I want to vent a bit

[cheesetovey]

Hey everyone, I posted here a couple of years ago. I don't think anyone would remember though heh.
I'm a mtf, 15 years old. back when I first posted I wanted to be called Elizabeth or Liz for short, but now I feel like it just worsens the dysphoria. So maybe just call me Michael...

I think I was 13 when I first thought I was a transgirl and I had this plan that when my two brothers who had graduated highschool moved out I would come out to my parents.
Well two and a half years later my brothers still live here and I haven't gotten the courage to come out anyway.

The body dysphoria started getting worse the start of this year. I'm just so insanely scared of coming out. I mean I'm a loner in school because I can't gain the courage to talk to people. How am I supposed to come out if I can't even have a normal conversation.
And I know how people will judge me if I come out as trans, I mean I hear every single thing my family says whenever a celeb comes out as gay or when Caitlyn Jenner came out, none of it makes me feel better. I remember what my friends say about those people. I'm sure they wouldn't say that to me if i came out but they would say it behind my back. I really want to puke just thinking about it.

I want to start hrt or atleast blockers as early as I can, I'm getting a job to save money for that stuff for when I can do it without parents consent or anything. But I'm scared that it'll be too late and there will be too many irreversible changes my body has gone through that the hrt won't fix. Also I am wondering if hrt or anything will like end my ability to have a child for the rest of my life?

I'm still attracted to girls but I'm a mtf. Does that make me like a fake trans?? I feel like it does but people say it doesn't. I feel like people will think I'm a fake trans no matter what if I start dating a girl after transitioning to become a girl.

Is there anything I can do to make the dysphoria better? I mean I figure dressing in some girls clothes or something would be the best bet but I have no idea how to get ahold of this without my parents knowing.
It's not one of my proudest moments but one time I stole a couple of pieces of clothing from my friends sister. My mom found it in my laundry and luckily thought it was my sisters old stuff.
Like I said before I feel like being called Elizabeth or just being treated like a girl worsens the dysphoria because I know that I'm not a girl and I've made no steps to be one.


Bleh, I should probably stop here. This is like some condensed portions of my thoughts over the past year and a half or so. You guys are always so supportive and that really what I need at this point.
Thanks

[Dena]

Welcome back again. Yes I remember you as you joined about the same time I did and you were one of the first that I talked to.

I understand why you are nervous about coming out to your parents but without their permission, you are pretty limited at to what you can do. There are other ways to do it like writing a letter or finding somebody you trust to help you but it will still be difficult.

The good news you can transition when you are older but it becomes a little more difficult. You voice may become deeper, your beard heavy and facial features more masculine. In my case, I wasn't able to start HRT until I was about 27 and there members on the site who transitioned much latter but still project a feminine image.

Gender and sexual preference are two different things. Sexual preference is who you want to go to bed with and Gender identity is who you want to go to bed as. There are may MTFs on the site who have remained with their wife through their transition. In short, there is nothing that says you can't be lesbian after your transition.

As for things to feel better, about the only thing I know of is distraction. Keeping yourself busy tends to help for a while but it isn't a long term solution. Cross dressing can help but very difficult to hide. I shared a bedroom with my brother and my mother had free access to the bedroom. There was no way I could even hide a newspaper clipping much less clothing.

[cheesetovey]

Welcome back again. Yes I remember you as you joined about the same time I did and you were one of the first that I talked to.

I understand why you are nervous about coming out to your parents but without their permission, you are pretty limited at to what you can do. There are other ways to do it like writing a letter or finding somebody you trust to help you but it will still be difficult.

The good news you can transition when you are older but it becomes a little more difficult. You voice may become deeper, your beard heavy and facial features more masculine. In my case, I wasn't able to start HRT until I was about 27 and there members on the site who transitioned much latter but still project a feminine image.

Gender and sexual preference are two different things. Sexual preference is who you want to go to bed with and Gender identity is who you want to go to bed as. There are may MTFs on the site who have remained with their wife through their transition. In short, there is nothing that says you can't be lesbian after your transition.

As for things to feel better, about the only thing I know of is distraction. Keeping yourself busy tends to help for a while but it isn't a long term solution. Cross dressing can help but very difficult to hide. I shared a bedroom with my brother and my mother had free access to the bedroom. There was no way I could even hide a newspaper clipping much less clothing.

I most definitely remember you Dena.
I really appreciate you responding to my haphazard post and it makes me feel better that your one of the same people that supported me before!

This is all really helpful, some unpleasant truths but it might give me the motivation to talk to my parents about all of this. Thanks Dena!


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[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

I remember your posts and I am so glad that you are back and OK.

Obviously the family situation makes your situation extremely difficult so may I suggest much the same as Dena. I know I am very old compared to you but I came out to my family in a rather rough part of the world when I was a teen and few people had heard of TG people except in very bad porn mags. There was no way of transitioning, there was no medical help and homosexuality was illegal. They sent you to gaol.

I decided quite carefully to plan for my future. I studied like crazy, I took every exam, I worked hard, I took part time jobs doing anything (legal). I did so in order that I could control my destiny and my life.

I have done.

I left home at 17 and went to Uni got my degrees and became financially secure and then did what I needed to do. I loved my family, they loved me. They could not understand me and that is fine. I made sure that I could live my life as I wished.

You are an articulate and intelligent young woman. If you cannot get medical help with blockers etc I  would try not to worry too much. Plan for the future and make it work for you.

Cindy

[Julia1996]

Hi. Welcome to the site. I'm Julia. I'm 19. Unfortunately you can't do hrt or blockers without your parents permission. But don't stress out too much about that. If you have to wait until your 18 you will still have good results. I started hrt when I was 17 and still got good results. I know how scary coming out can be. You can't be sure your family won't accept your being trans. You said they say negative stuff about trans people. You have to understand that most people don't know anything about transgender people. People make negative comments about things they don't understand. But they tend to try and understand and educate themselves if someone they love is affected by it. My dad and brother are the last people in the world I would have expected to be accepting. My dad was a marine until 2 years ago and now he's a cop. I was positive my older brother would never accept me. He's a gymrat jock type. But both of them are very accepting.  So don't write off your family just yet.

Maybe you could start seeing a therapist.  You could just tell your parents you need help working through some stuff. Be totally honest with the therapist.  It might be easier for your parents to accept that you are trans if you have a therapist backing you up. Once your parents understand that it's not a phase and it isn't going away they might be more accepting. If your parents won't let you do hrt maybe they will at least let you start testosterone blockers. Blockers will stop any further effects of testosterone.  But it's not permanent.  If you stop taking them your testosterone levels will go back to normal.

Being attracted to girls doesn't make you fake trans any more than being a lesbian makes a cis woman a fake woman. There are a lot of lesbian trans women.

I hope some of this is helpful.
Hugs
Julia

[elkie-t]

I would still suggest to find a way to come out to your parents asap. Write a letter if you cannot do it face to face, or just say it real quick in a few words...

The reason why is that being minor you won't lose anything. Worst case scenario - your parents laugh at you or get angry at you - and you kind of take it back and let them think it was just a phase or you were acting up. However, even in that scenario - you will know exactly where they stand and that you cannot expect their support in the future, and they will know why you became distant and cut them off from your life.


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