Abuse

[gail123]

Lately I've been haunted by the idea my Mother abused me at a young age, and this abuse has contributed to my life long struggles with gender identification.
I have no strong memories of abuse that I can put in any sort of context, such year or place, but I've had powerful images of a very young boy cowering in terror, afraid to move, afraid to cry out, terrified as to what would happen if I did. I also have memories of deep pain, followed by a comforting pleasure, and although my memory doesn't include time or place it does include a another person... My Mother.
I'm not a big believer in the accuracy of memory, as often the wish is father to the thought when it comes to memory.
And I don't think I'm looking for any simple cliche to explain me to me.
But, nevertheless, these memories, if that's what they are, are very strong, and I'm unable to prevent them filling my consciousness at all times of the night and day.
My Mother is deceased, and there is no one to either validate or invalidate  my perceptions, and I'm not big on therapists as it's been my experience that I tend to embellish my life when doing therapy probably to keep the therapist interested.
So there you go.

[Dena]

I know that being transgender wasn't caused by abuse but it is possible that you were punished for something like trying out you mothers makeup and you you are crossing the memories. In my case, I have a high tolerance to pain but there are some forms of pain that are retained for a long time in my memory. I also have memories of events where I remember enormous pain and I know that the memory is flawed.

This is a place where a regular therapist might be of help as therapy could help you discover the event or diminish it in importance. If it's affecting your life, you should consider doing something about it as addressing the problem is long overdue.

[tgirlamg]

Hi Gail...

Yes, human memory is not all it is cracked up to be... Studies demonstrate that...even with recent memories ... Many have been done about the accuracy of memory in regards to witnesses to crimes etc and memories tend to automatically fill in blanks... Often inaccurately.... Distant and fleeting memories are subject to even more variables and even less likely to reflect accurately on events....

None the less... Something is weighing on you in some way that probably should be explored a bit... If for no other reason than it is bothering you ... If the factors that went into you becoming Trans are keeping you up at night... I would say that the how doesn't matter... Simply accept that you are and live your life with a wide open and joyful heart sister... There is much living to be done and none of us know how long we have to embrace and love this life and those around us!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

[gail123]

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words Ashley and Dena.
You are undoubtedly correct.
Further examination is warranted.
The problem is other than this powerful feeling of abuse I don't have, other than a few peripheral facts, nothing to go on.
This feeling, although stronger now, isn't new.
I've had it for decades now, and once tried, gingerly, raising it with my Mother.
I told her I had this strong feeling that I had been abused as a very young boy, and since she had raised me on her own (my Father was absent for my early years) did she know of anything that could account for this feeling?
It clearly upset her, and her rather tepid response was so atypical of my Mother that I never broached the subject  again. But it had the effect, in my mind anyway, of cementing the feeling as fact.
i have always been slightly, well more than slightly, both afraid of and attracted to women. 
A moth to the flame as it were.

[tgirlamg]

Hey Gail...

In the end, it will be hard to ever know what the truth is with memory as the only thing to go on ...so, I hope you can find peace with the feelings these memories bring... Sending good and healing thoughts your way

Onward we go brave sister!!!

A:)

[Mile High Sean]

Hi Gail,

I understand what you are going through. My dad physically and emotionally abused me. Like you I can't remember most of the specifics, memory doesn't playback like a video. It took me a long time to deal with the effects and to heal. I did do therapy for awhile and it helped a lot. Please reconsider therapy for yourself. The therapist will understand the lack of memories so let them know this right away, they may have techniques to help you remember. I think something like this is too hard to work through on your own. Stay strong.