My parents see transgender as gross and unnatural

[jo94]

Hey all, first time post on here just wondering if anyone has any helpful input.

So I'll begin by saying my Mom is a traditional Catholic and my Dad is United, religion has been driving force in both their lives. My Dad is also a Freemason which requires a belief in any higher power that influences the goings-on in the world and in the past. So my parents in the past have questioned my sexuality once when I was 13 (I'm now 22 living near Toronto), I denied that I was homosexual and they have never pressed any further (wished they would've pressed for more but that was the limit of the sexuality spectrum for them). They seemed supportive and legitimately concerned when I denied I was gay, but the other day I was sitting next to my Mom on our balcony my Dad was sitting at the far end, she was on her phone looking at national news and I was playing a mobile game and out of nowhere, literally nowhere, she says, "There's a guy who is now 'apparently' a woman, transgender is what they are calling it?" I agreed for the sake of continuing this particular conversation because it isn't a topic that would ever come up again in my household, without skipping a beat my Mom said, "I think it's really disgusting." That was it, my Dad didn't engage the conversation and neither did I (knowing if I made a big deal either a huge verbal fight would erupt or my parents would ask why this topic bothered me and and that's not how I would like to come out to them, I was floored that that was my Mom's view on transgender, I honestly thought she more than my Dad would be more supportive. I stayed quiet for a bit to make the end of the conversation seem more natural (they'd know if I was upset) then I got up went inside and I have been looking up ways to convincingly change their views on transgender.

I know I'm going to be pelted by people saying, "you can't change how people think." And yes that's true but I don't want to change HOW they think I just want their opinions on transgender to become more positive and supporting and I don't want to be the reason they change, I'd prefer it to be on a political level because then they have to have fact based arguments and my parents will bs their way through a conversation if they have no knowledge about it and somehow turn the tables can make it an argument and leave you wondering why you feel guilty. Yes it genius I know but I've grown up with it and if it was once in a while okay, but I have never seen eye to eye with my parents we are too different, they don't know it but most people perceive their style of parenting to follow along bullying and harassment on most occasions calling them out on this and proving them they are wrong (about anything, which is more times than not) just fuels the fire under their asses.

Sorry it's so long my girlfriend can can only hear so much of the same stuff before it all blurs together.

Any help to change my parents views at a political level would be greatly appreciated.

Hugs,
Autumn [emoji8][emoji1063]

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[Elis]

My dad wasn't that supportive and had some wrong ideas. Still does to some extent. All you can really do is share some articles that show being trans as a medical condition not a mental one and how much happier people are having had transitioned and just go ahead and live your life. Bleak as it sounds there's no use wasting your energy on people who are so lost in their own bubble they can't or won't see outside of that.

[HappyMoni]

Autumn,
   I don't know how your parents will react if they know about you, but I don't think what you experienced was a true test of how they would treat you.  It is easy to look down on or scorn something when no one you know is involved. I had  relatives who are not generally trans approving but the fact that I was family was more important. If they find out when you don't depend on them for money, you will have more room to state your situation and let it play out as it will. Assumptions can be so far off in either direction.
Moni

[Jessica Lynne]

Autumn,
   I don't know how your parents will react if they know about you, but I don't think what you experienced was a true test of how they would treat you.  It is easy to look down on or scorn something when no one you know is involved. I had  relatives who are not generally trans approving but the fact that I was family was more important. If they find out when you don't depend on them for money, you will have more room to state your situation and let it play out as it will. Assumptions can be so far off in either direction.
Moni

That's the advice of the day. Or as other's say, "this"  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
                                                                                               IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

[KathyLauren]

Welcome to Susan's, Autumn.  Coming out to parents has got to be one of the hardest things to do. 

I know I'm going to be pelted by people saying, "you can't change how people think." And yes that's true but I don't want to change HOW they think I just want their opinions on transgender to become more positive and supporting and I don't want to be the reason they change

When people talk about not being able to change the way people think, it is specifically their opinions that they are referring to.  It is very hard to change people's opinions.  It is tempting to dream of being the saviour who will show them the error of their ways, but in reality, that seldom happens.  The fact that your mother called transgender "disgusting" shows that her opinion is based in emotion.  You can't change an emotional opinion by logic.  Only another emotion can replace that one.  Love might do it.  No guarantees, though.

You might want to start planning a strategy for coming out.  The first priority would be to become financially self-sufficient and to move out of their house.  It will be much easier to contemplate the conversaion once you no longer have to face them every day.

[RobynD]

People's minds can change. I've had people make that change in my life and disgusting was in their vocabulary at one time. It's not a given though, and for sure knowing transgender people and their lives, personalities etc is the main catalyst for change.

There is nothing incompatible with this acceptance and their religions, even though they may think there is. The advice is good here, proceed carefully but proceed with your self esteem and purpose. You are in the morally better position.

[jo94]

Autumn,
   I don't know how your parents will react if they know about you, but I don't think what you experienced was a true test of how they would treat you.  It is easy to look down on or scorn something when no one you know is involved. I had  relatives who are not generally trans approving but the fact that I was family was more important. If they find out when you don't depend on them for money, you will have more room to state your situation and let it play out as it will. Assumptions can be so far off in either direction.
Moni

Thank you HappyMoni for the advice, I hadn't considered that as a possibility and it does pick my spirits up a bit. It does worry me that my parents won't approve, being as traditional as they are and most of my life I've been rebellious, because my parents have been through the bullying during school because of my dysphoria (them not knowing it was the reason) and I'm just hoping their perspective will change because they don't like change they are very conservative and don't go out of their way to understand new things going on in our world aside from Trump's transgender ban. They see transgender as more of a hippie movement that is a phase or a trend, and I have to bite my tongue not to quickly defend transgender because sex of any topic isn't common in our house, it's taboo.

So I guess what my real question is; Has anyone else had luck getting parents or anyone of an older generation, who have difficulty with change and accepting, to open their mind a bit more? Maybe see transgender as an integral part of society and as normal as their sexual orientation and identity?

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[RobynD]

So I guess what my real question is; Has anyone else had luck getting parents or anyone of an older generation, who have difficulty with change and accepting, to open their mind a bit more? Maybe see transgender as an integral part of society and as normal as their sexual orientation and identity?

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Specifically yes, people 50+ years old. Not my immediate family but extended family, friends, and an acquaintance. The amount of misinformation they believed was staggering and in some cases it was based on listening to conservative radio or reading blogs from "Christian" writers like James Dobson. It sure helps to love us if you know us and understand we are people with the same battle in life they have.

[KathyLauren]

So I guess what my real question is; Has anyone else had luck getting parents or anyone of an older generation, who have difficulty with change and accepting, to open their mind a bit more? Maybe see transgender as an integral part of society and as normal as their sexual orientation and identity?

I haven't had to change anyone's miind, but I have probably forced a few people to see transgender folks as human.  I had no negative reactions, even among the retirees that I most often associate with.  But I am quite sure that none of them had given more than a moment's though to transgender people before I came out.  I am their first experience with one in the real world.

Since I have had no bad reactions, I have not had to change anyone's mind.  Mostly, I lead by acting as though my transition was the most natural thing in the world, and that I expect people to be as nice to me as I am to them.  It works. 

There is one fellow who is clearly uncomfortable around me.  I make a point of being extra nice to him.  When he comes in the room, I greet him by name and ask him how he is.  Mostly, he just grunts "fine", so once in a while, I will ask him what he's been up to.  It forces him to talk politely.  Bwah-ha-ha!     Since eveyone else os okay with me by now, he has to go along with that.

I have gotten lucky, I know, and I realize that others face a much harder struggle than I have.  But my point is that it is by no means a given that older folks will be negative.

[jo94]

Wow thank you so much everyone this has definitely helped me a lot and I feel a lot more confident now! You have all answered my question in so many helpful ways, I can't say enough thank you so much everyone!

Autumn [emoji8][emoji1063]

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[Gertrude]

Ask her does she love her indoctrination more than her flesh and blood?


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[Kelly1ca]

Family have a way of surprising us. I was worried about my brother and he was totally accepting. He has just recently bought me a nice bracelet as a gift and he refers to me as his sister. All I could think was that he would want nothing to do with me. I couldn't be more wrong.

[Kendra]

> So I guess what my real question is; Has anyone else had luck getting parents or anyone of an older generation, who have difficulty with change and accepting, to open their mind a bit more?

Yes. 

My parents were born in 1931, I had the big conversation when them last month.  I am their only child and politically they are very conservative.  I had many reasons to assume their reaction would be a disaster - in fact I was quite certain.  And I was wrong.  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.0.html

Just as gender identity and gender preference are two different things, a person's perspective of the world and of someone they love are not necessarily the same.  I learned first-hand that generalizations based on politics and religion are convenient but can be wrong when applied to an individual.

[HoneyStrums]

My dad is religious.
So I took him on a journey through his religion.
Dad reliigion + Dads religion + Dads religieon = Transgender is good.

I asked questions, he answered.
He own answers lead to his change of mind set.

Does god want us to be happy?
Is suicide wrong?

What then is your opinion a a person making a choice in pursuit of happiness, to escape a situation that is so un-happy for them, to prevent the loss of their life at their own hands?




I didn't changes my dads opinions, his opinions stayed the same.


It helps that my dads religious book say god made "man and woman in their image"
I asked if god has no body, and we are in their image, could it not be possible that, that image is the Image of the soul?

If our souls existed with god in heaven before we were born, is it not then safe to say the we existed before our bodies, and that our bodies are separate to us? And Exist to serve as anchor for our spiritual soul to exist in a temporal universe.

Well...

These are questions. Not statements. I write them here as an example of how I took my dad on a journey though the elements of his religion that approves my actions, and thus so leading to his approval.

[rose]

Both of my parents are religious and being transgender is capital sin in their religion
That why me and my sister (we both trans MTF )
Trying to escape from them
There is not point for us to try and make them accept us
It's very annoying when trans or gay appear in movie we watch and they start to say transphobic and homophobic comments about it
And we cannot say anything for our safety

[Artesia]

I always like to point out the Christian church deliberately forced castration on young boys to preserve their singing voice.  The Castrati had beautiful voices, but for the church to say that transgender is a sin, must realize it condemned their creations to eternal damnation for the singing voice it created to sing praises to God. 

It's sad when Christians don't know their religions own history and practices.  If your families religion is not a Christian based faith, I'm sure I could find some examples for them as well.  I enjoy reading practices of assorted religions.

[Gertrude]

I always like to point out the Christian church deliberately forced castration on young boys to preserve their singing voice.  The Castrati had beautiful voices, but for the church to say that transgender is a sin, must realize it condemned their creations to eternal damnation for the singing voice it created to sing praises to God. 

It's sad when Christians don't know their religions own history and practices.  If your families religion is not a Christian based faith, I'm sure I could find some examples for them as well.  I enjoy reading practices of assorted religions.

The real problem is judgement in order to reinforce cultural beliefs. Yeshua wasn't a judgemental person and his philosophy can be boiled down to his one commandment: love one another as I have loved you. All the other commandments take care of themselves if a Christian follows that which most don't, especially the "bible believing " types. In essence, they are trying to convince themselves more than someone else. Someone that knows, has no truck with others.


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[Julia1996]

Like so many people have said you can't really be sure of someone's reaction. My grandpa didn't really understand what transgender is. He never had a reason to educate himself.  Trans, gay or dragqueen it was all the same to him. I was totally sure I would have to write him off. But my dad actually explained to him what being transgender was. I can't really say my grandpa is happy with me being trans but he accepts it. Someone else I was afraid wouldn't accept it was my older brother. But he totally accepts it. So don't assume someone won't accept it. People can surprise you a lot.
Julia

[coldHeart]

Julia's right you can't right people off completely, yes they might not like it but they can except it.
I've told people I thought would never speak to me again but surprisedly they still talk to me & to a degree understand it.
Sara

[DawnOday]

Our wiki has letters for transitioning kids to notify their parents. www2.uwe.ac.uk/services/Marketing/about-us/.../pdf/Trans-student-guidance.pdf  look them over and see if they help.  The wiki is at the top of the page.

While we are at it here is an article on interpreting the Bible and what it really says.  https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2016/08/26/where-in-the-bible-does-it-say-you-cant-be-transgender-nowhere/?utm_term=.bfe2e2804302

More support.   https://www.gotquestions.org/transsexualism-gender-identity-disorder.html