Sex for MTF people who've not had bottom surgery

[Liv_J]

Hi there

I want to start a MTF transition, and am putting steps in place for that. Among other aspects of my gender dysphoria, I have always had very little sexual activity with anyone, mostly because I don't want to be treated as a man by either men or women. Anyway, I have a couple of questions about what typically happens in the mechanics of a trans woman having sex with a man. Hope this is the right forum place for this and it's not inappropriate or anything.

So, I wanted to know, for example, do trans women with penises generally bother putting condoms on them if they have no intention of penetrating their partner with it. Also, do trans women (or their partner) generally masturbate their penis to have an orgasm or prefer it not to be involved.

I think I'd feel more feminine not doing anything with it in an encounter with another person, but I'm used to touching it to have an orgasm if I masturbate on my own (but I don't think about it, I think about my fantasies that don't involve it).

I guess though it's a bit linked to thinking that a penis is 'male', whereas I know that generally we're encouraged to not think in terms of those stereotypes and to think of it as a 'woman's penis' or a clit or a 'strapless' or something, and not be hung up about it. But, yeah, I just wondered if anyone wants to say about what actually happens in reality and how they feel about it, though I know that not everyone's experience is going to be the same.

Hope that all made sense.

Actually, as I'm bi, I'm also interested in how people feel about their penises if they have sex with a woman. Do you feel dysphoric / less feminine, about doing stuff with it, or just not get hung up on it and just do whatever feels good?

[R W]

Hello Liv_J and welcome to Susans. There is much to learn about yourself so hang on it's a long ride and it can get bumpy. This whole process is about making slow gradual changes to our bodies-not to be taken lightly. I got into a mess by trying to take in too much info & doing too much at one time. It is a long drawn out process and it is very important that it be done right the first time! Good questions so you are headed out right but try to take it slow so you don't burn out like I did for a year or so. As far as the sex goes, try not to over-think your intentions. Just do it if you need to and don't worry about it. But if you have any concerns about safety, go forward with caution and protection.

R W

[LizK]

Dear  Liv_J

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[Julia1996]

There really is no "usual" for a transwoman having sex. I can't give you any info about sex with a woman. I only like guys. But I can tell you what I know. Everyone is different. Some women enjoy their penis and enjoy using it on someone. Others like me don't want someone touching it and would never use it on someone. If that's the case then sex will consist of you giving oral sex and receiving anal sex. HRT will also make sex much different. With me it totally  decreased my sex drive.  I still like sex but it takes more kissing, foreplay, etc to get me in the mood. I can also be satisfied with just watching a movie with my BF with no sex. After HRT your breasts become a major erogenous zone. Also the inner thighs. Once you've been on hrt your orgasms change, they become more intense and longer and you feel them all over instead of one spot like before. Once you've been on hrt for a while you don't need to have a erection to orgasm and the hrt decreases the ejaculate so it won't be as much as before or you may even stop ejaculating. How you achieve orgasm changes too. The glans becomes more sensitive and the usual way of dealing with "it" becomes uncomfortable or even hurts. Gentle rubbing causes orgasm rather than stroking. This can be done through panties so you don't have to actually touch it. Or if you have a boyfriend like mine who is totally not interested in your boy parts and really doesn't want to actually touch "it" he can still get you off and because you can orgasm without erection it doesn't really feel much like a penis through panties.

I hope this helps answer some of your questions.
Julia

[Liv_J]

Thanks a lot for the replies :-)  I looked for my post and at first didn't see it, and thought it had been deleted or something. Anyway... Sorry if it was a strange topic to go straight into without introducing myself properly or anything.

Thanks for the reassuring comments RW, for the welcome, ElizabethK and also the warnings about confidentiality etc. It's worth remembering, but I don't think I said anything wildly embarrassing. So I guess it's OK. Thanks for the interesting info, Julia1996 :-) That's helpful and quite reassuring.

[RobynD]

I think Julia gave a great summary and indeed everyone is different. Some of it could also depend on your partners like and dislikes. Prior to GCS surgery, i still consider everything down there to be a feminine part of me. I suppose that is how my brain best deals with it.

You may find things change a lot in what desire and how you express yourself intimately.

[Jessica]

When my boyfriend and I have anal sex I always imagine I have a vagina had been very satisfied. Since starting hrt I don't get hard and rub my glans like it is my clitoris.  My orgasms have been more intense, prolonged and more of a whole body experience.
Good luck, Jessica

[Liv_J]

Great, that's nice, thank you Glad things are going well for you. It would be great to finally actually have the sex life I've only fantasised about for years and not done anything about in real life because I didn't feel like I had the right body or social role for it :-/

[Julia1996]

One other thing you need to be aware of. Never fool around with a guy who doesn't know you're trans. Guys are very unpredictable when they feel like their manhood has been challenged or wounded. They could become violent. Unfortunately trans girls have been killed for this reason. So be safe.  And when you tell a guy don't wait until you two are alone. Do it in a public place. Be safe.
Julia

[Liv_J]

Thanks for your advice. You're right, I wouldn't want to take that risk

[R W]

I have two regrets that quickly come to mind-1 that I did not know it was even possible until I was 30+ years old & 2 if only I had done it sooner! Only you can say what's right for you and even then it might take a therapists help to actually get there safely. My responses have changed over the last year or so from typical male behaviors to a feminine rhythm and focus that I have to find now before anything will happen for us.