Help me understand, please..

[Dpflits]

Honestly I am not sure where to start or even how to ask so I am going to ask and hopefully it's appropriate and respectful. My son is not gay, but is attracted to a male with boobs, ass, and a penis. What does that mean? I am so beyond confused. Is a transgender women born male and wants to be female and the opposite for female, meaning my son is attracted to transgender women? My son has always been depressed and hopeless, I came upon some things the other night that brought all this out. He is making very risky decisions. He is 19 and lives with me.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Exactly  what your son feels is something we don't know. It's possible that your son is bisexual. Another more likely possibility is a bit more difficult to understand. Our mind is the gender we wish to belong. In my case, I am feminine but I had a body that didn't match my mind. If your son is attracted to the personality and not the body, he may be able to overlook the fact that the body still contains male elements.

Consider yourself. You were attracted to your wife because of the type of person she was. You might only spend a few minutes a day engaging in sex but the remainder of the day you live with your wife the person and not the body. I am also sure that there are women out there who are the correct gender but because of their personality, you would never be attracted to them.

We have couples on the site where one partner feels as your son does. They accept their partner for the type of person they are and have helped them complete their transition. If for some reason the transition can't be completed, it remains a relationship based on love and not sex.

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[HoneyStrums]

Honestly I am not sure where to start or even how to ask so I am going to ask and hopefully it's appropriate and respectful. My son is not gay, but is attracted to a male with boobs, ass, and a penis. What does that mean? I am so beyond confused. Is a transgender women born male and wants to be female and the opposite for female, meaning my son is attracted to transgender women? My son has always been depressed and hopeless, I came upon some things the other night that brought all this out. He is making very risky decisions. He is 19 and lives with me.

A Transwoman, Is a woman. (Born with the wrong body)
Their body is born male, they themselves are not.
They dont want to be woman, they already are,


This person that you describe as a "man with boobs and ass" Is this your Judgement of them? or have you asked them? is this how they describe them self? Because if you haven't asked them I don't think its entirely fair to describe them in such a way.

"My son has always been depressed and Hopeless"
If you son is depressed, I would start helping him with that by not looking at him like he's hopeless.


As far as your son is concerned only he can express, his likes and dislikes to you.

I cant offer anymore help then this. If your son feels as though you will be disappointed, upset, or angry and he doesn't want you to feel this way, then things he think will make you feel this way he probably wont share. If he feels as though he would loos you, and doesn't want to loose you, then he probably wont share.

[bethanyz]

Hi there. I don't know that I can help you understand, but maybe you don't have to understand. Maybe it's enough to just be loving and supportive.

I found with my son during high school, that so long as he didn't feel like I was prying or judging, that he could explore gender and his sexuality freely. He cross-dressed for a couple of years, even started borrowing some of my dresses and skirts! It doesn't matter to me what gender my child is or who he loves. My son is now 27 and we have an amazing relationship. We talk every week, deep, open honest conversations where nothing is off limits, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I end every conversation with him the same way..."I love you, keep making good choices."

I hope you find peace...

[DawnOday]

Sorry but your son is attempting to live his life, not yours. You've made your choices. What is wrong with two people caring about each other? A relationship like this does not have to be dangerous as there are many preventative measures to take just as you would take with a cis woman. Some would call it "The pursuit of happiness"
"A gender blind (or unisex) person is someone who adheres to not distinguishing people by gender. Gender blind people generally advocate gender neutrality in society such as activities undertaken and services provided without regard to the gender of those who participate." [1  Unisex is an older term, and a misnomer meaning "one sex". A more appropriate term would be bisex (which would mean both sexes). It should not be confused with bisexuality. Gender-blind however goes against most tenets of heteronormativity by not looking at gender at all

Hope you can come to terms with your biases and continue to love and support your son as you have since he was born. Perhaps down the road there may be a marriage and that's ok. Love is love and sex is sex but sex is not gender. I was born with a deformed male body but a female brain because of medical malpractice. At the time there was no one to emulate or ask questions of. So I tried with all my might to conform to male norms. Try as I might it just wasn't me. I was reborn last year. I am in a 35 year relationship with my wife. I can't conceive of loving anyone else, but that does not mean if I were younger I would not pursue an alternative.

I would suggest finding a support group to attend with other SO's. If you have the ability to attend Gender Odyssey in Seattle or Los Angeles there are seminars explaining some of the medical mysteries and paths to acceptance. I can understand to a point the possible confusion on your part.

[Lady Sarah]

Honestly I am not sure where to start or even how to ask so I am going to ask and hopefully it's appropriate and respectful. My son is not gay, but is attracted to a male with boobs, ass, and a penis. What does that mean? I am so beyond confused. Is a transgender women born male and wants to be female and the opposite for female, meaning my son is attracted to transgender women? My son has always been depressed and hopeless, I came upon some things the other night that brought all this out. He is making very risky decisions. He is 19 and lives with me.

You said your son is not gay. Perhaps it is the female aspects he is attracted to. Some guys like a woman with a penis. I do not understand why. I know my husband does not care about mine, and it does NOT come into play while in bed. What he sees in a transgender woman is his business. If he does not want to share with you what makes him attracted to one, don't pressure him. She might just be what brings him out of his depression, and gives him hope.

[Devlyn]

Hi Dpflits, welcome to Susan's Place! You were getting great advice here, but now it's time for the village idiot to spout off!    I busted out laughing when you included the rear end on the list. Last I checked everyone has one of those! 

On a serious note, we're glad you sought out an answer and found us. Transgender issues can be complicated and cause anxiety for everyone involved. Look around and learn, the site is a goldmine of information and help. You'll meet lots of great folks here...and a few idiots like me! That's right, I gots peeps. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Julia1996]

Are you totally sure your son is attracted to transwomen?  Maybe he was attracted to a girl he didn't know was trans until later. My boyfriend had no idea I was trans when he met me. After I told him he wasn't happy about it. But he went online and did some research and finally decided he could get past it. Could that be the case with your son? Even if he is attracted to transwomen that doesn't mean he's gay or even bi sexual. What you need to understand is that a transwomen is female. She acts and reacts like a biological female. Physically she looks and feels like any other woman. If you think about it it's physical appearance in general that people are attracted to. The sex organs come into play later. A gay man wouldn't be attracted to a transwoman because he's attracted to a male body and masculine personality.

You didn't say what you found but I'm wondering if it was stuff he had been looking at online.  You said your son has a history of being depressed and feeling hopeless.  Could your son be transgender himself? If so you need to support and love him.
Julia

[rmaddy]

Honestly I am not sure where to start or even how to ask so I am going to ask and hopefully it's appropriate and respectful. My son is not gay, but is attracted to a male with boobs, ass, and a penis. What does that mean? I am so beyond confused. Is a transgender women born male and wants to be female and the opposite for female, meaning my son is attracted to transgender women? My son has always been depressed and hopeless, I came upon some things the other night that brought all this out. He is making very risky decisions. He is 19 and lives with me.

I think you're going to have to ask your son about his attractions, and accept it if he tells you that this is none of your business. 

In terms of risky decisions, I hope you don't consider transgender women risky simply for being transgender women.  I also hope that you used his childhood wisely, fully educating him about his body, his sexuality, respecting others and how to practice sex in a safe and loving manner.  If you have done all this and he is still engaging in high risk behaviors, that in and of itself may be an expression of discontent with life.  To the extent that this is possible, guide him to a counselor.

DO NOT seek out a counselor in hopes that this person will change your son's attractions.  It doesn't work and visually guarantees that your sone will see both you and the counselor as adversarial.

I'm glad you posted, and welcome to SP.

[KageNiko]

Hello Dpflits, and welcome.  I'd like to share my recent experience with coming out to my parents to maybe help you here.

When I was younger I kept everything locked up because I didn't want to hurt/disappoint my parents.  I'm 33 years old now, I have a wife and two kids.  And yet I'm miserable, because I am not that attracted to women.  I am bisexual, because I do have a mild attraction to my wife, of whom I learned to love, but I've been living for years as a person that I hate, and married to someone that I've had to work very hard to love.

Just a couple of weeks ago I came out to my parents as trans, and having a greater attraction to guys.  They were much more understanding than I had anticipated, though I do think they would have been less understanding when I was a teenager, which is when I REALLY wanted to tell them.

The point of my story is this:  Had I been comfortable with telling my parents at an earlier age, and had they been receptive, then I would have not wasted the last 15+ years of my life being miserable and hating myself.

If you truly want what's best for your child, then I beg of you to please, be nonjudgemental, and willing to listen to them.  Ask them honest, and polite questions that help them know that you care about them and that you just want to understand.

And lastly, just be there for them.  They might be in a scary place mentally and you're the best person to help them with that, if you approach it properly.
Goodluck.
~Love, Ashley