, It feels completely normal and I've been feeling so much happier within myself. I look in the mirror and can smile!
I've missed so many things out but this has gone on for far too long so I'll wrap it up! I'm going to be moving in a month or so to a city thats far more accepting and with better access to GIC, support networks, etc and will be making a start on this journey, wherever that may lead. Coming to the end of writing this, I feel genuinely happy and almost relived to finally get it off my chest and although I'm not ready to discuss this with my people close to me until I take things further with doctors and therapists etc, It is nice to be able to be open to the world!
Oh and finally, I'm mainly on here to get to know likeminded people, so hello everyone!
