Wondering if I may be experiencing gender dysphoria

[Kamisori]

So I've been wondering for the last year or so if maybe I'm transgender and here's a list of reasons I have came up with over the last week.  I'd like some input on this the text is alittle messy. 



Reasons why I might be trans
I like my long hair
Color in my hair is magic
Years ago I told my body to stop growing body hair
I like my long hair
Beard makes me not feel like me
Small hands and feet
Trans people are inspiring and I feel a connection I've never felt before
High heels look fun I bet I would rock them
Maybe I like right clothes not this baggy stuff?
Years ago i decided I would be a girl if I could and if it was easy
I played dnd as a male once it was awkward and I didn't know how to be
Like all of toxic masculinity
Female over male characters 100% of the time
I like it when people online think ima girl
Most of the time it's hard to look at myself idk how others do it
The though of putting my face out there without shaving cleaning and hair care is scary and hard even then (online context)
People have frequently called me girly things part of me wants to be a super hot model and wear latex
I present female online and feel strong often confident
Does being a sub count at all?
Talking with guys and doing guy stuff is hard and i find it really stupid
I often identify more with female relationship memes
I want lean muscle
Dexterity over strength
Speed over power
I made this list and keep thinking about this
A way to protest and fight this world


Reasons why I might not be
Might just be an excuse for what ever is making me sad and I may be just using it as a thing I need to be "happy"
Might just be my submissive side taking over and wanting to be small and weak
It might be that I think it's what others want from me
I don't really fit in with girls much more then boys

[Raell]

Definitely transgender. Cispeople never think about their own genders or question them. They are just "are."

If you don't believe me, just ask any of your cisgender friends if they ever wanted to be the other gender.

I didn't realize that, and all my life just assumed that all women wanted to be males and were just making do because they had no choice. Even now, it's hard to believe they are happy with who they are.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It really only comes down to one question. Are you uncomfortable in your current gender? The discomfort can exhibit it's self in different forms. In my case, I was mostly social dysphoria where I was uncomfortable with my role in society. Other experience body dysphoria. The remainder of the list tends to be indications that you may have exhibited transgender symptoms before you were aware that you were transgender. You are the one who will have to decide what is best for you but there are a couple of links you should look over. The first is our WIKI where transgender is defined. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will help you explore yourself.

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[Kendra]

Hi Kamisori,

Interesting post, and thank you for joining Susan's!

One thing I suggest is introduce yourself in the Introductions forum.  I found by doing so I was able to more quickly start connecting with people here, and many of those connections have grown to become super helpful for me.  And it goes in both directions - when I write, even if I am not directly thinking about myself I learn more about myself.

When I look at your list several things immediately come to mind.  One is the ordering of items in your list.  Did you intentionally sort this list in a particular order?  Or did it just end up in this order as you kept adding to it.  The list has two types of items - the first section is visual, appearance related.  The second half of your list requires thought, personality, interaction.  Those second items could be accomplished without the first - but it would be difficult (although not impossible) in many common social settings to ignore the first and fully accomplish the second.  Possible but unconventional, unless you can virtualize the characteristics of the first half.  Many of your second items involve online gaming where those first-half items don't exist or can be adjusted with a few clicks. 

> Years ago i decided I would be a girl if I could and if it was easy

I think what you said here can help unlock and answer some of your questions.  Not the part about deciding to be a girl.  The second half of the sentence: "if I could and if it was easy."

Ignore gender dysphoria for a moment.  Substitute anything else for the first half of your sentence - an educational degree, a career track, an athletic achievement - followed with 'if I could and if it was easy."

I clawed my way to a good education, a good career, perform music for fun, and my running routine is 3 miles (5km) in 21 minutes - after losing one third of my body weight two decades ago.  Those things were definitely not easy but sooo worth it. 

I bet you have achievements you are proud of, and I bet those took some work.

Same with transition in my case.  Hasn't all been easy - all those hours of electrolysis on my face and other body parts come to mind, or losing sleep over difficult conversations which I have now had - but if for some reason I needed to start over I wouldn't hesitate to. 

So what I see in your list is a lot of good thought.  I wish I had written down a list like yours at an earlier age - a light bulb probably would have lit up and I would have avoided or fixed some bad habits of mine earlier on.  I think you are doing the right thing by asking yourself these questions. 

Depending on age and genetics, the amount of challenge for some items in transition is different for each individual.  Sort of like athletic achievement is partially impacted by mindset but the amount of work involves several factors.  The really cool part is - unlike an education or hitting a game level there isn't a certification requirement for transition - we each define it in our own way.  A person can completely transition in their mind and change nothing with their outward appearance, or can get obsessed with fashion-model perfection.  Choices to make, and the right answer for you is the answer you come up with.

Kendra